Bring Me To Life 3/?
Pairing: Kurt/Puck Quinn/Mercedes Artie/Tina Finn/Rachel
Rating: R just to be sure, cause I'm not sure how far this is going yet.
Genre: Angst, Drama, Romance
Spoilers: Theatricality, Funk
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of its characters
Summary: Kurt has a split personality that won't go away.
*just a note, Doloris' voice is typed like this. Kurt's thought's (that are his own) are like this
When Kurt wakes up, he wants to sleep again. His body is stiff, wrists throbbing painfully. His head is pounding and he feels nauseous. His memory is fuzzy, but he knows what happened. He said too much, went against Doloris. He'd been punished.
Kurt's memories of his mother were the most sacred to him. He'd loved her. She was the perfect person, and in his mind no one could ruin her image.
Except Doloris.
Evil, dark Doloris that wanted to punish Kurt for being disobedient. He'd tainted Kurt's image of his mom. He'd shown Kurt evil things, things that his mom would've never done. Yet it was his mom's face, his mom's body, his mom's voice. And she'd done, said horrible things to Kurt. Doloris told him that his mom died to get away from him, and that his dad would be next. And Kurt didn't want to believe it.
So he agreed to see someone.
Not that he had a choice in the matter. Burt had told him that he either would talk to someone, get some help, or he would place him in a mental hospital. It'd hurt to here that his dad had given up on him, but in all honesty, Kurt wasn't sure why he wasn't already there. Hadn't his father noticed his strange behavior? Hadn't his father noticed how he'd been acting weird every since Finn had said those horrible words?
If he was his dad, Kurt knew that he would've turned himself in. But Burt hadn't even noticed.
That's because he doesn't care. You're all alone and no one cares.
"Kurt can you tell me why you're here?" The voice is flat, void of any emotion.
Of course, his therapist. He'd forgotten about her. This was the woman that was suppose to save his soul.
You haven't a soul anymore Kurt. The sooner you accept that, the better.
"Kurt if you refuse to talk, there really isn't a need for you to be here. I could just tell your father that he should really consider having you committed."
That was a hard slap from reality, which just happened to be named Mrs. Kirksey. Doloris chuckled at Kurt's fear of being labeled insane.
But that is what you are Kurt.
"Fine, if that's the way you would rather it be, I'll give your father the number to Dr. Monroe. We'll have you in a straight jacket by tomorrow." Mrs. Kirksey went to stand.
"No!" Kurt gasped. "Don't do that."
"Then you have to talk Kurt," Mrs. Kirksey sat back down.
"I don't know what you want from me." Kurt admitted.
"How about telling me how this all started. Can you do that?"
"I'm not sure."
"You have to try Kurt, or else this is just useless."
"It started with a crush."
Kurt hadn't meant any harm when he'd redecorated his room for Finn. He'd honestly been trying to make the other boy comfortable. And while his intentions in the long run weren't the cleanest, he'd never wanted Finn to feel terrorized by the thought of being near Kurt.
But Finn hadn't seen it that way.
Instead, Finn suspected the worst from him. It had hurt. It had really hurt that Finn would suspect that Kurt would have done something so....wrong. Kurt had never suspected that sweet Finn would have even been able to form those words in his thoughts, let alone hurl them at Kurt the way he did. Did he really seem like the crazy stalker type? Did it really seem as if he were capable of raping giant football players with his super gay powers?
"Who was this crush?"
"Finn Hudson," Kurt answered without hesitation.
"Your step-brother?" Ms. Kirksey asked.
"He's not my step-brother yet." Kurt defended.
"But lets be realistic here Kurt. Finn will become a part of your family very soon. Do you think it's healthy to feel that way about someone who will be, in one way or another, your immediate family?"
"I'm not some stupid red neck! No matter what people think, I'm not going to jump Finn and have my wicked way with him. Besides, its not even as if I even feel that way about him now."
