On to the future...?

Feb 07, 2005 22:47

This morning Osito passed away. for those of you who don't know, Osito was my oldest golden retreiver. He was my ninja dog.
This morning when my mom told me that he passed, i had just woken up, so i was discobobulated. i thought she was telling me that we were going to have to put him to sleep when she said something along the lines of osito embracing death. i asked if i could go to the vert when they put him to sleep and she looked at me with empathy in her eyes as if to say out loud without moving her quivering lips, "you poor dear, you don't understand."
Comfort wasn't offered at school. At least not to comforting level. I needed closure; I never found it. I wanted to scream; I was silenced. I needed to run; I only satisfied the need to run when i found myself almost late to geometry after an unexpected trip to my locker. but then- what was i running from? What Wasn't i running from?
Someone fill me in because i've podered it for years and never found the answer, and now i want to find it more then ever. Where did his soul go? i mean, there's the whole movie "All Dogs go to Heaven,"
but how did it leave him? Did it go through his nose? his mouth? did it do right through is solid skin? Why the hell can't i see his soul? what makes it invisable? what is a soul really? what makes it? being the daughter of a doctor and ex nurse, i've learned about the body pretty thoroughly and never once was i told "This, Anna Grace, is where the soul goes." Why wasn't i ever told that? I want to know. Can anyone tell me?
My mom said the vets had to remove my dead dog from the bed of my dad's truck with a stretcher. Osito was huge. he weighed 130 pounds. My mom said as soon as they started walking him into the vet's offic eon the stretcher, my dad just lost it. I wish i had been there with my dad so that we could have lost it together. thats something i needed more then ever. someone to just cry with, or even just someone to let me cry and say it was okay, but after i left the house I never got that. maybe friends didn't think i wanted to be bothered and thats why they left me alone. I wish they had bothered me. I wish alot of things.
Osito was my dog. I picked him out when i was two. We got him in Mississippi. He was the best of the batch. i did an excellent job chosing if i say so myself. His dad's name was Oso, meaning bear, and believe me.. it fit! he was huge and looked just like one. so we gave out fun-loving puppy a simmilar fitting name, Osito, meaning little bear.
I remember alot from my childhood. They say you start to remember things as soon as you start to talk. I talked at 8 months and remember silly things that happened not too much later.. like the incident with the slide. anyhow, out of everything i remember, there are two things i remember specifically: Shana and Osito. They were there all through my childhood. Hell, Shana taught me how to walk. Shana was my dog who died two years ago at the age of 14. So now that i've lost Osito and Shana both, i think i've become afriad of losing memories of my childhood since i no longer have someone who was there that i could share them with. Osito and Shana were there for all my early memories. I think i fear that with the death of my dogs comes the death of my childhood. I don't want to forget either dog. i want to write a book about every single memory i have obtained over the last 15 years, down to the smallest memory like when i use to sit on the swings and share my ice cream with Osito, but the truth is, my memory has grown hazy and has begun to melt down just as the ice cream that dripped onto Osito's nose so many summer afternoons ago- a faint, sweet, pleasure, that slowly drips to nothing.
Good Bye Osito.
1992-2005
I couldn't have picked a better dog.
Oh yes, and puppy misses you somethin' fierce..
Saying good bye has never been, isn't, and never will be my strong point, but know this morning, when i stupidly waved, it was me trying to come to a consensus with the parting. You were a beautiful creature. Mark my words, there's one more star in the sky now that you've left this life.

"Good bye does not mean you are gone, for as long as i still love you, you live on."
- Leah Mcnarma
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