(no subject)
I think today was one of the worst days ever.The gloomy sky, the rain and the fog..it all seems to unfortunately fit the day's events. It started out fine, school was fine, boring, but fine. Ian didn't want to go to ROTC so he came home with me and that was all fine and nice. Then my stomach pains came, the ones that i've been going to the doctor for and got an ultrasound for.My doctor thinks they're stress related because i do have quite a bit of stress.And then my uncle calls.He sounded pretty urgent and just told me to call my mom at work and tell her to call him at my grandparent's house in Calvert co.So i did that and then a few minutes later my mom called back and said she was on her way to my grandparent's house and I asked if everything was okay and she said "well, he's dying."..my grandpa (whom I've called Coogie since the day I was born..long story..)..he had a stroke a few nights ago and has been going downhill since.He's already always been in horrible health, he's like 86 years old, has been through cancer, heart attacks, strokes, seizures, WWII..basically hell.He's always had a lot of close calls..he'll be hospitalized,the doctors prepare us for the worst,then a day later he's suddenly fine.He's like a cat with nine lives, literally.So I sat on the couch most the afternoon upset about that because I knew things with my grandfather were getting worse, plus i had to deal with the horrible stomach pain.Then my dad called and said he was on the way home to take Austin and I down to my grandparents house, all my family was there, so we could all say goodbye to him.He probably won't make it to the weekend.I'm not even sure if he'll make it through the night.At first i was really reluctant to go, I dunno i just couldn't stand the thought of seeing Coogie lying there or seeing my Nonnie.I was crying a lot and then my dad told Austin to take Ian home once my dad got home.That didn't help because I needed him so when he left I was like sobbing for him to stay.We finally left, I sat in silence in the backseat of my dad's truck, staring out the window.When we got there, everyone was saying hi to me and i was just like..I dont know, I could barely smile.I couldn't look at my Nonnie..she looked so lost and frail.She's spent her whole life taking care of my grandpa,it's basically all she's ever known and now she just seems so..lost.She kept thanking me for coming and I just wanted to cry more.Walking into my grandfather's room where there's a hospital bed setup was the hardest thing.He was just lying there with his eyes closed, shaking kind of. I didn't know what to do at first so I just stood there, I was so scared.People were just sitting around watching me waiting for me to do something and my parents kept telling me to go hold his hand so I did but it was like holding onto air..there was just nothing.He wasn't really moving,wasn't opening his eyes, I couldn't stand it.My younger cousin david..he's a sophmore, he came up and put his hand on my back.That surprised me i guess because he never has much at all to do with me.Everyone was treating me like I was really fragile.Anyways, I couldn't be in there for long so I walked out and cried some more in the hall.I sat around in the living room with my cousins awhile, my cousin Stacey (who's wedding I was in a year ago) she was there and she brought her baby Dylan (he's 4 months) and id never seen him so that sort of made me smile but i felt bad smiling.Then Austin and I decided to leave because it was like 7:30..so I walked back to Coogie's bedroom where my mom and uncle john were.I couldn't look at my mom either, that just made me want to cry.I walked over to the side of his bed and held his hand again and just looked at him a minute then stood in the doorway sort of reflecting about things..all of my memories with him.Then I turned around and left.
So now i'm home and I still haven't done my algebra, psych and research paper for aacc.I have so much to do but I absolutely cannot do it.I don't care about school right now. I keep thinking about my Nonnie and it keeps on making me cry.She is the sweetest most devoted loving wonderful tiny little Italian woman in the world and I love her to death. I wish I could just hug her forever. I've never seen her sad before..she's always smiling.But even tonight when her husband is on his last hours, she managed to smile a little bit.That's strength.
This is all so new to me.I've never had to feel what it feels like when someone you love is dying.I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to act and what i'm supposed to do.It doesn't help anything that all of this is happening so close to my birthday and christmas.But I suppose that's life, right.
I was just thinking about how baby Dylan was there tonight. He was in one room and everyone in that room with him was smiling.In the other room where my grandfather was, everyone was sort of crying.A beginning and an end, in the same house.
My eyes are stinging so much right now, I can't remember the last time I spent so much time crying..and really crying real tears.It's not fun.
That's about all I feel like writing.I hope everyone else's day was better than mine.
So now i'm home and I still haven't done my algebra, psych and research paper for aacc.I have so much to do but I absolutely cannot do it.I don't care about school right now. I keep thinking about my Nonnie and it keeps on making me cry.She is the sweetest most devoted loving wonderful tiny little Italian woman in the world and I love her to death. I wish I could just hug her forever. I've never seen her sad before..she's always smiling.But even tonight when her husband is on his last hours, she managed to smile a little bit.That's strength.
This is all so new to me.I've never had to feel what it feels like when someone you love is dying.I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to act and what i'm supposed to do.It doesn't help anything that all of this is happening so close to my birthday and christmas.But I suppose that's life, right.
I was just thinking about how baby Dylan was there tonight. He was in one room and everyone in that room with him was smiling.In the other room where my grandfather was, everyone was sort of crying.A beginning and an end, in the same house.
My eyes are stinging so much right now, I can't remember the last time I spent so much time crying..and really crying real tears.It's not fun.
That's about all I feel like writing.I hope everyone else's day was better than mine.