Stream of Consciousness 2 (I just might be crazy)
I found my happy today. A friend helped me remember where it was and I am profoundly grateful. I forgot what it was all about, just having fun, just being love, fuck how easy it is to get pulled down there again... The second you aren't looking or you let yourself slip lower; awaken only to see yourself swimming in a huge pool of it. It being the fear, the ego, the "personality". The neurotic, impatient, selfish, moaning, spiteful, unhappy groan. But to shed that. To let go of it and lay around nakkid in the center of the quiet mind bathed only in peace... Knowing you are safe, still, glowing.
I told someone that a night with them was "the most magical night of my life" He looked at me like I was nucking futs. In all actuality I was baked when I drew this, forgive me if it goes a stray... And anyway, it was true. It really was super fun. I have had quite a few super fun nights, but I couldn't quite call them magical. Now if I had said, It was the best night of my life ever and never again will the night shine, uhm I mean be dark o shit then maybe wait...what was I talking about...
I am crazy. We, every one of us are. Maybe that’s why we are here... to figure out how to get uncrazy. For some reason to do that we need each other. I have loved and been loved in my life more times than I can count and I am only 28. For the next... 80 years or so I would like to learn how to do that without going more crazy. I know part of it has to letting go of the need for attachment. Free spirited is my nature, I have to take all of these damn self-imposed society condoned shackles the fuck off, and live my life wide open, unbridled; truly free.
I started a new job today. I can like it if I want and most likely I will decide to. It's nice to talk all day. Surprise, I like to talk. Everything that is needs acceptance. Energy requires transference. From air to ground like lightning, from my hand to your hand. I read in a book about Kabala that in the beginning there was energy. That’s it. For a long time. Then it became aware of itself and split into two. A vessel and the light that fills the vessel. So if the original source energy was a Mike and Ike, the vessel would be the sugar flavored outside and the light would be the chewy center. So the point is that at some point the chewy center recognized that it can have the vessel without having to give anything. It didn’t have to do anything but it was always being given. So that and then this other thing I read somewhere that God or intelligent energy is trying to understand how to return to itself. If the way to love is through loving the self or loving other self’s, either way you love the self. I also read that when we fall in love with some one we are really seeing the god in them that we see or cant see in ourselves... Makes my mind tingly when I think about all this shit, the herb doesn’t help.
I I I I I fucking blogging too, it is really so self serving and then not only in the intimate pouring your heart out to the world sorta way, but then the need to share your inner most feelings to a few of your closest unknown screen names. Wanting madly to spill your heart directly at today's worthy target. Makes me think of soap opera. You can not have soap opera with honest people. Yet if people where really honest, then the soap opera would really be remarkable. Life changing even. Imagine a world where everyone told the truth. All the time, no matter how painful, unfathomable? Evil is done in secret, if we always had to be accountable to each other only for the actions we chose... We don’t want our friends to know what we really do... do we? Could we take the truth? Can you?
I think saying yes would be like what John Lennon eluded to in Imagine. Maybe if we didn’t have to feel heartbroken ever again because we can love with out attachment. We can let go of things that are no good for us and move into the lives we truly want/need to experience, sometimes people align and like everything else, perhaps synchronicity plays a heavy role in that, but life really can run smoothly, without worry, an you will be happily surprised all the time. Like I was today when I found my happy again.
I told someone that a night with them was "the most magical night of my life" He looked at me like I was nucking futs. In all actuality I was baked when I drew this, forgive me if it goes a stray... And anyway, it was true. It really was super fun. I have had quite a few super fun nights, but I couldn't quite call them magical. Now if I had said, It was the best night of my life ever and never again will the night shine, uhm I mean be dark o shit then maybe wait...what was I talking about...
I am crazy. We, every one of us are. Maybe that’s why we are here... to figure out how to get uncrazy. For some reason to do that we need each other. I have loved and been loved in my life more times than I can count and I am only 28. For the next... 80 years or so I would like to learn how to do that without going more crazy. I know part of it has to letting go of the need for attachment. Free spirited is my nature, I have to take all of these damn self-imposed society condoned shackles the fuck off, and live my life wide open, unbridled; truly free.
I started a new job today. I can like it if I want and most likely I will decide to. It's nice to talk all day. Surprise, I like to talk. Everything that is needs acceptance. Energy requires transference. From air to ground like lightning, from my hand to your hand. I read in a book about Kabala that in the beginning there was energy. That’s it. For a long time. Then it became aware of itself and split into two. A vessel and the light that fills the vessel. So if the original source energy was a Mike and Ike, the vessel would be the sugar flavored outside and the light would be the chewy center. So the point is that at some point the chewy center recognized that it can have the vessel without having to give anything. It didn’t have to do anything but it was always being given. So that and then this other thing I read somewhere that God or intelligent energy is trying to understand how to return to itself. If the way to love is through loving the self or loving other self’s, either way you love the self. I also read that when we fall in love with some one we are really seeing the god in them that we see or cant see in ourselves... Makes my mind tingly when I think about all this shit, the herb doesn’t help.
I I I I I fucking blogging too, it is really so self serving and then not only in the intimate pouring your heart out to the world sorta way, but then the need to share your inner most feelings to a few of your closest unknown screen names. Wanting madly to spill your heart directly at today's worthy target. Makes me think of soap opera. You can not have soap opera with honest people. Yet if people where really honest, then the soap opera would really be remarkable. Life changing even. Imagine a world where everyone told the truth. All the time, no matter how painful, unfathomable? Evil is done in secret, if we always had to be accountable to each other only for the actions we chose... We don’t want our friends to know what we really do... do we? Could we take the truth? Can you?
I think saying yes would be like what John Lennon eluded to in Imagine. Maybe if we didn’t have to feel heartbroken ever again because we can love with out attachment. We can let go of things that are no good for us and move into the lives we truly want/need to experience, sometimes people align and like everything else, perhaps synchronicity plays a heavy role in that, but life really can run smoothly, without worry, an you will be happily surprised all the time. Like I was today when I found my happy again.