current affairs
I suppose I should actually write something here, since it has been about a year since I did so. I'm just always afraid that what I write will come off as nothing but complaining and bitching about my shitty life. I guess the first thing I could do is write up the things that have been going on in my life lately. I'll try not to be too cynical.
THE BAD
- I'm still living in my grandmother's garage with my roomates (4 cats). Its starting to get cold at night in Los Osos, and every night the temperature in here drops to the lower to mid 50s. The garage isn't insulated and I just have a small space heater that warms about 6 inches in front of it. I suppose I will need to stock up on thermal underwear and sweats for the winter.
- Speaking of living with Grandma, she's driving me fucking insane, even more so than I already am. She treats me like a child. She is constantly pissed off at me for the stupidest little things. She's resentful of me staying here. She thinks that I'm under the impression that I'm on some kind of vacation from work or responsibility. She apparently either doesn't believe in mental illnesses, or she's just horribly misinformed or ignorant about what goes on with someone who is bi-polar. I have tried to tell her what is going on and she just tells me I need to snap out of it. Go get a job. It will be fine. I'd like to tell her that all the time she thinks I spend out here in the garage playing video games, I'm not. Probably 80% of the time I'm in bed, crying, or thinking of horrible ways to hurt myself.
- And on that note, I've fallen back into the habit of being a "cutter". Yes, I know, everyone thinks of that as a problem for teenage girls or depressed little emo kids. If you read the Wiki article, it will bring to light a few misconceptions people have about us. I do not do it for attention. In fact, I try desperately to hide my cuts, bruises and gouges. Yes, it does make me feel better. No, I'm not trying to kill myself, though at times, I do want to. Its not something I usually share with people, but this blog is about saying what I really feel and being honest. As stated in the Wiki, cutters often have eating disorders. Unfortunately, I have been having a bit of a problem with that, as well. Last night, Amber and I watched The Secretary, which I had never seen before. It kind of hit home with the girl who was so much like me and her being so submissive. I loved it.
- Although my mental state has improved in the past six months, I feel like I'm not all that much better. I am on government funded healthcare, which means I go to the County Behavioral Center for treatment. Due to budget cuts, they are very understaffed and overworked. I don't feel that I am getting the help I need. The only therapy I have right now is in a group. Don't get me wrong, I like going to group. Its a special group for highly functioning, intelligent and creative people. There are a couple women in the group that I have come to like, but a few that I don't and don't know why the hell they are there. That's besides the point. It is good therapy, but there is a lot that I can't talk about in a group situation. I have a hard enough time talking about what's going on with me to people I know and trust. Also, one of the medications I'm on is supposed to be gradually increased in dosage. This is to prevent a rare side effect of a possibly fatal skin rash. Weird, I know, but true. Since the center has been so understaffed, they only have one doctor. I love him to death, but its been over two months since I've seen him. My dosage has not been increased in either of my meds, and I think that I really need it. Luckily, I have an appointment later today. I'm vvery nervous about it, because I think I've decided to tell him about my self harm issues.
- I have been on state disability for a few months. It isn't much, but it is better than nothing. It ran out last week though and now I have no income whatsoever. I'm applying for federal disability, but the process can take months to get through, and sometimes you will be denied repeatedly before they approve it, if they approve it at all. I'm very nervous about that as well, because I want to get everything right and be prepared. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to motivate myself to do much of anything lately and all the forms have been sitting on my desk untouched. I feel like I could really use an assistant.
- My car payment is overdue a month. John called me and told me that I had to pay the overdue amount within two weeks and that I had to make the full payment for this month on the 28th. There is no way in hell I will be able to do it. I have about $180 saved up. So, since I can't come up with it, he is going to have the car reposessed. I'm really sad about that. I hate not having a way to get out of the house when I want to. I suppose its back to the bus for me.
THE GOOD
- I got rid of Troy and have just about completely gotten rid of John. They are no longer in my life, nor do I wish them to be. I'm so sick of them wanting to get back together with me one minute, then despising me the next. Both of them have hurt me really badly and destroyed what little self-esteem and ego. I'm through with them. I made them hate me so much that they don't want anything to do with me and I'm perfectly happy with that.
- I have been hanging out with old friends, Amber and Bryce. Its good to be around them again. I always have fun with them. Amber is very supportive and Bryce can always make me laugh.
- I've created an account on a social website that is centered around women trying to get breast implants. The women there write blogs and post pictures and whatnot and the guys, or benefactors, give them donations, host contests for donations, and send messages to the girls which give the girls a dollar every time they are messaged. There is obviously a sexual undertone to the whole thing, but there are men on there who are honestly just interested in helping women out and being friends. It isn't a porn site, although many of the members use it as such. I pretty much ignore the women on there, because most of them are annoying as hell, type in all caps, put stupid shit in their blogs and basically just whore themselves out. I've been on the site actively for 2 days and have already made over $30. I'm sure that doesn't sound like much, but when you figure the average silicone breast implant procedure costs about $5000, if I kept up this pace, I could have enough saved up in a little over a year. Some men give donations of $5 or $10, and some give donations up to thousands of dollars. The people I've met on there so far have all been really nice and really cool. Basically I've made $30 towards my goal simply by talking to a couple of guys about video games. Too bad they don't have a site like that that pays for car payments.
- The best of the good is most definitely my new boyfriend(?). He's incredibly intelligent, witty, caring and understanding. When I first started seeing him, I opened up to him and told him a lot of things I normally wouldn't tell someone I hardly knew. I felt I had to, like I had to come with some kind of disclaimer. He works a lot, so I don't really get to see him too often, usually just on the weekends, with an occasional Wednesday visit. I love the time we spend together and it makes me feel so much better, relaxed. We have fun playing games, playing with his awesome cat and just sitting around snuggling and watching Metalocalypse and John Stewart and nerdy documentaries. Speaking of snuggling, we snuggle and make out a lot. I love it. I haven't made out and kissed someone so many times in a very long time. It makes me feel like a giddy, twitterpated schoolgirl. The sex is absolutely amazing and feels like its so much more than sex. Its more like making love. Yes, there is a difference. I get worried that I'm falling for him too hard, or that I'm being too clingy or that he doesn't feel the same way about me that I feel about him. This most likely is true, because I've fallen for him really hard. I just think that he is so awesome and has his shit together, that I don't deserve him, and that he deserves so much better than me. But, despite all my misgivings, I'm so very happy and excited about his aspect of my life.
So, yeah. That's my life right now. The bad still outweighs the good, but at least now I have a good list. So, that's my post for today. I'm going to try to post at least once a day. Even if it is inane chatter or simply sharing things I've found on the net.