I just don't know anymore - I know it's long and depressing but I had to write it out.
Almost two to three weeks ago I was the happiest person. I had my boyfriend back. He was a Marine. He proposed to me. I was going to get married. I had everything I could ask for. But, now I just don't know what is wrong with me. That part of me died and I just don't know what to do. Thursday and Friday gave me so much to think about with all the spare time I had since I didnt have electricity until Sunday. I thought about everything that had happened to me before, all my experiences and my situation with Richard and realized that I'm scared shitless to marry him. First, I haven't had a phone call from him in like three weeks and I don't even know when I will be seeing him again. And, I know I know he's doing this for us. But, no he's doing this for himself first. What about me? While I'm here wishing to have him next to me I can't. I can't handle this separation. And, it's not only that he's far, but so many things have happened to me in the past month that has made me realize that there are other people out there to meet and see before I realize if this certain person is the one I want to be with. Therefore, I thought about it and I thought about it some more and cried for what I was thinking and feeling and realized that I am not ready to marry Richard. I'm not ready to be tied down like this and decided that I just need time to be Charlene. Not Charlene - Richard's fiancee or girlfriend. I need time to be the collge student that I want to be. Figure out if everything that I had planned out is what I want to do because right now they don't seem to be there anymore. I know I'm selfish because I want to leave this incredible guy that I have known for two years but when is it time that I do what I want. It has always been Richard this Richard that, but never Charlene. I need to be me right now. The engagement is off and I know this is going to hurt alot of people or even piss some off but what about me. WHat about what I'm feeling. I have a chance to experience another side of my life that I haven't in a while and from now on its all about the risks I take and not the planned easy life that I have had for the past two years of my life. I just need time and space and then hopefully I will see if me and Richard are really what is meant for me.