this is v hard to write....
I will capture what i can, but it isnt pleasant, nor will have all details in it... it is painful and very hard for me to write, but i think i owe an update...
all i can remember is that kev left the friday before xmas day.
we have had limited contact.
i was/am a mess... i put a brave face on xmas day seen the family etc.
i had stopped all feeds/food on 19th december...18th december was my last full feed, i did 500mls out of 1500mls on the tue 18th.
i was staying with my mam for a few days, where i lay on sofa and barely said two words.
it was my sisters 16th birthday on the 19th, i made an effort, ate 200cals, did a little bit of feed but lay on sofa and crashed.
i just stopped eating full stop.and pulled tube out.
everything is a blur,
i eventually made an effort, yet i cant remember what i did, think i had a coffee and went around my mams in my pjs on NYE. my 2 sisters where there, mum and little niece.
They had cocktails, i had about 2 mouthfuls and i got a phone call.
My consultant was outside my house, kev had rang him.
i went along, told mam i would be 5 minutes and would be back.
there was no cars outside my door, just him (i looked before he had a chance to see me- my mum just lives end of the street)
he said he was just coming to see how i was as he recieved a worrying phone call from kev! kev must of looked up number on internet as he didnt know numbers etc for my community consultant.
i let him in and he said 'it was nice to hear you were at you mams'
me - ''ye well my xmas was fucking shit and i was trying to have a good NYE until you you twat had to turn up at my door'
he explained kev was v worried, he was aware i pulled tube out etc and he sent them around to section me (with him being my next of kin they had to react)
by this point i was just trying to be calm then 2 social workers came in a taxi and let themselves in to my house.
in the mean time my mam was wondering what was going on as i wasnt back at hers.
she told me she ran down the street and could hear me screaming and shouting at them to get the fuck out of my house.
a doctor was outside my door when mam came, and i then could hear her screaming at the doctor and explaining to her i was going to be sectioned on the wed (this would of been monday NYE)
any way my sister was here and my mam and i just lost it, saying JUST LET ME STAY AT HOME, KEV DOESNT KNOW FUCK ALL, i must of looked like an arse but i didnt give a shit.
mam begged them to let me have NYE at home, this was about 4pm...and they couldnt as said i could die at any minute,
i was dragged in a car by two social workers and one of my sisters, i told mam to go as i didnt want her to see all this, she agreed in end and went home, phoned kev and broke down in tears, she KNEW i was living off coffee etc but things were being done, behind my back for me to be in hosp asap, just not on NYE, kev was pissed in the pub while he made his phone call to people, so that royally fucked me off.
i was taking to hospital, literally dragged in... i had took vodka in my bag when i packed.
i sat on a bed with my sister there and a nurse.
i had vodka in a juice bottle with juice and just sat and drank, my sister left after a few hours...i begged her to leave me at home and go see if mam was okay and spend NYE with everyone, her little girl included.
then all i remember i having loads of tests done on me, 2 IVs put in with 3 bags of fluid...them holding me down to get NG back in, being moved to a high dependency ward the next day. I had terrible refeeding, swelling etc and all my bloods went shit ape with me not eating/feeding then i was being pumped with calories and ng feeds.
i then seen ED team, ''YOU NEED TO GAIN WEIGHT, EAT 500CALS A DAY, HAVE 1 AND A HALF LITRES OF FEED''
FUCK!!!! ... the first day i complied, after that i hid the food as much as i could, watered down feed and just wanted the fuck out.
i spent over a week in there, gaining alot of weight through IVs etc. fluid mainly.
my family and mam were a rock, did all the talking for me etc, and finally was let home wednesday.
if i fuck up then cto goes to an automatic 6 month section, ... like i care i wont let this happen, this is my 3rd day at home, i am not eating or doing feeds...i have lost over 2kg, and i think i am having a breakdown, all i do is wake up in morning, have strong coffees, enough so i can bath, house work (ocd) then i sleep, cry, think, cry some more. sometimes it is silent tears, sometimes i just get up to go to toilet and next thing i know i am on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. i lie on sofa, i pick myself up at about 5pm, i have a few drinks and then cry myself to sleep, sometimes for hours...i dream awfully when i do sleep, i lie in the dark, numb or crying...
i dont want to see anyone, and i went off it with mam and sister yday when i got a text at 5pm saying they were at my front door... i need to be left alone i am no good to anyone like this. and i dont want them to see the state i am in.
god this has took me over an hour to write, it has been so so painful and i have cried throughout.
i need a bath and do house work then go lie down/sleep/cry some more.
this has been one of the most painful entries, and please forgive me if you dont like the truth.
all i want is to fade away and to die. i am exhausted in every way and writing this has drained me more.
i am going to have a bath now, wipe away my tears and do what i need to do before i crash again.
