sometimes love is addiction and sometimes it hurts like hell and sometimes you just cant get enough
Well I'm home from vacation. Went well. Much fun. Some not so fun stuff. The usual.
I shopped for Sean's anniversary present today. It'll be a year on the 23rd of this month. *insert your awwes here* I have the absolute cutest idea. If you know it please don't comment on here as he visits this page and if you don't know, well check back later.
Now onto my current state of mind. If you don't care much for downright depressing shit skip over it. That simple. And don't get all pity-party on me. I don't want nor do I need it. I just need to get this out. Don't flip out or worry.
I can be such a fucking drama queen when I want to. But its easy to be that way when no one is watching. But what am I when people are watching? I'm fake. I smile and giggle. I'm polite and sweet. I'm cute and innocent. But when I'm alone. I cry. I scream. I'm dirty and ugly. Fat and disgusting. Absolutely unbareable and I hate it. Yet, I love it because its me. Truly. I'm selfish and dirty. I don't care to please anyone. No one matters because no one cares. Then someone finds me crying and bleeding and suddenly they care. I close up. I say I'm fine. The cat scratched me. I pretend as if being cooped up alone in my room means nothing to me. I pretend as if I'm a happy little flower among other flowers. Beautiful, surrounded by people, people who long to be as beautiful. Yet inside, my blood is boiling and my stomach is churning. I long to be sliced, I long to bleed. No one makes me feel like it does. Are you scared yet? Close the fucking window then asshole. This is me. A depressed selfish bitch. I havent bled in a long while. My hands say yes but my heart says no. Someone might get hurt. So? I know I will. It's what I long for. My mind is in a coma these days. I speak but its meaningless and no one cares. Why should they. I don't care when they speak either. I haven't a clue who I am or what I want. Where I'll be next year. Who will love me. Perhaps no one. I don't care.
And that will make absolutely no sense to any of you. And as usual, fuck off if you have a problem with it because I don't care.
I love most of you. *smooches*
-xox shi