(no subject)
I'm not depressed all the time, it only lasts a few minutes, sometimes a few hours when it gets bad it lasts days..It's like the contractions where when i had them I was in so much pain and everythign for the ten or fifteen seconds they lasted then all of a sudden i was better. Like nothing happened..
When I do get depressed I feel like a completely different person, it's like i'm watching a dream i say stuff id ont' understand and i start thinking differently. I don't always remember what i said cuz it's not really me who says it..
it's feels a lot like a bad trip, i get paranoid like everyone is out to get me, they have some huge plan worked outto get rid of me. No one wants me around but they won't admit it to me. They tell me they love me or whatever just because they feel sorry for me, not because they mean it.
If eel like I don't deserve to be happy, i don't deserve all the things i have and i'm being selfish for keeping it all. I should be alone so that no one has to deal with my problems.
The whole tiem I'm thinking and feeling these things part of me knows i'm wrong, i know that no one is out to get me and I know I deserve to be happy. I hear the things i say and i know that's not how I feel, So i end up constandly fighting with myself, I end up confused and being to think that maybe that is what i really think, that when i feel like everyone is out to get me, and think that i dont' deserve to be happy maybe i'm right.
I stat feeling like maybe when I'm depressed that's who I actually am, that's how I realy feel, and I start thinking about how horrible it would be to live like that, how I know I can't handle feeling like everyone is out to get me, liek I don't deserve to be happy. And that's when I start thinking it would be better for me and everyone else if I just stopped thinking, stopped feeling just stoped living.
I wrote this to try to explain to guy why i keep telling him i hate him and stupid stuff like that..i was hoping that I could handle it on my own, but I think i'm going to have to get some professional help..which sux.
When I do get depressed I feel like a completely different person, it's like i'm watching a dream i say stuff id ont' understand and i start thinking differently. I don't always remember what i said cuz it's not really me who says it..
it's feels a lot like a bad trip, i get paranoid like everyone is out to get me, they have some huge plan worked outto get rid of me. No one wants me around but they won't admit it to me. They tell me they love me or whatever just because they feel sorry for me, not because they mean it.
If eel like I don't deserve to be happy, i don't deserve all the things i have and i'm being selfish for keeping it all. I should be alone so that no one has to deal with my problems.
The whole tiem I'm thinking and feeling these things part of me knows i'm wrong, i know that no one is out to get me and I know I deserve to be happy. I hear the things i say and i know that's not how I feel, So i end up constandly fighting with myself, I end up confused and being to think that maybe that is what i really think, that when i feel like everyone is out to get me, and think that i dont' deserve to be happy maybe i'm right.
I stat feeling like maybe when I'm depressed that's who I actually am, that's how I realy feel, and I start thinking about how horrible it would be to live like that, how I know I can't handle feeling like everyone is out to get me, liek I don't deserve to be happy. And that's when I start thinking it would be better for me and everyone else if I just stopped thinking, stopped feeling just stoped living.
I wrote this to try to explain to guy why i keep telling him i hate him and stupid stuff like that..i was hoping that I could handle it on my own, but I think i'm going to have to get some professional help..which sux.