"And how do you feel about him?"
"I feel like he doesn't trust me."
"How does that make you feel?" Dr. Kirksey asked.
Kurt scoffed. "That's a pretty cliche question isn't it?"
"All the same, the question is relevant and you should answer."
"It hurts, naturally. I don't understand how just because I'm gay, people seem to think that I lack the ability to feel emotions of the same capacity of any other person. I'm homosexual, but I'm still human."
"It's perfectly okay to feel like the world is out to get you, Kurt. Homosexuality is still quiet foreign and taboo to much of our pitiful race. I understand perfectly."
"I doubt that you do. No one understands," Kurt grumbled.
"You're not the only gay person in this state, let alone this world. Being gay in Ohio is no walk in the park. And Lima is such a small town. I hated it," Ms. Kirksey stated.
"Are you saying...?" Kurt asked with wide eyes.
"Yes Kurt, I'm a lesbian. One of many, I'll assure you. I've felt your pain and then some. My lesbianism runs back to a time when it was completely unacceptable. But this isn't about me."
"It's about me and my mental problem." Kurt replied darkly.
"Its okay to admit that you need help. Its okay to need someone to help you sort through whatever may be going on in your head. I doubt that there was ever a person who didn't. Even Jesus had to talk to God."
"What do you do when you don't believe in God?" Kurt asked.
"You go to the next best thing. I'm going to give you the number to friend of mine. He's gay, of course, and will be able to help you for free. He hosts a group of homosexual teens who have problems similar to yours."
"You mean those who hear voices in their heads too."
"No. Those who have no one else to talk to about the various problems in their lives and come up with other ways to cope. " A small buzzer went off and Ms. Kirksey sighed. "That's all the time that we have for this session Kurt. I do hope that you put that number to use. Simply talking can solve so many problems. And its healthy for you to be exposed to others like you."
Kurt got up slowly, accepting the business card that Ms. Kirksey handed him. She smiled at him. It wasn't warm, Kurt was sure that she was incapable of doing anything that could be related to the word warm. But it was a smile non the less, and he felt as if it was just for him.
She doesn't care for you.
Shut up!
It's true. Your daddy had to pay her to even see you. She's just doing this because she has too.
Kurt walked out to the waiting room. His father was sitting there, hardly comfortable in the chair. Kurt hated to see him that way. He looked so tired.
It"s all your fault too. You do this to him.
Kurt shifted a bit and caught his dad's attention. His dad jumped at the sound and Kurt winced when he met his eyes. His father looked scared of what Kurt might do.
Can you blame him? You've put him through so much. It's amazing that he hasn't just had you committed yet.
"Are you...done with the doctor?" Kurt nodded, not meeting his father's gaze.
Don't you like seeing that disappointment in his eyes?
Kurt followed his dad to Burt's truck. They rode in an uncomfortable silence. It was suffocating and Kurt hated that he was putting his dad through this. He wanted to get better. He wanted to be able to make his father proud of him. Not make his father afraid that he was going to slit his wrists. He wasn't his mother.
But you're just like her.
"Dad?" Kurt called, unsure.
Burt startled in surprise. Kurt had hardly uttered a word, let alone initiated an conversation with anyone.
"Yeah, son?" Burt's voice was thick and Kurt hated to think that he had this much control over his father's happiness.
"I wanna make Ms. Kirksey my permanent doctor." Kurt answered.
That had obviously not been what Burt was expecting. They'd been to over a dozen doctors over the last few days. Kurt hadn't responded to any of them. Had ignored everything that they'd said to him.
"Okay. I'm happy that you've decided Kurt. Really I am. But I've gotta ask son. What made you choose her? She seemed a bit cold."
That was exactly why Kurt liked her. She was strict and she pushed him. And she was an lesbian and.....Kurt wasn't even all that sure anymore. But she had prompted him to at least respond to her. That was more than he'd done in a long time.
