....would I be out of line if I said...

[xxsoultoashesxx]

So yeah let me just say one word. FUCK. I dont know what to do anymore. Yesterday I was content with letting me and him be how we were because I knew he was still MINE. However that was before I got the call from him saying how much he fucked up and how he wished he could take it all back. I'm not going to go into details I'll say a name that's right Nicole. After I believed him that NOTHING would happen between them I was proved wrong. That's ok though because I'm not going to back down this time. I don't really know what the hell is going to happen...I'm going over Sunday morning. All I know it that I know Nicole still likes him and if he didnt have feelings for her [which is what I was told] then yesterday would not have happened. And yes for those of you who tell me to let other people take his place you dont understand...I LOVE HIM. I dont care if certain people who like me are loved by every other girl in school...I dont care how much they confess that they only want to be with me... because I only want to be with HIM. I've turned down people that I wouldve DIED to be with because there just isnt the want for anyone but him. I just...I dont know what to fuckin do. And for those who know me all to well I'm trying not to let my anger get in the way because I know I have an anger problem, I've had it since I was born. I dont know where me and him stand right now...but I know how I feel and I know everything he has said to me...but as I write at the end of all my blogs ACTIONS ARE BETTER THAN WORDS so if you love me then fuckin show me. I mean he is the greatest thing in my life, no guy will ever compare to him and he will forever own my heart. I will forever hold a grudge though because that's how I am. I wont let my anger get the best of me to the point that I do anything stupid--because that happens all too much and I know if I let it get to that point where I lose control then who knows what will happen. It's just like FUCK. I mean it's been 4 days of not sleeping and barely eating...when I do eat I force myself to do it. All for the simple fact that I'm lost. I dont know what to do...and I just dont get it. I dont know what to believe or what to think. I dont know exactly what happened between him and that slut..er..Nicole but I know enough. I want to believe what he told me and I do its just really hard after I put my trust into him and that happened. I mean if he didnt want us to be us then why did he say that? He is the one who decided that we we're loyal to each other...and I mean after he knows how much of a trust issue I have with people...it's just I dont know. I told him he hasnt lost me and I meant it...even though I'm not too sure if I've lost him or not. We'll see what happens on Sunday. I just feel like an idiot and I hate that...this is why I dont let people in. THIS IS WHY I DONT TALK TO PEOPLE. You always say I need to be more social but WHY if all people can do it hurt me? You said you never wanted to hurt me but then you went and did that. You contradict yourself. I know you're just as confused as me but you need to figure shit out and so do I. Well yeah...once again I'm sorry anyone had to read this and I know I'm not usually like this but for once this is too much for me to keep all inside without finding other ways out. so until next time...*bye* xxx
-kRiSt4

...actions are better than words...

I leave you with 2 songs today:
To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you?
I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
and I miss you.

So unaffectionate, so insecure
You claim to know a thing or two about heartache
And what it's like to have your insides torn out
And I believe you
I see it every time your pallbearer's palor is obscured by the darkness
Dancing across your face, and when the blackness veils your eyes in pain
I know what it's like when memories make you wince
And love letters read like obituaries
And photo albums are the books of the dead
I need no reminders, no more reminders
I'll forget the past and lay it to rest

If I had my way
I'd cut the calluses off your breaking heart
If I could get past the sternum
Cauterize those wounds with
Every kiss I could give to you
I'm holding your heart in my hand
The reason it still beats

Am I being too cryptic?
Am I being too obscure?
Love kills, romance is dead
And I don't even trust myself
But I love you
And you can pull my wings apart
And pin me down under glass
Until the end of days if it can help you
Discover that we share the same pain
I just hope you write your thesis
Before your subject is dead
No life after death