Green
I've never considered myself to be a jealous person. From time to time I supposed I've felt envious of others, but I've never felt jealous. That hot, sick, hateful kind of jealousy.
Over the past few months I been feeling this burning seething jealousy that is making me into a person I don't like. People all around me are pregnant and I think they don't deserve it is much. They don't want it as much. They're too young, they're not married... Whatever the situation is I look for faults and I tear people up in my mind. This is not helping me in my quest to get pregnant.
Some of these people have been really sweet to me in the aftermath of what's happened and yet I still hate on them in my mind. Who does that?
I have this terrible uri and strep right now. I've been sick for like 2 weeks. I made the mistake of watching facebook videos of a girl I went to school with. They were of her pregnant self. Went to school with this girl from k to12. We weren't really friends, but we had activities and classes together. I watched her flirt endlessly with her now husband who I was pretty cool with. She was popular and snobby, though not really to me.
Watching these videos made me cry... Hysterically. My air passages closed already being swollen and filled with mucus. I was gasping for breath and almost flung myself into a darn panic and asthma attack. I'm better now but I'm not sure what to do to get better.
Many things are better but the thought of babies literally makes my chest ache. Brian doesn't fully get it although he says he does. He's over it now but he can't understand why I'm not. He said it happened to him too,but it didn't really. I feel like a part of me died with that baby.
Another month, another period, another opportunity to try again. This is getting so painful. Seriously considering giving up trying and facebook if it doesn't happen this month. I just can't do this anymore.
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