*sighs*
...wow today ive felt like so many different emotions.
to name a few....
1.nervousness
2.excitedness
3.extreme happyness
4.sadness
5.hurtfulness
6.depressedness
7.tiredness :(
....grrr i hate being all those emotions at once.
anyways.. about my day.
i went to CVCC today. i had a blast. there are 2 hotties looking to get into media tech with me w00t!
...ugh, on a more emotional and sad note.... boys really make me angry a lot of the time.
the people i care about. care for ppl tht hurt them. ((i guess maybe they hurt them because the love em so much that when they say something the wrong way it hurts?)) i dont know anymore what i want. but... i gotta remember... nobodys perfect.
on tht note: i should have NEVER told Brett I like him ((should of listened to Erin...sorry Erin :())
.....he thinks im mad at him.and he tells me im tryin to make him fell guilty... and tht its working. well, he does the SAME DAMN THING!!! i'll explain about that tomrro sometime.... since i have a convo that will PROVE that he does what I do... what someone else does! ARGH!
Brett and I r so much alike. We want people to understand us for who we are...at the same time we want a "perfect" (im only usin tht word because i dont kno any other word tht could mean anything differently so, sorry) someone... who wont hurt us.... then again, we dont want to hurt anyone in the same repect. ((meaning if they like you and you dont like them like that))
heres where im different. i give in to other people too easily. i never stand by my word. always convinced another way. ((meaning if a guy says he likes me n he wants to date, i always say yes))...why? Im not sure... maybe because im always the one REJECTED and I KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE so... i TRY TO AVOID OUTTIN THEM IN PAIN like tht.... but end up doing it anyway. why? because... i juss get sick of them or "there not what i want".... then, thats where i become just like Brett. GAWD GRRR!
he juss makes a special seat in my heart for himself.. and expects me to like, not fall for him? wtf. he wants to help you out so much. be like a best friend and all... and then, you devlop a great feeling that it could be more. you try to talk to him about it and he juss kicks you in the ass with the honest to gawd truth. that hurts.....just about as MUCH as a lie or someone feeling bad for you. so, there is no fuckin happy meaduim with any of this shit.
im tempted to just say fuck it with brett and pretend im not hurting and forgive him and all that jaz... but thats what he wants me and erin to do. thats HALF the problem! DAMNIT!
((the reason i wrote all this a public entry .... is so tht brett comes across it and sees what i feel....THE HONEST TO GAWD TRUTH))...maybe it will make him hurt just like me?
...paybacks a bitch but, its what has to be done to make someone see... another aspect. *sighs* i hate being a bitch.
...nothing in this world is ever nice anymore. NOTHING!
...on another note... i finally talked to baily for wat seemed like for fuckin EVER. i miss talkin to him and Mitch :(
....as for sean, i still like him. a lot. he just lives far away. ...he loves amber again i beleive. i asked him about his profile again today and well, he signed off. i know he didnt block me though. ((i hope :()) but, still... i wish he coulda answered me though.
....*thinks in head* i think theres someone out there whose... lovin me and i think i know just WHO it is... but, one problem... im not sure if i feel the same maybe? ah, fuck whooooo knows.
Kevin told me he saw something really awesome in me today. it made me feel special. but still, a complement from a guy whose heart is for someone else... means little to nothing to me anymore. ...the jealous erika comes out i guess you can say.
ah oh well, i think im going to go now. <33 love you guys.
***I MISS KYLE*** .....i havent talked to him in a looong while sadly. :( he HATES me ...maybe its for the best? *sigh* im so confused!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
to name a few....
1.nervousness
2.excitedness
3.extreme happyness
4.sadness
5.hurtfulness
6.depressedness
7.tiredness :(
....grrr i hate being all those emotions at once.
anyways.. about my day.
i went to CVCC today. i had a blast. there are 2 hotties looking to get into media tech with me w00t!
...ugh, on a more emotional and sad note.... boys really make me angry a lot of the time.
the people i care about. care for ppl tht hurt them. ((i guess maybe they hurt them because the love em so much that when they say something the wrong way it hurts?)) i dont know anymore what i want. but... i gotta remember... nobodys perfect.
on tht note: i should have NEVER told Brett I like him ((should of listened to Erin...sorry Erin :())
.....he thinks im mad at him.and he tells me im tryin to make him fell guilty... and tht its working. well, he does the SAME DAMN THING!!! i'll explain about that tomrro sometime.... since i have a convo that will PROVE that he does what I do... what someone else does! ARGH!
Brett and I r so much alike. We want people to understand us for who we are...at the same time we want a "perfect" (im only usin tht word because i dont kno any other word tht could mean anything differently so, sorry) someone... who wont hurt us.... then again, we dont want to hurt anyone in the same repect. ((meaning if they like you and you dont like them like that))
heres where im different. i give in to other people too easily. i never stand by my word. always convinced another way. ((meaning if a guy says he likes me n he wants to date, i always say yes))...why? Im not sure... maybe because im always the one REJECTED and I KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE so... i TRY TO AVOID OUTTIN THEM IN PAIN like tht.... but end up doing it anyway. why? because... i juss get sick of them or "there not what i want".... then, thats where i become just like Brett. GAWD GRRR!
he juss makes a special seat in my heart for himself.. and expects me to like, not fall for him? wtf. he wants to help you out so much. be like a best friend and all... and then, you devlop a great feeling that it could be more. you try to talk to him about it and he juss kicks you in the ass with the honest to gawd truth. that hurts.....just about as MUCH as a lie or someone feeling bad for you. so, there is no fuckin happy meaduim with any of this shit.
im tempted to just say fuck it with brett and pretend im not hurting and forgive him and all that jaz... but thats what he wants me and erin to do. thats HALF the problem! DAMNIT!
((the reason i wrote all this a public entry .... is so tht brett comes across it and sees what i feel....THE HONEST TO GAWD TRUTH))...maybe it will make him hurt just like me?
...paybacks a bitch but, its what has to be done to make someone see... another aspect. *sighs* i hate being a bitch.
...nothing in this world is ever nice anymore. NOTHING!
...on another note... i finally talked to baily for wat seemed like for fuckin EVER. i miss talkin to him and Mitch :(
....as for sean, i still like him. a lot. he just lives far away. ...he loves amber again i beleive. i asked him about his profile again today and well, he signed off. i know he didnt block me though. ((i hope :()) but, still... i wish he coulda answered me though.
....*thinks in head* i think theres someone out there whose... lovin me and i think i know just WHO it is... but, one problem... im not sure if i feel the same maybe? ah, fuck whooooo knows.
Kevin told me he saw something really awesome in me today. it made me feel special. but still, a complement from a guy whose heart is for someone else... means little to nothing to me anymore. ...the jealous erika comes out i guess you can say.
ah oh well, i think im going to go now. <33 love you guys.
***I MISS KYLE*** .....i havent talked to him in a looong while sadly. :( he HATES me ...maybe its for the best? *sigh* im so confused!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!