I hate it here.
I am so hating this place right now. The end of the semester can't come soon enough. I can't imagine 2 more days in this place, forget about 2 years! GRRRRR! I have no purpose here. It's not like I'm going to classes to get some degree and go on to some job I'll enjoy. I'm just taking random stupid classes because I need to fill a schedule. I have no ambition. I have no goals. I just want to be happy. How do I achieve this? Sitting around here isn't doing it for me.
I want to get away. I want to be free of everyone else's expectations of me. I want to do what is right for me, not what others think is right for me. I'm so sick of doing everything because I feel it's my obligation. Why is it that I never get to do something because it's just what I want to do at the time?
I wanted to take a semester off next year. But that got my mom all sorts of upset. She kept saying I was "dropping out". I plan on coming back. I'm not just leaving school for good. I just wanted some time to be me. I'm going to have my whole life to be tied down to a job and have responsibilities and obligations. Why can't I just have a little fun right now?
As much as I hate regretting things and being angry about the past, sometimes I am so bitter towards my relationship with Jeremie. I try to see it as a learning experience...but I missed out on so much. So much time I could have been growing as an individual, and I spent it all trying to make another person happy, disregarding my own happiness. I missed out on a lot of experiences during those years.
I feel so restless. So ready to just go. Sitting in this room is driving me nuts. I need more than this. This can't be my life. And no one else around me thinks about this. Not to this extent. At least they have some idea what they want to do. But I think it's because they don't think or care about this as much as I do. They don't think "I must find a wonderful job that I can be passionate about and good at or I will fail miserably". When something isn't fun for me, when I just feel I *have* to do it, even if I hate doing it...I just won't do it. And I know that's terrible. And perhaps I'll never find a real job. Maybe I'll spend my whole life being miserable. Sometimes I wish I didn't have all this passion and all these silly ideals in my head. If I could just accept the norm, everything would be so much easier.
*sigh* Silly dreams...
I want to get away. I want to be free of everyone else's expectations of me. I want to do what is right for me, not what others think is right for me. I'm so sick of doing everything because I feel it's my obligation. Why is it that I never get to do something because it's just what I want to do at the time?
I wanted to take a semester off next year. But that got my mom all sorts of upset. She kept saying I was "dropping out". I plan on coming back. I'm not just leaving school for good. I just wanted some time to be me. I'm going to have my whole life to be tied down to a job and have responsibilities and obligations. Why can't I just have a little fun right now?
As much as I hate regretting things and being angry about the past, sometimes I am so bitter towards my relationship with Jeremie. I try to see it as a learning experience...but I missed out on so much. So much time I could have been growing as an individual, and I spent it all trying to make another person happy, disregarding my own happiness. I missed out on a lot of experiences during those years.
I feel so restless. So ready to just go. Sitting in this room is driving me nuts. I need more than this. This can't be my life. And no one else around me thinks about this. Not to this extent. At least they have some idea what they want to do. But I think it's because they don't think or care about this as much as I do. They don't think "I must find a wonderful job that I can be passionate about and good at or I will fail miserably". When something isn't fun for me, when I just feel I *have* to do it, even if I hate doing it...I just won't do it. And I know that's terrible. And perhaps I'll never find a real job. Maybe I'll spend my whole life being miserable. Sometimes I wish I didn't have all this passion and all these silly ideals in my head. If I could just accept the norm, everything would be so much easier.
*sigh* Silly dreams...