Life...
Yeah. It sux!
I will almost guarentee it is gonna suck unless Patrick comes down to celebrate it or any of my friends even acknowledge my birthday, even to call or e-mail me a happy birthday card. Or even comment myspace to say Happy Birthday! Now its 50/50 whether he's gonna come down or not. Dad suggested that we help pitch in to pay for his train ticket so he can come down Saturday night. We may be able to do that. Or post-pone it until another time. But b/c of his work schedule, there may never be "another" time. I might as well go back to the "single" life and be miserable, or become a desperate whore! But I wanted him to possibly go to Thanksgiving dinner or maybe spend thanksgiving together or spend holidays together or come with me for spring break! But this may never happen unless something in our lives can change!
Yeah this morning at lab, I couldn't concentrate on my quiz and bombed it! And I couldnt pay attention either @lecture. My dad could tell I was upset but I didn't really wanna talk about it coz its all the same shit really. But Patrick told me his uncle will try to buy him a car, but we dunno if he will get it in time. He told me everything will be alright, even my parents tell me, but it's all lies! Nothing will EVER be okay! I have a feeling my birthday isn't even gonna be a birthday and no one is gonna acknowledge it.
Sometimes I would rather not feel at all than feel dead inside.
It seems that everyone is depressed lately. Me, Patrick, a few friends, and I also see the "WAY TOO HAPPY" people being...happy!
I have been less hungry lately. I don't get why...
I am REALLY trying to start over, but my past just keeps following me. I feel haunted every minute of day. I feel there is a ghost over my shoulder, a guilty conscience. My stomach is tied in knots. I feel physically achy. My heart is telling me something is wrong inside.
I even cried in class today. I try to put on a happy face no matter what, but my heart doesn't feel happy. College feels like jail. Reality bites! Ugh. Something is telling me I'm not ready to grow-up just yet. I can't pass a stupid road test, and now everytime I get behind the wheel I fear making a mistake, I can't seem to pass test no matter how hard I study, I have a terrible time organizing things, and when I try to tell myself to calm down and focus I just feel like screaming. I have officially lost hope and faith in myself, this time for good!
I feel I should just take my life. Nobody really wants me here anyway. Life is cruel, I guess I just didn't wanna face it! I'm just not up to the world's standards' of "growing up".
I will almost guarentee it is gonna suck unless Patrick comes down to celebrate it or any of my friends even acknowledge my birthday, even to call or e-mail me a happy birthday card. Or even comment myspace to say Happy Birthday! Now its 50/50 whether he's gonna come down or not. Dad suggested that we help pitch in to pay for his train ticket so he can come down Saturday night. We may be able to do that. Or post-pone it until another time. But b/c of his work schedule, there may never be "another" time. I might as well go back to the "single" life and be miserable, or become a desperate whore! But I wanted him to possibly go to Thanksgiving dinner or maybe spend thanksgiving together or spend holidays together or come with me for spring break! But this may never happen unless something in our lives can change!
Yeah this morning at lab, I couldn't concentrate on my quiz and bombed it! And I couldnt pay attention either @lecture. My dad could tell I was upset but I didn't really wanna talk about it coz its all the same shit really. But Patrick told me his uncle will try to buy him a car, but we dunno if he will get it in time. He told me everything will be alright, even my parents tell me, but it's all lies! Nothing will EVER be okay! I have a feeling my birthday isn't even gonna be a birthday and no one is gonna acknowledge it.
Sometimes I would rather not feel at all than feel dead inside.
It seems that everyone is depressed lately. Me, Patrick, a few friends, and I also see the "WAY TOO HAPPY" people being...happy!
I have been less hungry lately. I don't get why...
I am REALLY trying to start over, but my past just keeps following me. I feel haunted every minute of day. I feel there is a ghost over my shoulder, a guilty conscience. My stomach is tied in knots. I feel physically achy. My heart is telling me something is wrong inside.
I even cried in class today. I try to put on a happy face no matter what, but my heart doesn't feel happy. College feels like jail. Reality bites! Ugh. Something is telling me I'm not ready to grow-up just yet. I can't pass a stupid road test, and now everytime I get behind the wheel I fear making a mistake, I can't seem to pass test no matter how hard I study, I have a terrible time organizing things, and when I try to tell myself to calm down and focus I just feel like screaming. I have officially lost hope and faith in myself, this time for good!
I feel I should just take my life. Nobody really wants me here anyway. Life is cruel, I guess I just didn't wanna face it! I'm just not up to the world's standards' of "growing up".