(no subject)
Okay. So, I'm fairly sure that no one reads this anymore. Because I mean, I don't read anyone elses anymore... does anyone post in here anymore? Goodness.
But I need to get some things off of my chest and possible do a complete run around and not make any sense at all. but if I don't get these things out, I might explode and take out some people on the way.
I love him. I love him with every single piece of my insides. So why is it so hard to just accept the things that happen? I'm clingy. There is no denying it. I wish that I wasn't, but I am. I just want to be with the person that I love more than anything ever all the time. I don't understand what is so completely crazy about that. I mean, I love him so I want to spend all the time with him... der. Of course that makes sense. But then, of course he wants to spend time away from me because in any healthy relationship, there is time apart. I have a hard time understanding relationships with time apart because my parents spend and have always spent (at least since I can remember) every single second with each other. The only time they spend apart is when my mother is working. He picks her up for lunch every day and they spend all night together watching tv. So that is the model that I've seen for my whole life.
I'm so emotional. I totally understand people having a hard time with that. I cry. A LOT. But that's just who I am. I think that every single person I've ever met in my life has seen my cry, or will some time before I die. There is just no doubt about it. It helps me cope with how I feel. It gets it out. It makes me feel better. I am someone who gets very upset, very quickly, and then forgives and forgets very quickly. I don't like holding in anger or any kind of being upset because I feel like it ruins you. I don't want to be an emotionless person. I want to have emotions, truly passionate emotions. I had a very dear friend tell me very recently that he knew just how passionate I was and how he knew that this must be killing me. I never realized that people could tell I was passionate on the outside.
I've had a lot of people tell me a lot of things in the past few days. and it was all really so good. I've had people tell me they were proud of me. People tell me that I'm one of those people who already knows who she is. People tell me that they're always going to be there for me. It's amazing. I never knew these things I guess. It's so nice to hear and be reminded of them.
I am me. I am Katie. I love to sing. I'm so shy sometimes that it's unbearable, but I have been getting over that SO much... it's kind of amazing. I'm very picky about my food. Which leads me to be overweight. I'm not thrilled with how I look on the outside which could be a huge factor into why I'm so clingy. I'm emotional. I like to cry. I like to read the Twilight books like a huge 13 year old. I want to go to California so bad that I could kill someone. I want to learn the piano again, but I'm absolutely petrified and feel like the hugest chicken EVER because of it. I love to laugh. I love to drive with my windows down. I like looking at the clouds and thinking about life and what it all means. I love. I love things, people, animals with all of my heart. and sometimes, it's not good.
I never thought I could be so confused. I'm SO scared to completely fuck this up again that I feel like I'm tiptoeing around everyone and everything.
All I want out of this is him.
God, please help me calm down. Please help me relax. Please help me be the strong person that I know I am and do my own thing. Please help me realize that this may not work, but that it was all worth it in the end. Please help me do this. I need some help. I really need some help. But thank you God for the people who are here with me through this. I need them more than anything ever.
I don't think any of this makes sense. I'm just typing. I'm trying to get it all out without crying.
You know, I need to change some things about myself. and it's not for him, it's for me. I'm 23 fucking years old. I'm going to be old some day real soon and look back and hate myself for not taking care of myself. I'm way too fat and I need to fix that. I really think that working on fixing that is going to improve my attitude and improve so much more along the way.
God, please let him feel better tomorrow. I want to sleep there more than anything in the whole world, but I'm not going to do it if he doesn't ask me.
"Don't push it. Don't push him."
I'm not going to ask to move back in. I have always had a plan of waiting until he asked me. It will be hard somtimes I'm sure of it, but it's what I need to do.
God, please please please please let him ask me back soon. I need him by my side. I need him next to me while I sleep. I can't keep doing this.
I'm so scared that this time apart is going to lead to him not wanting me to be there ever. I'm so so petrified that if I don't see him, he's just going to get used to it and not miss me at all. Most girls would be so good at this. They would be playing the girl game and you know, making him miss them by being away. I'm so scared of him not wanting me anymore.
God, if we both love each other SO much... can we make it work?
I really just want it to work. So bad. So bad that it's running through my veins. It's all I think about. All I dream about.
Please God, from the bottom of my heart... I need your help.