Its been too long..
So I am kind of sick of working so much. I would go down to part time if I didnt need the money so bad. I dont see anyone anymore, and I hardly see my own boyfriend.. Yes believe it I am not spending every second of my life with my boy.
Lately it just seems as my life isnt going the way I thought it would. Its not all fun and games anymore to me. I get bitched at saying I am spending too much of my time with my boy but I'm not.. But no one seems to believe me. I actually work all the time. I have tried to keep my friendships but no one wants to meet me half way. I am in the wrong and have to do all the work.. Maybe I am so into being independent that I lost everything.
I dont even know how I feel about it anymore. I know people have problems with me but wont come out and say it. I dont get it. When did I become the bad guy?
Last time I checked I never turn my back on anyone but when I need someone my problems dont matter... I dont have anyones shoulder to lean on. Or so it feels. My feelings dont matter.. They dont matter to anyone. For once when I cry I want someone to comfort me, and hug me when I am sad. I want someone to come running when I need them. I want my friends to call and ask me whats up or whats going on in my life. Or when I cry to comfort my sorrows just like I come running no matter how much I think they hate me. I am just pathetic right? But is it so much to ask for someone to REALLY care about me. I want someone there for me no matter the circumstances. I want them to listen.. Actually hear what I am saying. My life matters to! I am here.. I am not invisible! I AM ALIVE!
I want to be alive to someone.. I want to be something to someone and not just my boyfriend. But I dont want someone to make me feel low. I want the support just like I give everyone.
I'm dumb I know.. But I am human I guess..
Maybe it is better I hide behind my books.. There I can be what they are. There I am something. I am something to someone.. Its easier to hide then to hear how emotional I am, how bad of a friend I am, or how I am not there.. I am here.. I have NEVER left.
I want to be something, but I know that no matter how hard I try to be myself.. Its never good enough for anyone. No matter what I do its NEVER good enough.
When am I gonna be good enough? When is it my turn to have someone support me.
Not matter how hard I try.. I am still invisible.. and even when I am noticed.. I am nothing. I am everyone's joke. I am the person people can make feel like nothing and not say a damn thing. I sit around and take it. Just like I always will..
Sorry for wasting your time.
I am not looking for sympathy... But just a friend.
Lately it just seems as my life isnt going the way I thought it would. Its not all fun and games anymore to me. I get bitched at saying I am spending too much of my time with my boy but I'm not.. But no one seems to believe me. I actually work all the time. I have tried to keep my friendships but no one wants to meet me half way. I am in the wrong and have to do all the work.. Maybe I am so into being independent that I lost everything.
I dont even know how I feel about it anymore. I know people have problems with me but wont come out and say it. I dont get it. When did I become the bad guy?
Last time I checked I never turn my back on anyone but when I need someone my problems dont matter... I dont have anyones shoulder to lean on. Or so it feels. My feelings dont matter.. They dont matter to anyone. For once when I cry I want someone to comfort me, and hug me when I am sad. I want someone to come running when I need them. I want my friends to call and ask me whats up or whats going on in my life. Or when I cry to comfort my sorrows just like I come running no matter how much I think they hate me. I am just pathetic right? But is it so much to ask for someone to REALLY care about me. I want someone there for me no matter the circumstances. I want them to listen.. Actually hear what I am saying. My life matters to! I am here.. I am not invisible! I AM ALIVE!
I want to be alive to someone.. I want to be something to someone and not just my boyfriend. But I dont want someone to make me feel low. I want the support just like I give everyone.
I'm dumb I know.. But I am human I guess..
Maybe it is better I hide behind my books.. There I can be what they are. There I am something. I am something to someone.. Its easier to hide then to hear how emotional I am, how bad of a friend I am, or how I am not there.. I am here.. I have NEVER left.
I want to be something, but I know that no matter how hard I try to be myself.. Its never good enough for anyone. No matter what I do its NEVER good enough.
When am I gonna be good enough? When is it my turn to have someone support me.
Not matter how hard I try.. I am still invisible.. and even when I am noticed.. I am nothing. I am everyone's joke. I am the person people can make feel like nothing and not say a damn thing. I sit around and take it. Just like I always will..
Sorry for wasting your time.
I am not looking for sympathy... But just a friend.