"Love, love is a verb. Love is a doing word, fearless on my breath.""
I know I've commented before on how it only seems like I write in this journal when nothing good is going on: when I'm depressed, or sad, or angry, or a combination of all of those. Well, it's obviously true, 'cause here I am writing in it.
Nothing bad is going on, per se, I've just been really depressed the last week or so. The depression stems from a feeling of loneliness. I'm the kind of person that needs someone to be around. I need someone that I can laugh with, that I can hold and hug and kiss, that I can just lay with on the bed or the couch and watch tv or a movie. I need someone that I can hold in my arms as we fall asleep at night.
I haven't had that for a while, and I miss it. Really, really bad.
Since Autumn and I split up, I've had a couple of prospects; obviously none of which worked out. Two of them bailed on me before we ever even had a chance to go out. One I broke up with after a week because she had gotten too clingy, plus there was a lot of family drama, and I had put up with enough of that with Autumn's family for almost three years, and didn't need any more of it right now. Another one kind of broke off before anything really serious could develop because of something that happened with the one before that....
Some people that read this will already know about this, and some of you won't: Come May 12th (approximately) I may be a father. Yes, that's right. An ex-girlfriend that I was with briefly is pregnant. I don't say for sure that I *will* be a father because of the circumstances. The estimated date of conception is right at the first time or two we were "together." A week later, on the day I broke up with her, she was with another guy. Honestly, I think that it's mine. It's just this feeling I have. But, because this other guy was involved in such a relatively close time span, there casts that little shadow of a doubt in there.
My previous journal entry kind of cast a little hint about this; those are the names of the child, depending on whether or not it's a boy or a girl.
And in case anyone is wondering, if I am the father, yes, I will be involved in the baby's life. For obvious reasons I won't be around all the time, but I will be around as much as I can, and make sure that the baby knows who his/her father is, and that they are there for them and care about them.
Sometimes I just wish that I hadn't fallen prey to such irresponsibility. Everything happens for a reason, though: both the good and the bad. All we can do is just accept what life throws at us and make the best of every situation.
Alright, enough about that . . .
I've been back living with my dad for a number of months now, and just today did I put (most of) my books back up onto the built-in bookshelves. It's kind of weird; it's like, now I have finally admitted to myself that I will probably be here for a while. Or at least I'll be here until I find someone to move in with, whenever that may be, be it a roommate or a significant other. I can't afford to live on my own right now. The other day I figured out all of my bills that are due before I get paid again, and it was about $750. Well, I guess technically I might be able to afford to live on my own, but I'd be so fucking poor all the time it wouldn't be worth it. And it's not like I'm living here for free; I pay my dad $250 a month. So, if I found someone to live with and share rent with, it'd be okay I guess.
Anyone need a roommate?? =)
I've also been trying to get back into writing more again. I've got all these ideas, TONS of them, but I just can never seem to find the motivation to do anything with them. When I do have any free time, I find myself instead indulging in some less-than-savory vices and wasting away my time watching seasons of tv shows, be it "24" or "Smallville," or playing World of Warcraft. Playing WoW wouldn't be so bad, really . . . just lately I have been getting bored with it. I've got a lvl 56 paladin and I'm starting to work on the end-game stuff, so it's getting a little more interesting. For instance, today I got attuned for Molten Core and started the Windsor chain up to the point that I have to go into BRD and talk to him for the first time. LOL, I guess Tammy's really the only one that reads this that will probably have any idea what I'm talking about, but oh well.
Perhaps this is related to my current emotional troubles, but I've stopped eating. Well, not entirely, but I definately don't eat as much as I should. For example: on a typical work day (when I work in the morning) I'll eat some cheese and have a pepsi on my first break, which is usually between 10 and 11, depending on the day. Then I don't eat again until about 6pm when I find something to eat for dinner, usually just a cup-o-noodles or two hot pockets. The next day I just rinse and repeat. Note that breakfast is not mentioned in there . . .
Yesterday all I ate was like two small leftover pieces of pizza that my mom had in her fridge, and so far today all I've eaten was part of a small Tombstone pizza that my dad made at like 10:30.
