(no subject)
this is the email i wrote to ashley. you dont have to read all the way down. because you prbly wont understand it.
gosh. today just sux. i asked mom if we could go to the beach and stay down there and then me meet up with you so that you can hang out with me and we wont have to be alone or something and she just went off and was like "i told you that i dont know if i can do anything or not, heather. i have inventory. besides, you have plenty of time before spring break. i dont have time to think of that stuff, heather. go away, i have to hairspray my hair." and it was all yelling and stuff and when she said i had plenty of time i go ITS IN EIGHT DAYS! I DONT HAVE TIME! and i asked if i could just go with my friends and that is when she said she didnt have time to think of that stuff. like her only daughter is just not important, of course. i have always known that though. well now im at the part where i just break down. and let all of it. all of this worry, pain, heartache, frustration...now i just let it all out. im crying. i need this though. i have wanted to cry for days. maybe that is why we were yelling. because in my mind i wanted to be yelling at dave or about dave. and maybe this is why i cry. because i havent talked to him. and im just finding something to cry or yell about. so that i wont have to admit that it is him that i am crying over. in my heart i know that. but my mind refuses to listen. im sorry if this email doesnt talk about what you want to hear or if it isnt about what you expected it to be. im sorry. i just...i have never been to the beach and i want to go so bad. i want to do something over spring break...i dont want to be alone. thats it! that is the problem! loneliness. i dont want to be alone. thats what really makes me cry. or yell. or makes my frustration build up. im alone when it comes to being with my family. im alone when it comes to being with my friends and im alone when im not with dave. i dont want to be alone. i cant stand the thought of being trapped in the house for 10 days. ive grown to hate this house. these walls. the miles between here and ashe. i hate it all. i just want to be with my friends. and my family, sometimes. you must know how i feel. i mean, you feel alone, too. i know that. but you arent 45 minutes away from your life. everyone will be gone or busy during spring break. i will be completely isolated. i cant let that happen. i will be stuck in the house for 10 days crying. that is what will happen. i just want to go somewhere. i want to be included. i have never done anything or been anywhere for spring break. i dont know what its like. and the blame is on my parents, for that one. i guess you could say i have family issues right now, at this point in my life. they come and go on a daily basis though. and it's nothing extreme. i just feel like everything i have, or have held onto of have had faith in for these past few days or maybe weeks, is just being taken away. and scattered out beyond my reach. i feel like im drowning in my tears and i cant stop. these feelings are so obsurd. i mean, that is what i dont get. a simple thing, like not being able to go to the beach or anywhere for spring break or not talking to dave, brings up all of these emotions and feelings. and i dont really know where they come from but i know that they cant all come from just one or two things. and the feelings sometimes have nothing to do with the problem that brings up these feelings. something else is bothering me. i cant quite put my finger on it though. god knows i would do anything to make it go away, if only i could figure out just what is truely, deeply, bothering me. ha. listen to me, i sound as though i've done lost my mind. maybe i have. no no, of course not. im just playing. but i do feel this way, of which i speak. and i dont think i should have any need to hide those feelings. i guess its just that i feel like im being left out. excluded. trapped. i want out, ashley. i need to go away from this house, this town, this place, for a little while. i need a vacation from it. some place that i can go to get away and not feel this way anymore. i need to go somewhere over spring break. and the mall just doesnt cut it. the beach would be relaxing, beautiful and fun. and my mother is taking that chance away from me. for what? so i can sit here and stare at the foot of snow and ice? so i can look at the dirt and rocks that make up our drive way? so i can sit in this same house, with these same walls, and the same shows on tv, and do the same thing, every day? that is it. that is what i need. change. good change. happy change. why is happiness so hard to find? maybe it is fiction. maybe its not real. i dont believe in true happiness. i mean, how many people do you know that are happy with their school life, their social life, and their family life? no one. well, none that i can think of. there are so many problems. and if they build up long enough then just the simplest upset can make them all come rushing out. i hate it. i have this week. i hate everything. ashley, i had something. i had something that made me happy. something that got me out of the house. i had dave. and i feel like thats gone now. not talking to him for days. i have never went this long without talking to him, since we met. i mean even when he worked at walmart all the time and had school, we talked at least for one second of each day. or at least every other day. and no, im not saying that im worrying about dave. its not him. im sad that i havent talked to him. he is sorta like my escape. ya know? but not my support system. no no. i really need him right now. but then again it makes me happy that he isnt online and ignoring me. ya know? but the happiness i get from that only lasts shortly, the longer it goes on. as for you. i think that you are completely in love with justin. i think that you love him like no one else ever could. and we dont see what you see in him. you see his heart, and his soul. we see him. just as though we see any other guy in school. but you dont. i dont know what you see when you look at him and i dont know how you feel when you think of him. but i know do that i dont feel or see the same thing you do, when thinking or seeing him. i feel nothing. but you, you feel something. something that only love could make you feel. you see something that only love can let you see. i dont know how long your feelings will last for him. but they have survived a year and you cant seem to find anything that amounts to the love you have for him. my best advice would be to hold on to it. but dont long for it. dont want it. because, you have it. and if you dont want it from him, then you will get it. you cant let him know that you want him to love you like you love him. because that isnt fun. we live life for the chase. if we can easily have something then we dont want it. it doesnt mean as much as having something that you had to work to get. do you understand what im saying? i hope you do. i guess you can call it hard to get. but thats not exactly what i mean. if you want something bad enough, you will get it. you have to working hard to get him and you have to make sure that you do. but you cant let him catch onto what youre doing. you have to snag his attention. have you ever noticed that we pass the same person every single day in the halls? but we dont see them. unless they make contact with us or do something to snag our attention. and then it seems like everywhere we go, they are there. you constantly recognize them when they are near you. have you noticed that? i have.
