Insignificance
Today was a really tiring day. Early afternoon I got my self esteem shattered by shit that I don't wish to talk about here and all day I was looking forwards to heading out to the movies to see Fahrenheit 9/11 with a bunch of friends but plans got changed and I was the last one to find out. Plans were changed to tomorrow night and I always work Sat evenings except when I request it off 3 weeks in advance. So that was a misunderstanding and a bummer for me on top of a bleak afternoon. It wasn't anyones fault it just sucks that it didn't work out for me to be able to be part of the plans.
I really wanted to go out tonight and I wasn't invited to anyones alternate plans so I was just going to bum around the house. Which isn't usually so bad, I have plenty to do here but I just wasn't in the mood. I've been feeling very ill today and a movie would have been nice relaxation for me.
I was just lonely and bummed out when my parents got home from work. And they were nice enough to offer to take me out to dinner and we made plans to see Fahrenheit 9/11 this coming Monday. It was really sweet of them to take me out and it was appreicated. I can count on my parents for that. Certainly not the same as hanging out with Kerri, Andrew, Dan, Sarah and Pete but it got me out of the house and there was good food and light conversation which was pleasent enough.
It's important for me to do something every fri night. Just because I work 17 or so hours over the weekend and fri is one of my two nights off each week. Something I miss about being in a relationship are the few nights of the week that are assumed straight off that we would go out and be together. Even if it was mainly me tagging along to see some of his friends it was still known that I would be getting out of the house and be in his company. It was a nice pattern though.
I'm hoping the rest of my night goes smoothly enough. I have to try to keep busy even though I don't feel well because I start feeling bleak and restless when I am idle.
I am stressed in response to my doctors visit yesterday. There is the worry in my mind that something is seriously wrong but what I fear even more is that it is depression. And depression doesn't leave me many options. It's awful for me to consider living like this forever. But I've got it dead set in my mind that I am not going back on medications. On the other hand though, I get days like this where I recongize that I am unstable and I keep myself under control it's not like I wish to do anything to harm myself but I get super sensitive. Like I drop something and start to cry even though nothing feels sad. That never used to happen on my anti depressants but on the other hand I would get sad about something and wish to cry as a release and I just wasn't able to. Paxil made me feel dead inside and I actually do not trust that drug and wouldn't reccomend it to anyone but besides that I had tried similiar drugs and they made me very sick. So no more drugs unless I was honestly going to harm myself or others.
I'm going to try and do some writing tonight. I have a few zine project ideas that I haven't touched and if I can funnel my emotions into that everything will be good tonight.
Hope everyone else enjoyed their friday night.
I really wanted to go out tonight and I wasn't invited to anyones alternate plans so I was just going to bum around the house. Which isn't usually so bad, I have plenty to do here but I just wasn't in the mood. I've been feeling very ill today and a movie would have been nice relaxation for me.
I was just lonely and bummed out when my parents got home from work. And they were nice enough to offer to take me out to dinner and we made plans to see Fahrenheit 9/11 this coming Monday. It was really sweet of them to take me out and it was appreicated. I can count on my parents for that. Certainly not the same as hanging out with Kerri, Andrew, Dan, Sarah and Pete but it got me out of the house and there was good food and light conversation which was pleasent enough.
It's important for me to do something every fri night. Just because I work 17 or so hours over the weekend and fri is one of my two nights off each week. Something I miss about being in a relationship are the few nights of the week that are assumed straight off that we would go out and be together. Even if it was mainly me tagging along to see some of his friends it was still known that I would be getting out of the house and be in his company. It was a nice pattern though.
I'm hoping the rest of my night goes smoothly enough. I have to try to keep busy even though I don't feel well because I start feeling bleak and restless when I am idle.
I am stressed in response to my doctors visit yesterday. There is the worry in my mind that something is seriously wrong but what I fear even more is that it is depression. And depression doesn't leave me many options. It's awful for me to consider living like this forever. But I've got it dead set in my mind that I am not going back on medications. On the other hand though, I get days like this where I recongize that I am unstable and I keep myself under control it's not like I wish to do anything to harm myself but I get super sensitive. Like I drop something and start to cry even though nothing feels sad. That never used to happen on my anti depressants but on the other hand I would get sad about something and wish to cry as a release and I just wasn't able to. Paxil made me feel dead inside and I actually do not trust that drug and wouldn't reccomend it to anyone but besides that I had tried similiar drugs and they made me very sick. So no more drugs unless I was honestly going to harm myself or others.
I'm going to try and do some writing tonight. I have a few zine project ideas that I haven't touched and if I can funnel my emotions into that everything will be good tonight.
Hope everyone else enjoyed their friday night.