(no subject)
I'm so fucking angry and hurt. Danny has found out about Sam. He called me up last night to tell me. Apparantly somebody saw me kissing him. I mean, yes people I know have walked past the two of us at the Frog but they can't have seen anything! Anyway, that doesn't even matter. I'm kind of glad that Danny's found out now. It makes things a lot easier in some respects. But he had absolutely no right to call me up and have a go at me about it! I mean, I can see that he's pissed off because I lied to him about Sam, but what the fuck? I wasn't gunna tell him when we'd pretty much only just broken up, was I? I knew it was gunna make things worse for him, and it has done.
The annoying thing is, I came so close to telling him about me and Sam yesterday when we went out for a fag. Things always happen that way. It takes the piss.
And the other thing that's really doing my fucking head in, is that he's telling me how I can't just ditch him and everyone from school for Sam and everyone from outside of school. But then he's calling me up and saying all this crap to me and generally being down-right shitty towards me and bitching about my friends!! I mean, am I not just more fucking likely to ditch him then? If he does still want me around as a friend then he should start treating me like one. Instead of being so nasty to me all the time and turning everyone against me.
He can't understand half of what's going on with me right now. Not fucking half.
I'm going out for a ciggy.
*10 minutes later*
I just need somebody to talk to. Somebody at school. but there isn't anybody. I just don't know what to do anymore.
God this is so fucked up.
Ugh I've just written like 3 paragraphs twice and they keep disappearing!! I can't be bothered now.
Basically, what I was saying, was that my mum wanted to ring the school. I said no because that's ridiculous and pathetic. Then she wanted to talk to Danny but I said no to that too. Now Sam wants to see him. He makes me giggle. He keeps trying to act all hard and over-protective. It's sweet. He looks out for me. As does Neil. Infact, that whole group is awesome. They've just accepted me with no questions asked. It's like I've been friends with them for years. I just wish I had people like that at school. I know that I could. But Danny's just creating this huge rift. I don't think he realises that I can't be close to many of them because he's already been so close to them for such a long time. I know that they'll side with him no matter what I say. And I don't want to even try and get them to my way of thinking, I'm just saying that Danny keeps telling me that they still want me to be around (don't know how true that is but still...) and how they want me as a friends, but I can't see that because I know that they probably all hate me now. Even if they say they don't or pretend that they don't...they probably do, because I know that Danny will have been talking about me.
I mean for fucks sake, he was grilling everybody on msn last night about Sam! What does it fucking matter?! I've explained to him why I lied, but he won't drop it! Why can't he just be happy that I've found somebody like Sam who I can talk to? Sam and his friends have got nothing to do with all this shit so it's just so easy to be able to hang out with them and forget..
Have you noticed how, when you're going through a shit time, it brings back all the old stuff too? I've been thinking about my nan a lot recently. I want to go and see her grave but I don't know how to get there. I miss her so much it hurts. She was such a fantastic person. Could always make me laugh. I miss my sister too. It's been way too long. Over a year, in fact. She's a fantastic person too. She's like, my actual idol. The whole, 'When I grow up I want to be like her,' thing and everything.
And I've done some stuff that I haven't done for over two years that I told myself I would never do again.
I hate this.
Hate it so much.
The annoying thing is, I came so close to telling him about me and Sam yesterday when we went out for a fag. Things always happen that way. It takes the piss.
And the other thing that's really doing my fucking head in, is that he's telling me how I can't just ditch him and everyone from school for Sam and everyone from outside of school. But then he's calling me up and saying all this crap to me and generally being down-right shitty towards me and bitching about my friends!! I mean, am I not just more fucking likely to ditch him then? If he does still want me around as a friend then he should start treating me like one. Instead of being so nasty to me all the time and turning everyone against me.
He can't understand half of what's going on with me right now. Not fucking half.
I'm going out for a ciggy.
*10 minutes later*
I just need somebody to talk to. Somebody at school. but there isn't anybody. I just don't know what to do anymore.
God this is so fucked up.
Ugh I've just written like 3 paragraphs twice and they keep disappearing!! I can't be bothered now.
Basically, what I was saying, was that my mum wanted to ring the school. I said no because that's ridiculous and pathetic. Then she wanted to talk to Danny but I said no to that too. Now Sam wants to see him. He makes me giggle. He keeps trying to act all hard and over-protective. It's sweet. He looks out for me. As does Neil. Infact, that whole group is awesome. They've just accepted me with no questions asked. It's like I've been friends with them for years. I just wish I had people like that at school. I know that I could. But Danny's just creating this huge rift. I don't think he realises that I can't be close to many of them because he's already been so close to them for such a long time. I know that they'll side with him no matter what I say. And I don't want to even try and get them to my way of thinking, I'm just saying that Danny keeps telling me that they still want me to be around (don't know how true that is but still...) and how they want me as a friends, but I can't see that because I know that they probably all hate me now. Even if they say they don't or pretend that they don't...they probably do, because I know that Danny will have been talking about me.
I mean for fucks sake, he was grilling everybody on msn last night about Sam! What does it fucking matter?! I've explained to him why I lied, but he won't drop it! Why can't he just be happy that I've found somebody like Sam who I can talk to? Sam and his friends have got nothing to do with all this shit so it's just so easy to be able to hang out with them and forget..
Have you noticed how, when you're going through a shit time, it brings back all the old stuff too? I've been thinking about my nan a lot recently. I want to go and see her grave but I don't know how to get there. I miss her so much it hurts. She was such a fantastic person. Could always make me laugh. I miss my sister too. It's been way too long. Over a year, in fact. She's a fantastic person too. She's like, my actual idol. The whole, 'When I grow up I want to be like her,' thing and everything.
And I've done some stuff that I haven't done for over two years that I told myself I would never do again.
I hate this.
Hate it so much.