She'll be a secret you can keep
I can't find the exact words to start off this entry right. It's been quite a while since the last time I've blogged so I kind of forgot how to put everything into words especially if my thoughts have been pretty screwed up lately. There is actually something in my mind right now that I'd like to let out. Maybe a lot of my friends had an idea regarding this matter, but I bet not all of them know what really went on and how much it has affected me. Now that I choose to finally talk about it, I hope those of you who know me well would at least try to understand because I trust you to be last ones to present me with bad judgment (*cough*highschoolfriends*cough*;)).
It has been around 4 years since the very first time I began to like this guy. He was mostly involved on my other blog posts in high school, but I never really disclosed who he was except for what he meant to me. Well, his name is XXXX, and I met him in our 2nd year of high school. I was never attracted to him at first sight like most people would probably suggest. Him being the first boy in class to make me laugh hysterically without knowing it was what drew my attention, yet it wasn’t until when we were assigned as seatmates in two of our classes that made me start liking him more. I refused to believe in the idea of that because we were endlessly playfully mocking each other every time. But of course, I knew deep down how I felt and considered it a small crush.
He had a girlfriend at the time, so I didn’t bother telling anyone about it; not even my best friends, because I knew it was high school. It was when everybody knew who liked who and treated it as if it were a big deal. When they broke up, things between us got a little bit different. The teasing and playful mocking never really ended, but the unusual text messages from him, and words coming from a few of his closest friends about me were something new. I remember the time I was picking the things that fell off my armchair as I stood up by the end of class. I was headed at my locker afterwards when I noticed he was walking with me towards the same direction. I playfully yelled at him and asked what his evil plan was. He didn’t say a word and kept laughing at me so I hit him, thinking he had a plan to embarrass me. Much to my surprise, he pulled out a book that apparently was mine. Well, you know how that goes! It was the first time a guy ever walked me to my locker. (Hey, I was in high school! Can you blame me for making it memorable? :p)
There were times when people around tried to make a “loveteam” out of us and awkwardness ensued, but the mocking between us somehow saved us from that. However, I tried not to pay any much attention to whatever was happening at the time because it was never confirmed. Hearing a bit of the buzz from friends didn’t count. I snubbed every little detail that came out, said “Yuck” and told people that we’re never going to happen… And that’s solely because I wanted him to try. I wanted HIM to tell me, but he never did.
A lot of things happened since then. Came 3rd year, he courted other girls. We weren’t seatmates anymore and things were different. But there were some months where I felt something was still there. One of his best friends knew and passed it on to me, but not unless I hear it from him, I refuse to talk about it. Then again, I didn’t even bother telling anyone at all because a lot of girls were involved and I didn’t want them to think I was trying too hard to butt in. Plus, I wasn't a fool enough to pretend I didn't know what other people thought of me --- a loser. Who would want a loser? I didn't want people to think I was delusional. I just let things be, because that’s how I always was. Did it hurt? Of course it did. It hurt whenever he behaved a certain way with me but he was never open about it and dated other girls. Sometimes I thought it was my fault, because I teased him too much that I might have "scared" him and that we never really had the chance to have a decent friendly conversation. On the other hand, I always thought I knew better, that I deserved better. He wasn't exactly what I wanted in a guy, anyway. But it wasn't that easy, because even if I kept saying he wasn't worth it and as much as I didn't want to think about him, I always did.
It wasn’t any harder though until one of our closest friends admitted her feelings towards him. She liked him so much that… I helped her. I helped her get a chance with XXXX only because I thought it was the only way to make ME spend more time with him like I used to, like old times.
See how hopeless I was? That was probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever done for a guy, for a friend, and to myself. It took me sometime to realize that it wasn't really him who hurt me… I hurt myself.
I got over the whole thing in 4th year while I made the best that I could out of high school, established closer bonds with friends I never really used to talk to that often, and didn’t look back. XXXX and I didn’t talk much since then.
It wasn’t until THIS summer, a year since high school, when he finally admitted it to me. I (jokingly) told him I always hated him. He asked why as he insisted he didn't do anything. You see, that was the problem. He didn't do anything. Of course I wasn't one to let him know what went down, because what really mattered to me was that HE finally told me the reason behind all those actions a few years back --- he liked me. As lame as that sounds, it was what I always wanted to hear directly from him since those days in high school. Sure, it was subtle, but he did. He's probably over it, but he did. To be honest, I didn’t react the way I could’ve reacted to it if he told me a few years ago. I even laughed and told myself, “Funny how we can now just talk about it when everything’s all said and done.” I had it in my head whether or not to tell him I felt the same way, but a part of me held back. I thought it would be best if I just let things be, like I always did… Or perhaps next time will be my turn to say it. I don’t know.
It’s weird though how after all these years, he still makes me smile. There are days when I randomly think about all those good times... And him. Days like this… It reminds me how fast times have changed. I may always have my heart open to others and we may have lost that certain feeling of what was once there but I can’t deny that I still care about him... Maybe I always will.
