NO PRETENDING!!!
There really is no pretending that everything is all ok. Cause its not!!! I am terrified that this is how my life is going to be until the day I die. I will not settle for ordinary... I will not be a housewife and depend on someone else to take care of me... and most importantly I WILL NOT push aside my life long dreams like everyone else just because they feel that it can't get any better than it is. It can ALWAYS get better. But with that in mind, I still have a terror welling up inside of me that I will never be able to get out of this small town bullshit. That I will be stuck being mediocre for my entire life. I am so scared I will be on my death bed thinking to myself "I never got to do all the things that I wish I could have done." I'm not that kind of person. And with every plain ordinary day that passes, I have this nagging thought that today I could have done something worth while..... and I let the opportunity pass me by! And I can't handle that feeling anymore. And this lonely bullshit is driving me crazy. I know I have friends... I'm not denying that fact... but I dont truly HAVE them... I wake up alone, go to work, and come home alone, and this sit at home alone, and do nothing ALONE... Every GOD DAMN DAY!!! And I'm sick of it! I just want someone... I want things to be the way they use to be and I really wish I could feel love again. To feel wanted... like I have someone to wake up for. Cause waking up for me and only me just isn't cutting it anymore. I'm scared that one morning my strength is just going to bail out on me and I'm not going to get up... I'm going to bail out on life and just stay in bed. I AM REALLY OVER THIS SHIT!! I FUCKING WANT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!