"And I'm telling you right now that Im a fake..."
So to be completely honest, I know exactly what is wrong with me.
~I don't want to go to school (I will explain)~
~I'm tired of feeling like I have to protect people (I will sorta explain)~
~I dont' know what to do about work (I havent explained yet)~
~You don't deserve my love~
I am afraid of college, I think. I reject the unfamiliar, and college being unfamiliar is not something that I am really looking forward to right now. I mean, when I think I have it all figured out, what I want to do and all I go and start thinking again and now Im not so sure anymore. And I dont want to waste my time, effort, and most of all money trying to figure this out. Im angry with myself because Im being so indecisive about all this, and even more angry with myself for not wanting or trying to figure it all out. And right now I just have that attitude that I dont really care, and that is not good to have right now. School starts on wednesday for me, and Im just not looking forward to it at all. I've gone to the school a few times this past week (for books and other stuff) and I just dont like the feeling of being there.
I dont know how well I can explain feeling like I have to protect people. I just know there are certain things going on right now that people could use my protection from. This time I am going to choose to stay out of it though. I dont really have a reason for my decision, but it's what Im choosing to do. I've got more on my plate right now than people know about, and I dont need to add one more thing that's not going to matter to anyone in another month.
Work. Im in a pickle. My boss has choosen to step down from her position (hey, it's better than being fired from it, and that's all a really long story that Im not going to explain) and is actually going to quit the company all together in a week or two. My predicament is whether to stay or leave as well. Now, she's buying her own company and wants to hire me, but can't right away for money reasons. And this all goes along with that rejecting the unfamiliar thing. Whoever her replacement is going to be is going to change a bunch of shit (that's why they are being brought in in the first place). I feel really bad not even wanting to try and give this new person a chance, but Corinne is more than my boss, she's my friend, and I dont work for her, I work with her. It's kinda hard to explain I guess.
And more than anything that's on my mind it's Matt I guess. I thought I had taught myself to forget about him, but that's hard, especially with Matt. I guess we both kinda know we're gonna end up together, but waiting for it to happen really sucks, especially knowing he's with her right now. I don't hate her because she has what I want. But I don't like her for all the shit she has talked about me to Matt as well as to her friends (via Myspace, that new Fall Out Boy song was written for her I guess). And I dont like the fact that Matt is really unhappy because of her. And you'd think a person being unhappy with their significant other would be cause for serious talks or a breakup but he can't bring himself to do that. It irks me but I know it's for a bigger cause. I can't really blame him I suppose for trying to help her, but at the same time I dont want to hear about it. I dont want to hear about her coming to your house to make cookies with your mom. I dont want to hear how much both your parents love her. I dont want to hear about her abusive relationship with her mother. I dont want to hear her name unless your telling me it's over. The end period. Maybe you should tell you parents about all the problems she has and see how much they like her then. Your picture should not be on my planner.
I guess that's it. I'm staying home a lot lately and usually I would hate that but I think being alone right now is good for me.
<3 Jess