i love you all, so very much,
Jay xox
all i can remember is that kev left the friday before xmas day.
we have had limited contact.
i was/am a mess... i put a brave face on xmas day seen the family etc.
i had stopped all feeds/food on 19th december...18th december was my last full feed, i did 500mls out of 1500mls on the tue 18th.
i was staying with my mam for a few days, where i lay on sofa and barely said two words.
it was my sisters 16th birthday on the 19th, i made an effort, ate 200cals, did a little bit of feed but lay on sofa and crashed.
i just stopped eating full stop.and pulled tube out.
everything is a blur,
i eventually made an effort, yet i cant remember what i did, think i had a coffee and went around my mams in my pjs on NYE. my 2 sisters where there, mum and little niece.
They had cocktails, i had about 2 mouthfuls and i got a phone call.
My consultant was outside my house, kev had rang him.
i went along, told mam i would be 5 minutes and would be back.
there was no cars outside my door, just him (i looked before he had a chance to see me- my mum just lives end of the street)
he said he was just coming to see how i was as he recieved a worrying phone call from kev! kev must of looked up number on internet as he didnt know numbers etc for my community consultant.
i let him in and he said 'it was nice to hear you were at you mams'
me - ''ye well my xmas was fucking shit and i was trying to have a good NYE until you you twat had to turn up at my door'
he explained kev was v worried, he was aware i pulled tube out etc and he sent them around to section me (with him being my next of kin they had to react)
by this point i was just trying to be calm then 2 social workers came in a taxi and let themselves in to my house.
in the mean time my mam was wondering what was going on as i wasnt back at hers.
she told me she ran down the street and could hear me screaming and shouting at them to get the fuck out of my house.
a doctor was outside my door when mam came, and i then could hear her screaming at the doctor and explaining to her i was going to be sectioned on the wed (this would of been monday NYE)
any way my sister was here and my mam and i just lost it, saying JUST LET ME STAY AT HOME, KEV DOESNT KNOW FUCK ALL, i must of looked like an arse but i didnt give a shit.
mam begged them to let me have NYE at home, this was about 4pm...and they couldnt as said i could die at any minute,
i was dragged in a car by two social workers and one of my sisters, i told mam to go as i didnt want her to see all this, she agreed in end and went home, phoned kev and broke down in tears, she KNEW i was living off coffee etc but things were being done, behind my back for me to be in hosp asap, just not on NYE, kev was pissed in the pub while he made his phone call to people, so that royally fucked me off.
i was taking to hospital, literally dragged in... i had took vodka in my bag when i packed.
i sat on a bed with my sister there and a nurse.
i had vodka in a juice bottle with juice and just sat and drank, my sister left after a few hours...i begged her to leave me at home and go see if mam was okay and spend NYE with everyone, her little girl included.
then all i remember i having loads of tests done on me, 2 IVs put in with 3 bags of fluid...them holding me down to get NG back in, being moved to a high dependency ward the next day. I had terrible refeeding, swelling etc and all my bloods went shit ape with me not eating/feeding then i was being pumped with calories and ng feeds.
i then seen ED team, ''YOU NEED TO GAIN WEIGHT, EAT 500CALS A DAY, HAVE 1 AND A HALF LITRES OF FEED''
FUCK!!!! ... the first day i complied, after that i hid the food as much as i could, watered down feed and just wanted the fuck out.
i spent over a week in there, gaining alot of weight through IVs etc. fluid mainly.
my family and mam were a rock, did all the talking for me etc, and finally was let home wednesday.
if i fuck up then cto goes to an automatic 6 month section, ... like i care i wont let this happen, this is my 3rd day at home, i am not eating or doing feeds...i have lost over 2kg, and i think i am having a breakdown, all i do is wake up in morning, have strong coffees, enough so i can bath, house work (ocd) then i sleep, cry, think, cry some more. sometimes it is silent tears, sometimes i just get up to go to toilet and next thing i know i am on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. i lie on sofa, i pick myself up at about 5pm, i have a few drinks and then cry myself to sleep, sometimes for hours...i dream awfully when i do sleep, i lie in the dark, numb or crying...
i dont want to see anyone, and i went off it with mam and sister yday when i got a text at 5pm saying they were at my front door... i need to be left alone i am no good to anyone like this. and i dont want them to see the state i am in.
god this has took me over an hour to write, it has been so so painful and i have cried throughout.
i need a bath and do house work then go lie down/sleep/cry some more.
this has been one of the most painful entries, and please forgive me if you dont like the truth.
all i want is to fade away and to die. i am exhausted in every way and writing this has drained me more.
i am going to have a bath now, wipe away my tears and do what i need to do before i crash again.
i love you all, so very much,
Jay xox