(no subject)
I am the most selfish person because I want everything to its fullest. This is in terms of relationships. I am the most egotistical person because I believe I deserve everything to the fullest. I believe I will get everything to the fullest and I don't know what that makes me. It might make me really succesful or really manipulative.
I cannot tell you how sick I am today. And I had to drag my sorry ass into school today so I could fail a math test with a low grade instead of a 0.
I'm so distracted from school right now. Men/boys are my distraction.
4 1/2 hours of distraction last night. I learned a lot last night from my sweetest addiction. Now I just have to try and apply it. Everyone keeps telling me to be careful but he motivates me so I don't see what harm can be caused. I am already well aware that I will lose him. It's certainly not meant to be but I will not let him leave till I get everything that I want. We mirror each other which is why we seek each other out. The manipulation that is present is based purely out of self interest and that's ok because what would a relationship be if there was were no self interest present?
I am going to get philosophical now because I want to articulate these thoughts. This philosophy is still in the making and is rough and might not make sense.
The only thing there is to do in this life is to grow. Reality as we know it is here for us to expand upon and later mold to our liking as we evolve. It's a hard set up to grow in. If it was easy there'd be no true growth. We are surrounded by a lot of tools to help us grow. Relationships are probably the most essential tool we have available. Ultimately, everyone is on a different path and we follow that path alone. Ultimately everyone dies alone no matter how many relationships they have formed or how deep they went. I think people keep dying and getting reborn again until they have grown to the point where they are the source. I don't know what the source is. I like to think it is different for every individual and might actually be composed from their own version of reality.
We are very limited in our senses here. We are meant to feel lonely because we are seperated from the source and because we have time before us that needs to be filled. Humans seek company out. We do all that we can to distract ourselves from the fact that when we die, we cannot take a companion with us.
Everything comes down to the individual. And that's why relationships are so difficult because we assume that we have to go aganist our selfish nature and nothing can last forever.
A truly advanced relationship uses the growth that can be done with at least two people, to heighten each individuals growth. Relationships should never be codependent and should always be about seperate individuals growing together because sharing growth heightens the individual. Not because growth is dependent on another person but because growth is heightened in a different sense and more lovely to witness when it is shared.
All I want to do is grow till I have reached the limits of this life. Although it is possible that this life is limitless and so growth never stops only evolves in a different manner.
I could go off in a cave and shut the whole world out and reach the growth that I want. (This would be a slow and very painful process. I would have to empty myself compeletely and then refill myself.) Or I could use the tools around me, such as the beautiful and tender abilities that humans have to connect with each other, to help me move forwards.
That's all. I am too tired to think now.
I cannot tell you how sick I am today. And I had to drag my sorry ass into school today so I could fail a math test with a low grade instead of a 0.
I'm so distracted from school right now. Men/boys are my distraction.
4 1/2 hours of distraction last night. I learned a lot last night from my sweetest addiction. Now I just have to try and apply it. Everyone keeps telling me to be careful but he motivates me so I don't see what harm can be caused. I am already well aware that I will lose him. It's certainly not meant to be but I will not let him leave till I get everything that I want. We mirror each other which is why we seek each other out. The manipulation that is present is based purely out of self interest and that's ok because what would a relationship be if there was were no self interest present?
I am going to get philosophical now because I want to articulate these thoughts. This philosophy is still in the making and is rough and might not make sense.
The only thing there is to do in this life is to grow. Reality as we know it is here for us to expand upon and later mold to our liking as we evolve. It's a hard set up to grow in. If it was easy there'd be no true growth. We are surrounded by a lot of tools to help us grow. Relationships are probably the most essential tool we have available. Ultimately, everyone is on a different path and we follow that path alone. Ultimately everyone dies alone no matter how many relationships they have formed or how deep they went. I think people keep dying and getting reborn again until they have grown to the point where they are the source. I don't know what the source is. I like to think it is different for every individual and might actually be composed from their own version of reality.
We are very limited in our senses here. We are meant to feel lonely because we are seperated from the source and because we have time before us that needs to be filled. Humans seek company out. We do all that we can to distract ourselves from the fact that when we die, we cannot take a companion with us.
Everything comes down to the individual. And that's why relationships are so difficult because we assume that we have to go aganist our selfish nature and nothing can last forever.
A truly advanced relationship uses the growth that can be done with at least two people, to heighten each individuals growth. Relationships should never be codependent and should always be about seperate individuals growing together because sharing growth heightens the individual. Not because growth is dependent on another person but because growth is heightened in a different sense and more lovely to witness when it is shared.
All I want to do is grow till I have reached the limits of this life. Although it is possible that this life is limitless and so growth never stops only evolves in a different manner.
I could go off in a cave and shut the whole world out and reach the growth that I want. (This would be a slow and very painful process. I would have to empty myself compeletely and then refill myself.) Or I could use the tools around me, such as the beautiful and tender abilities that humans have to connect with each other, to help me move forwards.
That's all. I am too tired to think now.