sometimes, i wish that i could be someone else. have a different life. look different. be who i want to be. i am, personality wise, who i want to be. there's no doubt about that. but the things i cant control are the things that i hate the most. the things that drive me insane and make me feel weak and powerless. we all have that feeling. you know what im talking about. everyone does. its not hard to grasp the concept of that. i just want happiness. lasting happiness. the kind of happiness that allows some bad to seep through, but not enough to feel a deep pain. in that escence, the happiness never really goes away. it just fades. get it? prbly not. im rambling right now, sort of. but oh well. i believe i have completed in giving you a long email. but i have one last thought. maybe i should date eric...ek. i dont want to though. i could get to know him...i guess. but amanda severt likes him. and i think shes pretty cool. and i dont like him. so therefore if i dated him it would be pointless and it would ruin her relationship or chance with him. so therefore i believe i have just decided that i dont and wont like him nor will i date him. okay thnx for the help on that one. lol. but yea. im going to go talk to ricky. so he wont think im depressed. im not. sometimes i feel like i am. but im not. so dont let this email through you off. im just upset right now.
loveyabunches&bunches
<3 Heather : : : xoxo
gosh. today just sux. i asked mom if we could go to the beach and stay down there and then me meet up with you so that you can hang out with me and we wont have to be alone or something and she just went off and was like "i told you that i dont know if i can do anything or not, heather. i have inventory. besides, you have plenty of time before spring break. i dont have time to think of that stuff, heather. go away, i have to hairspray my hair." and it was all yelling and stuff and when she said i had plenty of time i go ITS IN EIGHT DAYS! I DONT HAVE TIME! and i asked if i could just go with my friends and that is when she said she didnt have time to think of that stuff. like her only daughter is just not important, of course. i have always known that though. well now im at the part where i just break down. and let all of it. all of this worry, pain, heartache, frustration...now i just let it all out. im crying. i need this though. i have wanted to cry for days. maybe that is why we were yelling. because in my mind i wanted to be yelling at dave or about dave. and maybe this is why i cry. because i havent talked to him. and im just finding something to cry or yell about. so that i wont have to admit that it is him that i am crying over. in my heart i know that. but my mind refuses to listen. im sorry if this email doesnt talk about what you want to hear or if it isnt about what you expected it to be. im sorry. i just...i have never been to the beach and i want to go so bad. i want to do something over spring break...i dont want to be alone. thats it! that is the problem! loneliness. i dont want to be alone. thats what really makes me cry. or yell. or makes my frustration build up. im alone when it comes to being with my family. im alone when it comes to being with my friends and im alone when im not with dave. i dont want to be alone. i cant stand the thought of being trapped in the house for 10 days. ive grown to hate this house. these walls. the miles between here and ashe. i hate it all. i just want to be with my friends. and my family, sometimes. you must know how i feel. i mean, you feel alone, too. i know that. but you arent 45 minutes away from your life. everyone will be gone or busy during spring break. i will be completely isolated. i cant let that happen. i will be stuck in the house for 10 days crying. that is what will happen. i just want to go somewhere. i want to be included. i have never done anything or been anywhere for spring break. i dont know what its like. and the blame is on my parents, for that one. i guess you could say i have family issues right now, at this point in my life. they come and go on a daily basis though. and it's nothing extreme. i just feel like everything i have, or have held onto of have had faith in for these past few days or maybe weeks, is just being taken away. and scattered out beyond my reach. i feel like im drowning in my tears and i cant stop. these feelings are so obsurd. i mean, that is what i dont get. a simple thing, like not being able to go to the beach or anywhere for spring break or not talking to dave, brings up all of these emotions and feelings. and i dont really know where they come from but i know that they cant all come from just one or two things. and the feelings sometimes have nothing to do with the problem that brings up these feelings. something else is bothering me. i cant quite put my finger on it though. god knows i would do anything to make it go away, if only i could figure out just what is truely, deeply, bothering me. ha. listen to me, i sound as though i've done lost my mind. maybe i have. no no, of course not. im just playing. but i do feel this way, of which i speak. and i dont think i should have any need to