I sometimes wonder....
Ya know, i dont get why i take the classes i do. I mean im not even good at it and i think i am. I mean, today i may acted like i was having a good day but chemistry just made me realize how stupid i am. How i cant compare myself to everyone else, how i cant compare how smart i am to the avarage person. You know what sad, i wish i could restart my high school life and be a freshmen again. So i could start all over, fresh and new...or maybe just restart my entire life and try to be a better person then what i am, try to be a better studier, a better student. So i could get those A's and B's. Have good study habbits and be able to pass my tests with out me be so hard on myself. Be a good speller, have good gammer, be able to make sense of what im writing. Not worry about having to go over my writing because i know that i didnt miss anything big or important. Dont have to use the spell check every 5 minutes in word because i spelled 5 to 7 words wrong.
Its like the world make sense of me but i dont make sense to the world. Its like i am stuck in my own world. Its like i have a big mental problem and i cant get over it. Its like im stupid like a dog and cant sit because i dont know what they are asking. Its like everyone has some perfect thing and i dont, im just a big mistake that "god" made. It seems that every time i do something right in my eyes, someone turns around and say "oh that part it wrong", "Dont forget your " U " in that part of the word".
Or maybe its me feeling comletly sorry for myself and everyone sees it and doesnt do anything. I dont want the sympathy, I dont want the i feel sorry for you. I just wish that someone could asnwer the questions, the problems that i have. Answer the questions that i have.
I know that people will help me if i ask for it. But its the fact that i might be taking up to much of their time. Or that i might be annoying them with the many questions i have. Or just sound compeletly stupid to them.
I wish i didnt take Chemistry, i wish i didnt take any writing classes. I wish i didnt have to take any hard classes. I just need lay back classes for the overrided brain that i have that can only seem to coompherend 7th grade work. Im not even 12th grade, Im not even high school level in reading or writing. I suck at life, i seem to make thing so much harder then they are. I always seems to be baggering me and cant get over the fact that i have problems and cant seem to come except them. I have to try 10x harder then everyone else in this school. Its like everyone else is ahead of the game and im coming in last place. Seems that every thing i try to each for it just to far ahead. I stick the carrot to far out there for me to reach.
But then again, what am i complaning for. I have it better then most people around the world. I have things that most people dont, or better off. Im to selfish, caught up in my own net of life and not caring. Be hard on others when i should be hard on myself. Self center, concided, blame everyone else but i should be blaming me. sigh.
But who knows, really, who know what goes on. Who knows if ill get into the collage that i want, get the degree i want, be come what i want, who knows. I might just be a poor person living off the government and having everyone else pay for what i need with someone that has 10 kids and cant keep them all happy, living in a 2 bedroom house with a husband that left me because of the problems. Because he's happier with a richier wife that has 2 kids of her own. Maybe ill die not knowing what i could have become if i just dont stuff differently with my life. Knowing that hell was the only place for the bad people.
What am i talking about. sigh. I dont know. Maybe its just me and im breaking down because i dont seem smart enough for the classes im in. Maybe i should just go back to 1st grade and be a 17 year old 1st that couldnt even get the grammer part of the test.
Later day Kiddlin's
~~~maddy~~<3
Its like the world make sense of me but i dont make sense to the world. Its like i am stuck in my own world. Its like i have a big mental problem and i cant get over it. Its like im stupid like a dog and cant sit because i dont know what they are asking. Its like everyone has some perfect thing and i dont, im just a big mistake that "god" made. It seems that every time i do something right in my eyes, someone turns around and say "oh that part it wrong", "Dont forget your " U " in that part of the word".
Or maybe its me feeling comletly sorry for myself and everyone sees it and doesnt do anything. I dont want the sympathy, I dont want the i feel sorry for you. I just wish that someone could asnwer the questions, the problems that i have. Answer the questions that i have.
I know that people will help me if i ask for it. But its the fact that i might be taking up to much of their time. Or that i might be annoying them with the many questions i have. Or just sound compeletly stupid to them.
I wish i didnt take Chemistry, i wish i didnt take any writing classes. I wish i didnt have to take any hard classes. I just need lay back classes for the overrided brain that i have that can only seem to coompherend 7th grade work. Im not even 12th grade, Im not even high school level in reading or writing. I suck at life, i seem to make thing so much harder then they are. I always seems to be baggering me and cant get over the fact that i have problems and cant seem to come except them. I have to try 10x harder then everyone else in this school. Its like everyone else is ahead of the game and im coming in last place. Seems that every thing i try to each for it just to far ahead. I stick the carrot to far out there for me to reach.
But then again, what am i complaning for. I have it better then most people around the world. I have things that most people dont, or better off. Im to selfish, caught up in my own net of life and not caring. Be hard on others when i should be hard on myself. Self center, concided, blame everyone else but i should be blaming me. sigh.
But who knows, really, who know what goes on. Who knows if ill get into the collage that i want, get the degree i want, be come what i want, who knows. I might just be a poor person living off the government and having everyone else pay for what i need with someone that has 10 kids and cant keep them all happy, living in a 2 bedroom house with a husband that left me because of the problems. Because he's happier with a richier wife that has 2 kids of her own. Maybe ill die not knowing what i could have become if i just dont stuff differently with my life. Knowing that hell was the only place for the bad people.
What am i talking about. sigh. I dont know. Maybe its just me and im breaking down because i dont seem smart enough for the classes im in. Maybe i should just go back to 1st grade and be a 17 year old 1st that couldnt even get the grammer part of the test.
Later day Kiddlin's
~~~maddy~~<3