(no subject)
I'm in a shitty ass mood right now so i'll start off with talking about how much dinner was a piece of shit.I wasn't very hungry so i was sitting there eating my biscuit slabbed with grape jelly, minding my business.My mom starts talking about Nonnie and how she doesn't like any of my cousin's boyfriends but she likes Ian and how Nonnie has always had a good sense and understanding of people.And my mom once told me i was like that too and I get it from Nonnie and I was like I'm like that too, didn't you say I was..and she was like yes.Then she starts talking about how "i should have been in the room for the funeral so I could have heard what Uncle Steve said about me." and i was like what do you mean? and she was like kajsdf you should have been there but you're so selfish you didn't go in and i was like look i'm sorry but I couldn't go in, i couldn't do it and she was like you couldn't be there for your family and i wanted to ask what family but i didn't.So she wouldn't tell me what she was talking about anyways, apparently my uncle said something about me during his speech in the funeral, i have no idea what he would say but whatever.She kept saying in her fucking smartass voice I DON'T THINK I'LL TELL YOU NOW!So whatever.So i sat there and continued eating my biscuit then she starts bringing up all of the things i should have done today and need to do tomorrow and everything i'll never do and never be and everything that's wrong with me...she just brought it all up.So i was like okay you can quit making me look like such a bad person...we know.Of course, she didn't.So i thanked her for ruining dinner and got up and cleaned off my plate (i was too mad to finish my biscuit and it was really good!)I was clearing my plate and Austin yelled at me not to throw it away but it was too late and i turned around to look at him and he goes "YOU STUPID BITCH!" and i stood there a minute then was like don't call me a stupid bitch and he goes, "Well, that's what you are."
I'm feeling really high on myself right now as you can see.If you didn't pick up on the sarcasm there,whatever.A few weeks ago before the funeral and all, after coogie passed away, my mom and i were in the car going somewhere.She was explaining to me about the schedule for the following week with the viewing, funeral and burial and all.And i was like fine with everything but she goes, "Just get through next week, sorry you're schedule will be inconvenienced for once but then you can go back to being Queen Bitch." and it just really made me angry.My own family thinks that low of me and it sucks.My least favourite is when my mom calls me a little shit.Yeah i know it sounds funny and it's funny when you call your friend that but when my mom tells me that's what i am, like that's my label, it's not funny and i'm not laughing.I'm so mad right now.It's one of those grand moods where I hate everything because it feels like everything hates me.I feel like people aren't happy with me right now, people are irritated and pissed off at me.I hate myself right now. I was talking to someone earlier and I mentioned how I don't hate anybody because hate is a feeling too strong to just throw around so easily.I save it for myself.The only person I hate in the world is myself.I wish i wasn't angry, i wish i wasn't bitchy, i wish i wasn't so emotional, i wish i wasn't lazy, i wish my grade in algebra2 wasn't a 22.4, i wish i wasn't selfish, i wish i wasn't self-centered, i wish i wasn't unconfident.I wish people didn't think i was so mean and heartless. I wish people didn't think i was so cold. I wish I didn't have to wish so much about what other people think of me. I hate it how every little tiny minute miniscule thing people say or do about me just gets to me and i grovel in it.It's like you look at me funny for half a split second once your whole life and I'll never stop thinking about it for the rest of my life that half a split second that you looked at me funny.You might not have even been looking at ME but i still think i'm horrible and ugly and strange and dumb and mean.God i have problems.I'm not happy right now. I was so happy this afternoon and yesterday and the day before that but now that all seems forgotten.I'm so fucking stressed out.I haven't even looked at any of my stories in over a month, over two months probably.I probably can't even write anymore, i feel so drained.I wish I could do some writing right now because that just puts me in calm-mode and i really do just completely forget about the ugly reality around me, i get so immersed in the character's life i'm writing about. I wish I could just become one of my characters...like Paris, and just be forgotten about.
That'd be nice.
I'm feeling really high on myself right now as you can see.If you didn't pick up on the sarcasm there,whatever.A few weeks ago before the funeral and all, after coogie passed away, my mom and i were in the car going somewhere.She was explaining to me about the schedule for the following week with the viewing, funeral and burial and all.And i was like fine with everything but she goes, "Just get through next week, sorry you're schedule will be inconvenienced for once but then you can go back to being Queen Bitch." and it just really made me angry.My own family thinks that low of me and it sucks.My least favourite is when my mom calls me a little shit.Yeah i know it sounds funny and it's funny when you call your friend that but when my mom tells me that's what i am, like that's my label, it's not funny and i'm not laughing.I'm so mad right now.It's one of those grand moods where I hate everything because it feels like everything hates me.I feel like people aren't happy with me right now, people are irritated and pissed off at me.I hate myself right now. I was talking to someone earlier and I mentioned how I don't hate anybody because hate is a feeling too strong to just throw around so easily.I save it for myself.The only person I hate in the world is myself.I wish i wasn't angry, i wish i wasn't bitchy, i wish i wasn't so emotional, i wish i wasn't lazy, i wish my grade in algebra2 wasn't a 22.4, i wish i wasn't selfish, i wish i wasn't self-centered, i wish i wasn't unconfident.I wish people didn't think i was so mean and heartless. I wish people didn't think i was so cold. I wish I didn't have to wish so much about what other people think of me. I hate it how every little tiny minute miniscule thing people say or do about me just gets to me and i grovel in it.It's like you look at me funny for half a split second once your whole life and I'll never stop thinking about it for the rest of my life that half a split second that you looked at me funny.You might not have even been looking at ME but i still think i'm horrible and ugly and strange and dumb and mean.God i have problems.I'm not happy right now. I was so happy this afternoon and yesterday and the day before that but now that all seems forgotten.I'm so fucking stressed out.I haven't even looked at any of my stories in over a month, over two months probably.I probably can't even write anymore, i feel so drained.I wish I could do some writing right now because that just puts me in calm-mode and i really do just completely forget about the ugly reality around me, i get so immersed in the character's life i'm writing about. I wish I could just become one of my characters...like Paris, and just be forgotten about.
That'd be nice.