(no subject)
Yah, so my doctor is fucking amazing and just gave me my lab results back now (when he was supposed to give them to me over a month ago).
Of course, they weren’t normal.
My levels are all sorts of off.
Which I knew…because I could tell by the way I have been feeling so bitchy/depressed/everything else bad lately.
So now what do I have to do…?
Wait, wait, wait.
I’ve been crying about it, but what else is new.
So just for an FYI, if I have seemed off lately, it’s because I am.
If I haven’t hung out with you/called you back/made plans, it’s not because I don’t want to…
I just already feel like a mess, so I don’t want to be a wreck in front of people.
I already feel terrible about how I have been around Tony and Kara and my family.
I’m going to try harder to be in better control of myself, but it’s hard because this isn’t just like,
“Oh, I’m in a bad mood today, so I will take it out on you,
and I feel like being a baby so I will cry about everything.”
It’s,
“Holy hell, I have absolutely no way to fix my hormone levels, until the doctors can figure something out.”
I’m completely helpless and I hate it.
I wish there was something…anything…I could do.
I guess all that I can do is find a better doctor and hope that very soon this will all be over and I will be back to my old self again, because I fucking hate who I am now.
I’m praying that I don’t lose anyone over this.
Or that everyone starts to hate me.
Or not want to be around me anymore.
Hell, I don’t even want to be around myself.
I just want people to know, it’s not my fault that this is happening right now…and if I could make it better, I would.
But for now I have to take this day by day.
I’m sorry for putting everyone in my life through anything.
I love you and thank you for sticking by me.
I couldn’t and wouldn’t of made it this far without you.
And even if it seems like I am un happy all the time…
know that when you guys are around, I feel better.
Even if it’s just a little bit.
I love you Kara, Tony, Melissa, Sam, Kirsten, Crit, Halla, Steffi, and everyone else that hasn’t given up on me.
I just hope you never will.
Because then I would truely have nothing left in me.
Edit
I love you too Rich!!!
OddsAgainst*** (2:11:26 PM): I miss you sooooo much. I just read your other LJ entries and you need a friggin hug. you are a warrior and dont let those fucking doctors change that. we are gonna live forever.
Of course, they weren’t normal.
My levels are all sorts of off.
Which I knew…because I could tell by the way I have been feeling so bitchy/depressed/everything else bad lately.
So now what do I have to do…?
Wait, wait, wait.
I’ve been crying about it, but what else is new.
So just for an FYI, if I have seemed off lately, it’s because I am.
If I haven’t hung out with you/called you back/made plans, it’s not because I don’t want to…
I just already feel like a mess, so I don’t want to be a wreck in front of people.
I already feel terrible about how I have been around Tony and Kara and my family.
I’m going to try harder to be in better control of myself, but it’s hard because this isn’t just like,
“Oh, I’m in a bad mood today, so I will take it out on you,
and I feel like being a baby so I will cry about everything.”
It’s,
“Holy hell, I have absolutely no way to fix my hormone levels, until the doctors can figure something out.”
I’m completely helpless and I hate it.
I wish there was something…anything…I could do.
I guess all that I can do is find a better doctor and hope that very soon this will all be over and I will be back to my old self again, because I fucking hate who I am now.
I’m praying that I don’t lose anyone over this.
Or that everyone starts to hate me.
Or not want to be around me anymore.
Hell, I don’t even want to be around myself.
I just want people to know, it’s not my fault that this is happening right now…and if I could make it better, I would.
But for now I have to take this day by day.
I’m sorry for putting everyone in my life through anything.
I love you and thank you for sticking by me.
I couldn’t and wouldn’t of made it this far without you.
And even if it seems like I am un happy all the time…
know that when you guys are around, I feel better.
Even if it’s just a little bit.
I love you Kara, Tony, Melissa, Sam, Kirsten, Crit, Halla, Steffi, and everyone else that hasn’t given up on me.
I just hope you never will.
Because then I would truely have nothing left in me.
Edit
I love you too Rich!!!
OddsAgainst*** (2:11:26 PM): I miss you sooooo much. I just read your other LJ entries and you need a friggin hug. you are a warrior and dont let those fucking doctors change that. we are gonna live forever.