"She's just...different."
The car was silent again, save for the radio.
When I was younger I saw my daddy cry
and curse at the wind.
He broke his own heart and I watched
as he tried to reassemble it.
He hated how everyone walked on eggshells around him now. Kurt could feel that his dad had so many questions. He probably wanted to know why. Hell, Kurt wanted to know why. How had it gotten to this? How had he let it get this far. He was hurting the people that cared about him.
You just cause pain. You're nothing but a blistering imperfection. You're destined to push everyone away. You should end it. You should kill yourself and save everyone the trouble of slitting their own throats.
And my momma swore
that she would never let herself forget.
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist.
"I swear I'll get better Dad. I won't leave you like Mom did." Kurt blurted suddenly.
Maybe I know somewhere
deep in my soul
that love never lasts.
And we've got to find other ways
to make it alone.
Or keep a straight face.
And I've always lived like this
keeping a comfortable distance.
And up until now I've sworn to myself
that I'm content with loneliness.
Because none of it was ever worth the risk.
Burt looked taken aback. He blinked and cleared his throat.
"That's,. uh, that's good to know Kurt."
Kurt let his gaze settle on the scenery outside his window and let his thoughts drift. Paramore played softly in the back ground.
I've got a tight grip on reality,
but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.
I know you're leaving in the morning
when you wake up.
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream.
Kurt thought of Noah Puckerman.
Doloris was in his head, criticizing him, but he ignored him. something told him Puck was the only exception to his insanity.
Kurt smiled.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
And I'm on my way to believing.
Oh, and I'm on my way to believing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~GLEE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay I'm super sorry about how ridiculously long it has taken me to finally post another part. In my defense, I had typed this chapter (cause lets be honest, I'm making this up as I go) but I accidentally deleted it. I was so pissed and depressed that it took even longer. I'm happy with the end result though. I'm way behind, I know. But I'm trying. I'm pretty sure my iPod is about to explode from the amount of times I've put Gavin DeGraw's Not Over You on repeat. So review please.
Rating: R just to be sure, cause I'm not sure how far this is going yet.
Genre: Angst, Drama, Romance
Spoilers: Theatricality, Funk
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of its characters
Summary: Kurt has a split personality that won't go away.
*just a note, Doloris' voice is typed like this. Kurt's thought's (that are his own) are like this
When Kurt wakes up, he wants to sleep again. His body is stiff, wrists throbbing painfully. His head is pounding and he feels nauseous. His memory is fuzzy, but he knows what happened. He said too much, went against Doloris. He'd been punished.
Kurt's memories of his mother were the most sacred to him. He'd loved her. She was the perfect person, and in his mind no one could ruin her image.
Except Doloris.
Evil, dark Doloris that wanted to punish Kurt for being disobedient. He'd tainted Kurt's image of his mom. He'd shown Kurt evil things, things that his mom would've never done. Yet it was his mom's face, his mom's body, his mom's voice. And she'd done, said horrible things to Kurt. Doloris told him that his mom died to get away from him, and that his dad would be next. And Kurt didn't want to believe it.
So he agreed to see someone.
Not that he had a choice in the matter. Burt had told him that he either would talk to someone, get some help, or he would place him in a mental hospital. It'd hurt to here that his dad had given up on him, but in all honesty, Kurt wasn't sure why he wasn't already there. Hadn't his father noticed his strange behavior? Hadn't his father noticed how he'd been acting weird every since Finn had said those horrible words?
If he was his dad, Kurt knew that he would've turned himself in. But Burt hadn't even noticed.
That's because he doesn't care. You're all alone and no one cares.
"Kurt can you tell me why you're here?" The voice is flat, void of any emotion.
Of course, his therapist. He'd forgotten about her. This was the woman that was suppose to save his soul.
You haven't a soul anymore Kurt. The sooner you accept that, the better.