hide those feelings. i guess its just that i feel like im being left out. excluded. trapped. i want out, ashley. i need to go away from this house, this town, this place, for a little while. i need a vacation from it. some place that i can go to get away and not feel this way anymore. i need to go somewhere over spring break. and the mall just doesnt cut it. the beach would be relaxing, beautiful and fun. and my mother is taking that chance away from me. for what? so i can sit here and stare at the foot of snow and ice? so i can look at the dirt and rocks that make up our drive way? so i can sit in this same house, with these same walls, and the same shows on tv, and do the same thing, every day? that is it. that is what i need. change. good change. happy change. why is happiness so hard to find? maybe it is fiction. maybe its not real. i dont believe in true happiness. i mean, how many people do you know that are happy with their school life, their social life, and their family life? no one. well, none that i can think of. there are so many problems. and if they build up long enough then just the simplest upset can make them all come rushing out. i hate it. i have this week. i hate everything. ashley, i had something. i had something that made me happy. something that got me out of the house. i had dave. and i feel like thats gone now. not talking to him for days. i have never went this long without talking to him, since we met. i mean even when he worked at walmart all the time and had school, we talked at least for one second of each day. or at least every other day. and no, im not saying that im worrying about dave. its not him. im sad that i havent talked to him. he is sorta like my escape. ya know? but not my support system. no no. i really need him right now. but then again it makes me happy that he isnt online and ignoring me. ya know? but the happiness i get from that only lasts shortly, the longer it goes on. as for you. i think that you are completely in love with justin. i think that you love him like no one else ever could. and we dont see what you see in him. you see his heart, and his soul. we see him. just as though we see any other guy in school. but you dont. i dont know what you see when you look at him and i dont know how you feel when you think of him. but i know do that i dont feel or see the same thing you do, when thinking or seeing him. i feel nothing. but you, you feel something. something that only love could make you feel. you see something that only love can let you see. i dont know how long your feelings will last for him. but they have survived a year and you cant seem to find anything that amounts to the love you have for him. my best advice would be to hold on to it. but dont long for it. dont want it. because, you have it. and if you dont want it from him, then you will get it. you cant let him know that you want him to love you like you love him. because that isnt fun. we live life for the chase. if we can easily have something then we dont want it. it doesnt mean as much as having something that you had to work to get. do you understand what im saying? i hope you do. i guess you can call it hard to get. but thats not exactly what i mean. if you want something bad enough, you will get it. you have to working hard to get him and you have to make sure that you do. but you cant let him catch onto what youre doing. you have to snag his attention. have you ever noticed that we pass the same person every single day in the halls? but we dont see them. unless they make contact with us or do something to snag our attention. and then it seems like everywhere we go, they are there. you constantly recognize them when they are near you. have you noticed that? i have.
sometimes, i wish that i could be someone else. have a different life. look different. be who i want to be. i am, personality wise, who i want to be. there's no doubt about that. but the things i cant control are the things that i hate the most. the things that drive me insane and make me feel weak and powerless. we all have that feeling. you know what im talking about. everyone does. its not hard to grasp the concept of that. i just want happiness. lasting happiness. the kind of happiness that allows some bad to seep through, but not enough to feel a deep pain. in that escence, the happiness never really goes away. it just fades. get it? prbly not. im rambling right now, sort of. but oh well. i believe i have completed in giving you a long email. but i have one last thought. maybe i should date eric...ek. i dont want to though. i could get to know him...i guess. but amanda severt likes him. and i think shes pretty cool. and i dont like him. so therefore if i dated him it would be pointless and it would ruin her relationship or chance with him. so therefore i believe i have just decided that i dont and wont like him nor will i date him. okay thnx for the help on that one. lol. but yea. im going to go talk to ricky. so he wont think im depressed. im not. sometimes i feel like i am. but im not. so dont let this email through you off. im just upset right now.
loveyabunches&bunches
<3 Heather : : : xoxo