We haven't seen each other for a quite some time now and there are times when I do wonder where he's at, what he's up to, and then I ask myself, does he still think of me sometimes? What does he think about me now? But you see, it doesn't really matter anymore. As Alison Sudol would put it, “Just to put your mind at ease, you don't owe me anything. You paid me well in memories.”
Thank you for the pen-writing-on-skin memories.;)
It has been around 4 years since the very first time I began to like this guy. He was mostly involved on my other blog posts in high school, but I never really disclosed who he was except for what he meant to me. Well, his name is XXXX, and I met him in our 2nd year of high school. I was never attracted to him at first sight like most people would probably suggest. Him being the first boy in class to make me laugh hysterically without knowing it was what drew my attention, yet it wasn’t until when we were assigned as seatmates in two of our classes that made me start liking him more. I refused to believe in the idea of that because we were endlessly playfully mocking each other every time. But of course, I knew deep down how I felt and considered it a small crush.
He had a girlfriend at the time, so I didn’t bother telling anyone about it; not even my best friends, because I knew it was high school. It was when everybody knew who liked who and treated it as if it were a big deal. When they broke up, things between us got a little bit different. The teasing and playful mocking never really ended, but the unusual text messages from him, and words coming from a few of his closest friends about me were something new. I remember the time I was picking the things that fell off my armchair as I stood up by the end of class. I was headed at my locker afterwards when I noticed he was walking with me towards the same direction. I playfully yelled at him and asked what his evil plan was. He didn’t say a word and kept laughing at me so I hit him, thinking he had a plan to embarrass me. Much to my surprise, he pulled out a book that apparently was mine. Well, you know how that goes! It was the first time a guy ever walked me to my locker. (Hey, I was in high school! Can you blame me for making it memorable? :p)
There were times when people around tried to make a “loveteam” out of us and awkwardness ensued, but the mocking between us somehow saved us from that. However, I tried not to pay any much attention to whatever was happening at the time because it was never confirmed. Hearing a bit of the buzz from friends didn’t count. I snubbed every little detail that came out, said “Yuck” and told people that we’re never going to happen… And that’s solely because I wanted him to try. I wanted HIM to tell me, but he never did.
A lot of things happened since then. Came 3rd year, he courted other girls. We weren’t seatmates anymore and things were different. But there were some months where I felt something was still there. One of his best friends knew and passed it on to me, but not unless I hear it from him, I refuse to talk about it. Then again, I didn’t even bother telling anyone at all because a lot of girls were involved and I didn’t want them to think I was trying too hard to butt in. Plus, I wasn't a fool enough to pretend I didn't know what other people thought of me --- a loser. Who would want a loser? I didn't want people to think I was delusional. I just let things be, because that’s how I always was. Did it hurt? Of course it did. It hurt whenever he behaved a certain way with me but he was never open about it and dated other girls. Sometimes I thought it was my fault, because I teased him too much that I might have "scared" him and that we never really had the chance to have a decent friendly conversation. On the other hand, I always thought I knew better, that I deserved better. He wasn't exactly what I wanted in a guy, anyway. But it wasn't that easy, because even if I kept saying he wasn't worth it and as much as I didn't want to think about him, I always did.
It wasn’t any harder though until one of our closest friends admitted her feelings towards him. She liked him so much that… I helped her. I helped her get a chance with XXXX only because I thought it was the only way to make ME spend more time with him like I used to, like old times.
See how hopeless I was? That was probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever done for a guy, for a friend, and to myself. It took me sometime to realize that it wasn't really him who hurt me… I hurt myself.
I got over the whole thing in 4th year while I made the best that I could out of high school, established closer bonds with friends I never really used to talk to that often, and didn’t look back. XXXX and I didn’t talk much since then.
It wasn’t until THIS summer, a year since high school, when he finally admitted it to me. I (jokingly) told him I always hated him. He asked why as he insisted he didn't do anything. You see, that was the problem. He didn't do anything. Of course I wasn't one to let him know what went down, because what really mattered to me was that HE finally told me the reason behind all those actions a few years back --- he liked me. As lame as that sounds, it was what I always wanted to hear directly from him since those days in high school. Sure, it was subtle, but he did. He's probably over it, but he did. To be honest, I didn’t react the way I could’ve reacted to it if he told me a few years ago. I even laughed and told myself, “Funny how we can now just talk about it when everything’s all said and done.” I had it in my head whether or not to tell him I felt the same way, but a part of me held back. I thought it would be best if I just let things be, like I always did… Or perhaps next time will be my turn to say it. I don’t know.
It’s weird though how after all these years, he still makes me smile. There are days when I randomly think about all those good times... And him. Days like this… It reminds me how fast times have changed. I may always have my heart open to others and we may have lost that certain feeling of what was once there but I can’t deny that I still care about him... Maybe I always will.
We haven't seen each other for a quite some time now and there are times when I do wonder where he's at, what he's up to, and then I ask myself, does he still think of me sometimes? What does he think about me now? But you see, it doesn't really matter anymore. As Alison Sudol would put it, “Just to put your mind at ease, you don't owe me anything. You paid me well in memories.”
Thank you for the pen-writing-on-skin memories.;)