life. spinning like a disco ball world.
emotions have held fast since may.
if i knew that i had felt like this almost six i may not have let it continue (no pun intended).
ive been jobless for going on a good two months now, out of school since may.
im starting pima winter classes and transferring to NAU(Northern Arizona University) in flagstaff fall 2008.
i really want to leave. tucson.
i dont really like any of my friends, save for the few i have been with recently...im miss the fuck out of aly. like she put it, we are roots. for each other. there is so little that i do these days...i drink, i hookah, i stay up late and sleep till mid afternoon, i drive my car and smoke cigarettes, i talk shit and i cry, i feign love and get mad at my mother. several times a day i will find myself laying in bed staring at the ceiling. i kind of really wish i hadnt taken a semester off school. i sew ugly costumes, i bake, i paint ugly creatures, i staple shit to my walls, i listen to NPR and squash my creativity. not two weeks ago i bought a complete darkroom setup from a kind hispanic gentleman, he looked like diego rivera and was sweating like some kind of farm animal. ive got it all going on in my bathroom. i get drunk, i text, i shower, i cry,i make myself throw up, paint my nails, i spend a lot of time online.
i need to do something about my current romantic situation or rather lack there of... i cant really tell if i would be breaking his heart or setting him free. and now that i remember this is just exactly the fucked up situation i predicted would happen when we started going out. fuck me, i just dont know what to do. i just know that i need to be the one to do anything and i always am....is that even a good enough reason? i didnt think so, but apparently ive been contemplating this since may, i guess its time to make a change. i feel like ive invested so much more in this than he has, but at the same time i feel like he would be more damaged by ending it. i guess its pretty immature to think a lion could ever feel warmth from a fish.
shit.
if i knew that i had felt like this almost six i may not have let it continue (no pun intended).
ive been jobless for going on a good two months now, out of school since may.
im starting pima winter classes and transferring to NAU(Northern Arizona University) in flagstaff fall 2008.
i really want to leave. tucson.
i dont really like any of my friends, save for the few i have been with recently...im miss the fuck out of aly. like she put it, we are roots. for each other. there is so little that i do these days...i drink, i hookah, i stay up late and sleep till mid afternoon, i drive my car and smoke cigarettes, i talk shit and i cry, i feign love and get mad at my mother. several times a day i will find myself laying in bed staring at the ceiling. i kind of really wish i hadnt taken a semester off school. i sew ugly costumes, i bake, i paint ugly creatures, i staple shit to my walls, i listen to NPR and squash my creativity. not two weeks ago i bought a complete darkroom setup from a kind hispanic gentleman, he looked like diego rivera and was sweating like some kind of farm animal. ive got it all going on in my bathroom. i get drunk, i text, i shower, i cry,i make myself throw up, paint my nails, i spend a lot of time online.
i need to do something about my current romantic situation or rather lack there of... i cant really tell if i would be breaking his heart or setting him free. and now that i remember this is just exactly the fucked up situation i predicted would happen when we started going out. fuck me, i just dont know what to do. i just know that i need to be the one to do anything and i always am....is that even a good enough reason? i didnt think so, but apparently ive been contemplating this since may, i guess its time to make a change. i feel like ive invested so much more in this than he has, but at the same time i feel like he would be more damaged by ending it. i guess its pretty immature to think a lion could ever feel warmth from a fish.
shit.