(no subject)
wow, it's has been far too long since my last blog. there has been many times i have wanted to just purge myself into here, but i have been turning inside myself more lately. my counselor says some introspection is good, too much may not be. i don't know... I am surviving any way i can lately. Give of myself as much as i can while still leaving a tiny bit for myself. Like this weekend..... I am taking off to south Florida without Josh and the girls. It has been far too long and i NEED this. I am going to visit, play, laugh, dance, and best of all... stop thinking! there is no serious life changing thinking allowed this weekend, i am leaving that in Ocala. I guess my biggest fear is that i wont want to return to all the responsibility and reality.
Marriages, families, lives are changing all around us. It's scary how many... It's all very discouraging. Josh is still set on making this work, too bad his actions don't always support that thought process. Add on my incredible daddy issues and it's been quite a ride lately... I confronted my dad last time i was in south Florida (about how his refusal to defend me or even really deal with me after my molestation really messed me up) and he basically told me that "what's done is done, you need to just get over it". this made my harden towards him and Josh, because it just made me realize that the men in my life never defend or protect me. why was i not worth it? STILL why am i not worth being cherished? my dad got admitted into the hospital with pneumonia and I felt concerned but mostly blank..... kinda how i have felt with Josh the past couple of weeks. before we left for South Florida the last time, we had a terrible fight until almost 3am. complete with wall punching, and other intimidation tatics... something snapped inside of me, I love that man, but he either needs to make some changes or I HAVE TO LEAVE.... I refuse to raise our babies like this, once he calmed down, he agreed he didn't want that for them or me either. The words always come so easy, but my greatest fear is that he wont ever back them up... Gma got some info on free anger management for him.
well it felt good to even just get all of that out. I may start blogging again soon. i need to switch into bouncy, busy mode, before i get stuck in the serious life changing thinking mode. love you all, even when i don't comment, i am still trying to keep up on your lives.
Marriages, families, lives are changing all around us. It's scary how many... It's all very discouraging. Josh is still set on making this work, too bad his actions don't always support that thought process. Add on my incredible daddy issues and it's been quite a ride lately... I confronted my dad last time i was in south Florida (about how his refusal to defend me or even really deal with me after my molestation really messed me up) and he basically told me that "what's done is done, you need to just get over it". this made my harden towards him and Josh, because it just made me realize that the men in my life never defend or protect me. why was i not worth it? STILL why am i not worth being cherished? my dad got admitted into the hospital with pneumonia and I felt concerned but mostly blank..... kinda how i have felt with Josh the past couple of weeks. before we left for South Florida the last time, we had a terrible fight until almost 3am. complete with wall punching, and other intimidation tatics... something snapped inside of me, I love that man, but he either needs to make some changes or I HAVE TO LEAVE.... I refuse to raise our babies like this, once he calmed down, he agreed he didn't want that for them or me either. The words always come so easy, but my greatest fear is that he wont ever back them up... Gma got some info on free anger management for him.
well it felt good to even just get all of that out. I may start blogging again soon. i need to switch into bouncy, busy mode, before i get stuck in the serious life changing thinking mode. love you all, even when i don't comment, i am still trying to keep up on your lives.