the END.
i want to tell you everything that's spinning in my head. i want you to know it all and understand and consider why i may be like this. i could never describe.. never explain.. what this feels like to me. yah, i'm sure you think you know and i'm just being pathetic and stupid. but no one would really believe or understand completely. not even you. i will never forget how incredible amazing it felt the first time i saw you. when it felt like everythng was finally falling into place. to be able to talk to you like that. i never wanted to let go. ever. and i doubt anything will ever really be able to top that. i don't think i'd ever wanted anything so terribly bad in my life. i never worked so hard for anything else. i think a contribution to my complete and utter happiness was the satisfaction i got from finally getting what i so desperately wanted and tried for. but mostly.. it was just you. of all my relationships, of all my failures, it's never hurt this bad before. because honestly, i never truly wanted it so much before. i tried so hard, i put my all into everything i did, i changed my life, i changed myself. i shouldn't have done that. i've never worked so damn hard for something in my life. but i know that no matter how hard i try to convince myself, this can't change. i don't want to try and change it anymore either. we came to an agreement, this wasn't meant to happen. i know i'm being incredibly stupid and i made a mistake. i would definately do it over again. i miss how happy i was when we didn't really know each other. i will always care..always mean so much to me. even when i'm hated. over the past few months.. it's just.. nobody can really see how i feel. nobody sees the full picture of it all, but me. and it really was the best thing that could have happened to me. i'll always be thankful for this. this all really has nothing to do with that though. it has to do with me. the fact that i actually believed something like this could work, if i tried hard enough. the fact that i have become so co-dependent. i need someone there. i need that sense of security. the fact that i just assumed this would always be there. the fact that i pretty much have to pick up and start all over again.. alone and not by my choice this time. the fact that i feel so alone and so completely lost. i know i have so much to be thankful for, i know it could be so much worse. i just feel.. numb, alone, and lost. i have no idea what i'm doing wrong and i'm really getting discouraged. this is so much for me to handle when i don't even know my place anymore.. i wish everything would just slow down and i could take my time and not make anymore mistakes. but at the same time, i just want to get it all over with and move on. i don't even know what i want anymore. i don't know where i am. i don't know what i mean. i don't know why i'm posting this.. i just really want to let people know how important this is to me and how it's really good. i wish i could be more confident. instead of like this. but this is my way of coping and i have to get it out somehow. where i know at least someone will listen. i'm sure i've said things i shouldn't have. this is all just flying from my head. i'm such a constant disappointment to everyone and myself. and i can't help it. i can't help being like this. i can't help being me. i'm sorry. i am so eternally sorry.