Nov 23, 2008 23:26
With Thanksgiving closely approaching I realize (just like any American should) what I am grateful for, and what needs improvement. I am torn between two different worlds and can't figure out which path to take at this point. I am lost in this horrible midst of loneliness but yet am kind of content at the same time. I guess I really am a woman...can never make up my mind. I am finally getting my life back on track again. I am registered for school in the spring, paying off the remaining parts of my debt, trying to be healthier, and I even starting writing again. I am slowly becoming passionate about the things that use to mean the world to me. For so long I just kind of pushed everything aside and thought that me doing so would help with my relationship (which failed) and my overall existence. I put all my flawed efforts into one thing over the past 3 years and it still blows my mind that there was nothing more that I could have done. I am coming to terms with my biggest fear...failure.
I forgot how much happier I could have been over the years and don't necessarily regret my decisions but wish I would have opened my eyes just a little bit sooner. I need to help myself before I can truly help another. And that is where we failed. we both needed self-help and were too busy with other things to see it. Or could it have been that we both were in denial and ignored it.
I am in no way shape or form ready for the Holidays. This year will be especially rough and I am trying to mentally, and emotionally prepare myself for it. It is not so much about spending it alone as it is that after the last visit that I had with my grandparents and my sperm donor of a father, I am not ready to face them. Some hurtful words were thrown and it just made everything more and more awkward. I know I said after the last time that I never wanted to see him again, but as of lately i feel like I am not completely through with it or him. There are so many more questions that need to be answered and only he has the right information for me. I do not want to lead him to believe that I might want a relationship with him, but I simply would appreciate some common courtesy in the matter.
Until next time kids...