FUCK!
I'm warning you now, this isn't going to be a happy post.
So i just got home from the orthodontist where I was suppose to get my braces off, and I was super stoked about that because I've had them on since the 8th grade. Well I didn't get them off because as most of you know, I had jaw surgery a year ago...well there has been relapse. And considering the amount of itme it's been they think it's because my joint is deterating. Which means I have to have more surgery. None of you were around me when I had surgery to see how much it affected me, I told myself that I would NEVER go through that again, and now it seems like I will have to. Out of thousands of surgerys it would be mine to fuck up. It seems like I always have something trying to tear me down and I just dont understand why. I'm nto saying other people dont have problems but it just seems like I have them constantly, I can never just be in chill mode and enjoy life because theres always fuckign something. I just want it to be over. I wish my jaw would just be normal and I would be normal and fuck everything else. I dont have time to have surgery, I need to make a magazine [which I have no help doing], do an internship, study to get my SATs scores up and apply to colleges. I really dont have time for this shit. Not to mention, I think I might have pushed the one guy who has cared for me as much as I do him out of my life. I dont mean to do it, but I know that I am pushing him away, I know he wont want to deal with my shit for too long, he is such a nice guy, I dont know if I deserve him. I dont know if I dersve the kind of guy that I want.
FUCK!
I really am trying ot be posi about everything and it's just not working. I dont even know if I want to go to that show tongight because then I just haev to deal with MORE shit because ricky will probably be there and I'm just not in the mood.
I dont think people understand how much this bothers me, I had to hold back tears when they told em I might have more surgery, and as soon as I got into the car they all came out. I hate crying and I did. And I still am. And it's just like I keep asking myself why me. And i know everything happens for a reason but shit can it just calm the fuck down for a while cant i live a normal fucking teen age life without having to worry about being in the hospital for one thing or another. Fuck my jaw. Fuck my heart. Fuck my blood. Fuck me.
So i just got home from the orthodontist where I was suppose to get my braces off, and I was super stoked about that because I've had them on since the 8th grade. Well I didn't get them off because as most of you know, I had jaw surgery a year ago...well there has been relapse. And considering the amount of itme it's been they think it's because my joint is deterating. Which means I have to have more surgery. None of you were around me when I had surgery to see how much it affected me, I told myself that I would NEVER go through that again, and now it seems like I will have to. Out of thousands of surgerys it would be mine to fuck up. It seems like I always have something trying to tear me down and I just dont understand why. I'm nto saying other people dont have problems but it just seems like I have them constantly, I can never just be in chill mode and enjoy life because theres always fuckign something. I just want it to be over. I wish my jaw would just be normal and I would be normal and fuck everything else. I dont have time to have surgery, I need to make a magazine [which I have no help doing], do an internship, study to get my SATs scores up and apply to colleges. I really dont have time for this shit. Not to mention, I think I might have pushed the one guy who has cared for me as much as I do him out of my life. I dont mean to do it, but I know that I am pushing him away, I know he wont want to deal with my shit for too long, he is such a nice guy, I dont know if I deserve him. I dont know if I dersve the kind of guy that I want.
FUCK!
I really am trying ot be posi about everything and it's just not working. I dont even know if I want to go to that show tongight because then I just haev to deal with MORE shit because ricky will probably be there and I'm just not in the mood.
I dont think people understand how much this bothers me, I had to hold back tears when they told em I might have more surgery, and as soon as I got into the car they all came out. I hate crying and I did. And I still am. And it's just like I keep asking myself why me. And i know everything happens for a reason but shit can it just calm the fuck down for a while cant i live a normal fucking teen age life without having to worry about being in the hospital for one thing or another. Fuck my jaw. Fuck my heart. Fuck my blood. Fuck me.