"Kurt if you refuse to talk, there really isn't a need for you to be here. I could just tell your father that he should really consider having you committed."
That was a hard slap from reality, which just happened to be named Mrs. Kirksey. Doloris chuckled at Kurt's fear of being labeled insane.
But that is what you are Kurt.
"Fine, if that's the way you would rather it be, I'll give your father the number to Dr. Monroe. We'll have you in a straight jacket by tomorrow." Mrs. Kirksey went to stand.
"No!" Kurt gasped. "Don't do that."
"Then you have to talk Kurt," Mrs. Kirksey sat back down.
"I don't know what you want from me." Kurt admitted.
"How about telling me how this all started. Can you do that?"
"I'm not sure."
"You have to try Kurt, or else this is just useless."
"It started with a crush."
Kurt hadn't meant any harm when he'd redecorated his room for Finn. He'd honestly been trying to make the other boy comfortable. And while his intentions in the long run weren't the cleanest, he'd never wanted Finn to feel terrorized by the thought of being near Kurt.
But Finn hadn't seen it that way.
Instead, Finn suspected the worst from him. It had hurt. It had really hurt that Finn would suspect that Kurt would have done something so....wrong. Kurt had never suspected that sweet Finn would have even been able to form those words in his thoughts, let alone hurl them at Kurt the way he did. Did he really seem like the crazy stalker type? Did it really seem as if he were capable of raping giant football players with his super gay powers?
"Who was this crush?"
"Finn Hudson," Kurt answered without hesitation.
"Your step-brother?" Ms. Kirksey asked.
"He's not my step-brother yet." Kurt defended.
"But lets be realistic here Kurt. Finn will become a part of your family very soon. Do you think it's healthy to feel that way about someone who will be, in one way or another, your immediate family?"
"I'm not some stupid red neck! No matter what people think, I'm not going to jump Finn and have my wicked way with him. Besides, its not even as if I even feel that way about him now."
"And how do you feel about him?"
"I feel like he doesn't trust me."
"How does that make you feel?" Dr. Kirksey asked.
Kurt scoffed. "That's a pretty cliche question isn't it?"
"All the same, the question is relevant and you should answer."
"It hurts, naturally. I don't understand how just because I'm gay, people seem to think that I lack the ability to feel emotions of the same capacity of any other person. I'm homosexual, but I'm still human."
"It's perfectly okay to feel like the world is out to get you, Kurt. Homosexuality is still quiet foreign and taboo to much of our pitiful race. I understand perfectly."
"I doubt that you do. No one understands," Kurt grumbled.
"You're not the only gay person in this state, let alone this world. Being gay in Ohio is no walk in the park. And Lima is such a small town. I hated it," Ms. Kirksey stated.
"Are you saying...?" Kurt asked with wide eyes.
"Yes Kurt, I'm a lesbian. One of many, I'll assure you. I've felt your pain and then some. My lesbianism runs back to a time when it was completely unacceptable. But this isn't about me."
"It's about me and my mental problem." Kurt replied darkly.
"Its okay to admit that you need help. Its okay to need someone to help you sort through whatever may be going on in your head. I doubt that there was ever a person who didn't. Even Jesus had to talk to God."
"What do you do when you don't believe in God?" Kurt asked.
"You go to the next best thing. I'm going to give you the number to friend of mine. He's gay, of course, and will be able to help you for free. He hosts a group of homosexual teens who have problems similar to yours."
"You mean those who hear voices in their heads too."
"No. Those who have no one else to talk to about the various problems in their lives and come up with other ways to cope. " A small buzzer went off and Ms. Kirksey sighed. "That's all the time that we have for this session Kurt. I do hope that you put that number to use. Simply talking can solve so many problems. And its healthy for you to be exposed to others like you."
Kurt got up slowly, accepting the business card that Ms. Kirksey handed him. She smiled at him. It wasn't warm, Kurt was sure that she was incapable of doing anything that could be related to the word warm. But it was a smile non the less, and he felt as if it was just for him.
