it's all a facade

Nov 23, 2008 23:26

With Thanksgiving closely approaching I realize (just like any American should) what I am grateful for, and what needs improvement.  I am torn between two different worlds and can't figure out which path to take at this point.  I am lost in this horrible midst of loneliness but yet am kind of content at the same time.  I guess I really am a woman...can never make up my mind.  I am finally getting my life back on track again.  I am registered for school in the spring, paying off the remaining parts of my debt, trying to be healthier, and I even starting writing again.  I am slowly becoming passionate about the things that use to mean the world to me.  For so long I just kind of pushed everything aside and thought that me doing so would help with my relationship (which failed)  and my overall existence. I put all my flawed efforts into one thing over the past 3 years and it still blows my mind that there was nothing more that I could have done.  I am coming to terms with my biggest fear...failure.

I forgot how much happier I could have been over the years and don't necessarily regret my decisions but wish I would have opened my eyes just a little bit sooner.  I need to help myself before I can truly help another.  And that is where we failed.  we both needed self-help and were too busy with other things to see it.  Or could it have been that we both were in denial and ignored it.

I am in no way shape or form ready for the Holidays.  This year will be especially rough and I am trying to mentally, and emotionally prepare myself for it.  It is not so much about spending it alone as it is that after the last visit that I had with my grandparents and my sperm donor of a father, I am not ready to face them.  Some hurtful words were thrown and it just made everything more and more awkward.  I know I said after the last time that I never wanted to see him again, but as of lately i feel like I am not completely through with it or him.  There are so many more questions that need to be answered and only he has the right information for me.  I do not want to lead him to believe that I might want a relationship with him, but I simply would appreciate some common courtesy in the matter.

Until next time kids...
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