*click click click* I'm a crab, crabby patties crabby patties, crabby pants crabby pants...
So two Fridays ago I did something that has taken the courage of almost four years.
I told Will that I have been crushing on him for quite some time now.
I kinda got the reaction out of him that I'd expected. Maybe not the one that I really wanted, but it wasnt terrible either. I don't really want to go into in but that's about the gist of it.
That night was also the first time I'd seen Justin Whitney since warped tour. Warped tour was yet another time that we saw each other and acted like the other didnt exist. Mike's party was a little different. He apologized for everything he had done to me or said about me, as did I, and I basically spent the whole night making sure he was alright because he had a shit load to drink and was puking everywhere. I guess he doesnt remember much from that night because he told Mlynar he didnt remember apologizing to me at all. Owell.
So Paige has like this super huge crush on Damien. He knows. And because he knows I feel like he's kinda taking advantage of the situation. For the almost four years that I've known Damien he has never had a "girlfriend" (now he has had girls that he liked and Im sure girls that he's "been" with, but never a steady girlfriend) and its been like that for two reasons that I know of, [1] He simply doesnt have the time for one, and [2] He likes the attention that he gets resulting from being in a band and enjoys playing the field. Those things are not going to change, at least not anytime soon because he has stated that himself. When I talked to Will about the way I felt for him he did mention that no one in the band has time for a girlfriend and that Damien had mentioned knowing that Paige liked him and said something to the effect of flirting and "stuff" but no time for a girlfriend. I know what "stuff" is. I've tried to tell Paige all of this but she wont listen to me. So because of this every guy that she meets now doesnt matter because of Damien. But I guess she's only punishing herself because she's gonna wait for however long for something to happen, but it's not going to. I just hope she doesnt wait too long...And I'm pissed at Damien anyway. He hasnt called me in like a week or whatever. He calls Paige everyday (that's part of his flirting I guess, Damien is smart when it comes to this type of shit) and asks what she's doing later and then asks if Im around. It's kinda like "oh yea Paige I'd like you to come chill or whatever and Jess can be the one to bring you since you don't have a car and I not coming there". Hell no I am not going to be the booty call driver. If Damien wants to see her he can get in his car and drive out here, but he's never done that. And I tell Paige this, that's she's just another girl to him, another knotch on the belt, but she doesnt listen. Owell.
I've got a pet now too. I bought a BETA fish. It's kinda cool I guess. Gives me something to look at when Im on the computer. And he's easy to take care of. So it's not like a huge committment or anything.
Saw Matt Friday night. Told him the crap his girlfriend is trying to start. Also told him that us meeting will never be a good idea and that he might wanna let her know because she's about to get a foot up her ass. He laughed. He didnt even want to see her that night. And that is so sad to me. I care about Matt more than most might know and to see him unhappy (even if he says he's not) upsets me. I wish he could just wash his hands of her because he's not happy with her or the shit she puts him through. I guess things arent that easy anymore. And this should make for an interesting Saturday...
One day that Im not looking forward to. I saw Mrs. Teresa thursday. I had lunch with her. I saw the tears in her eyse almost the whole time we were sitting there but they never fell. She wanted to cry but not in front of me. And that made me cry. There is just no way of getting around the fact that this is hard. :/
A song for a particular part of this entry...
Early in the morning
Wake up to a bright blue sky.
Lightening comes at any time
To break it down and make it ugly.
I know that it's just for me,
Cause no one else can feel or understand.
That's alright because,
I can handle all that you throw down.
And I hope you find a perfect place
Where skies are beautiful all of the time.
That's all that matters pretty pretty.
And I know that's all that you could care about.
There's no reason why you can't.
It's all about the icing
Nobody cares about what's inside.
You could see the outiside face.
It looks good it must be great.
And I know that is all you see.
What would it matter anyway,
Cause I could see right through,
Your pretty pretty skin, today.
And I hope you find a perfect place
Where skies are beautiful all of the time.
That's all that matters pretty pretty.
And I know that's all that you could care about.
There's no reason why you can't.
No reason why I should try to go on anymore
My reasons all gone.
No reason why you should,
Try to make excuses to make me feel alright.
Excuses call for stupid reasons.
And I know that it's not much that I can offer right now.
Just give me one little second
And I will try my hardest
To make you feel like I'm someone else.
<3 Jess