She doesn't care for you.
Shut up!
It's true. Your daddy had to pay her to even see you. She's just doing this because she has too.
Kurt walked out to the waiting room. His father was sitting there, hardly comfortable in the chair. Kurt hated to see him that way. He looked so tired.
It"s all your fault too. You do this to him.
Kurt shifted a bit and caught his dad's attention. His dad jumped at the sound and Kurt winced when he met his eyes. His father looked scared of what Kurt might do.
Can you blame him? You've put him through so much. It's amazing that he hasn't just had you committed yet.
"Are you...done with the doctor?" Kurt nodded, not meeting his father's gaze.
Don't you like seeing that disappointment in his eyes?
Kurt followed his dad to Burt's truck. They rode in an uncomfortable silence. It was suffocating and Kurt hated that he was putting his dad through this. He wanted to get better. He wanted to be able to make his father proud of him. Not make his father afraid that he was going to slit his wrists. He wasn't his mother.
But you're just like her.
"Dad?" Kurt called, unsure.
Burt startled in surprise. Kurt had hardly uttered a word, let alone initiated an conversation with anyone.
"Yeah, son?" Burt's voice was thick and Kurt hated to think that he had this much control over his father's happiness.
"I wanna make Ms. Kirksey my permanent doctor." Kurt answered.
That had obviously not been what Burt was expecting. They'd been to over a dozen doctors over the last few days. Kurt hadn't responded to any of them. Had ignored everything that they'd said to him.
"Okay. I'm happy that you've decided Kurt. Really I am. But I've gotta ask son. What made you choose her? She seemed a bit cold."
That was exactly why Kurt liked her. She was strict and she pushed him. And she was an lesbian and.....Kurt wasn't even all that sure anymore. But she had prompted him to at least respond to her. That was more than he'd done in a long time.
"She's just...different."
The car was silent again, save for the radio.
When I was younger I saw my daddy cry
and curse at the wind.
He broke his own heart and I watched
as he tried to reassemble it.
He hated how everyone walked on eggshells around him now. Kurt could feel that his dad had so many questions. He probably wanted to know why. Hell, Kurt wanted to know why. How had it gotten to this? How had he let it get this far. He was hurting the people that cared about him.
You just cause pain. You're nothing but a blistering imperfection. You're destined to push everyone away. You should end it. You should kill yourself and save everyone the trouble of slitting their own throats.
And my momma swore
that she would never let herself forget.
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist.
"I swear I'll get better Dad. I won't leave you like Mom did." Kurt blurted suddenly.
Maybe I know somewhere
deep in my soul
that love never lasts.
And we've got to find other ways
to make it alone.
Or keep a straight face.
And I've always lived like this
keeping a comfortable distance.
And up until now I've sworn to myself
that I'm content with loneliness.
Because none of it was ever worth the risk.
Burt looked taken aback. He blinked and cleared his throat.
"That's,. uh, that's good to know Kurt."
Kurt let his gaze settle on the scenery outside his window and let his thoughts drift. Paramore played softly in the back ground.
I've got a tight grip on reality,
but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.
I know you're leaving in the morning
when you wake up.
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream.
Kurt thought of Noah Puckerman.
Doloris was in his head, criticizing him, but he ignored him. something told him Puck was the only exception to his insanity.
Kurt smiled.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
And I'm on my way to believing.
Oh, and I'm on my way to believing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~GLEE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay I'm super sorry about how ridiculously long it has taken me to finally post another part. In my defense, I had typed this chapter (cause lets be honest, I'm making this up as I go) but I accidentally deleted it. I was so pissed and depressed that it took even longer. I'm happy with the end result though. I'm way behind, I know. But I'm trying. I'm pretty sure my iPod is about to explode from the amount of times I've put Gavin DeGraw's Not Over You on repeat. So review please.