On the plus side, I have been losing some weight, so that's always good. I guess. . .
That's all for now I guess, don't really feel like "talking" about anything else right now.
Nothing bad is going on, per se, I've just been really depressed the last week or so. The depression stems from a feeling of loneliness. I'm the kind of person that needs someone to be around. I need someone that I can laugh with, that I can hold and hug and kiss, that I can just lay with on the bed or the couch and watch tv or a movie. I need someone that I can hold in my arms as we fall asleep at night.
I haven't had that for a while, and I miss it. Really, really bad.
Since Autumn and I split up, I've had a couple of prospects; obviously none of which worked out. Two of them bailed on me before we ever even had a chance to go out. One I broke up with after a week because she had gotten too clingy, plus there was a lot of family drama, and I had put up with enough of that with Autumn's family for almost three years, and didn't need any more of it right now. Another one kind of broke off before anything really serious could develop because of something that happened with the one before that....
Some people that read this will already know about this, and some of you won't: Come May 12th (approximately) I may be a father. Yes, that's right. An ex-girlfriend that I was with briefly is pregnant. I don't say for sure that I *will* be a father because of the circumstances. The estimated date of conception is right at the first time or two we were "together." A week later, on the day I broke up with her, she was with another guy. Honestly, I think that it's mine. It's just this feeling I have. But, because this other guy was involved in such a relatively close time span, there casts that little shadow of a doubt in there.
My previous journal entry kind of cast a little hint about this; those are the names of the child, depending on whether or not it's a boy or a girl.
And in case anyone is wondering, if I am the father, yes, I will be involved in the baby's life. For obvious reasons I won't be around all the time, but I will be around as much as I can, and make sure that the baby knows who his/her father is, and that they are there for them and care about them.
Sometimes I just wish that I hadn't fallen prey to such irresponsibility. Everything happens for a reason, though: both the good and the bad. All we can do is just accept what life throws at us and make the best of every situation.
Alright, enough about that . . .
I've been back living with my dad for a number of months now, and just today did I put (most of) my books back up onto the built-in bookshelves. It's kind of weird; it's like, now I have finally admitted to myself that I will probably be here for a while. Or at least I'll be here until I find someone to move in with, whenever that may be, be it a roommate or a significant other. I can't afford to live on my own right now. The other day I figured out all of my bills that are due before I get paid again, and it was about $750. Well, I guess technically I might be able to afford to live on my own, but I'd be so fucking poor all the time it wouldn't be worth it. And it's not like I'm living here for free; I pay my dad $250 a month. So, if I found someone to live with and share rent with, it'd be okay I guess.
Anyone need a roommate?? =)
I've also been trying to get back into writing more again. I've got all these ideas, TONS of them, but I just can never seem to find the motivation to do anything with them. When I do have any free time, I find myself instead indulging in some less-than-savory vices and wasting away my time watching seasons of tv shows, be it "24" or "Smallville," or playing World of Warcraft. Playing WoW wouldn't be so bad, really . . . just lately I have been getting bored with it. I've got a lvl 56 paladin and I'm starting to work on the end-game stuff, so it's getting a little more interesting. For instance, today I got attuned for Molten Core and started the Windsor chain up to the point that I have to go into BRD and talk to him for the first time. LOL, I guess Tammy's really the only one that reads this that will probably have any idea what I'm talking about, but oh well.
Perhaps this is related to my current emotional troubles, but I've stopped eating. Well, not entirely, but I definately don't eat as much as I should. For example: on a typical work day (when I work in the morning) I'll eat some cheese and have a pepsi on my first break, which is usually between 10 and 11, depending on the day. Then I don't eat again until about 6pm when I find something to eat for dinner, usually just a cup-o-noodles or two hot pockets. The next day I just rinse and repeat. Note that breakfast is not mentioned in there . . .
Yesterday all I ate was like two small leftover pieces of pizza that my mom had in her fridge, and so far today all I've eaten was part of a small Tombstone pizza that my dad made at like 10:30.
On the plus side, I have been losing some weight, so that's always good. I guess. . .
That's all for now I guess, don't really feel like "talking" about anything else right now.