how I feel...
I
can't tell people how I feel.. I express my feelings through poetry and
show the people who need to know how I feel.. there's this guy who I
like but who I can never be with.. so I write poetry about him.. he's
been my motivation.. the best motivation I've had in a long time now..
but I can't let him see the poetry I've written about him.. he knows
how I felt in toward the begining.. but now my feelings grew stronger
and there's more detail.. these feelings are too strong to hide and he
needs to know.. but I'm afraid he doesn't feel the same way back
because I was told he did feel the same before.. I am so confused.. I
just think to myself.. why do I have to like him of all people? why
now? why do I have to like someone this strongly when I already have a
bf and in an awsome relationship? I feel I would do anything for this
guy.. I just want to be with him.. hold him.. have him by my side
everynight.. lately I have been depressed and whenever he is around or
even if he just calls.. a smile is put on my face.. I love his
personality.. his style.. his body.. just everything..! The things I'm
going through right now is tearing me apart.. I smashed my hand through
glass 2/27 and the cuts are so close to my veins.. sometimes I wish
that it hit my veins and I bled to death just so I wouldn't have to
feel this way and make a decision.. when I try to tell someone my
feelings.. they don't come out right.. either that or I just give up on
telling them until I find out what I'm going to say.. I've tried
telling this guy how I feel and I'd have questions to ask him.. but
whenever I see him my heart skips a beat and my mind goes blank.. when
he isn't around I day dream about him.. and when I'm sleeping I dream
about him.. when I'm with him I feel special and like I'm the only
one.. and safe and protected from this big world and everybody in it..
people tell me I like him more then my bf.. I'm starting to believe it
too.. but there is this thought.. I love my bf.. I can't stand to hurt
him.. I hate seeing him upset.. makes my upset aswell.. but I can't
seem to stop thinking about the other guy.. I'm going to take a break
with my boyfriend and figure out my feelings because if I go on like
this I'm going to either hurt/kill myself or someone else and we don't
want that.. I wish I knew why I have to feel this way.. since I feel
this way.. I feel lonely inside because the people who should know how
I feel don't know or understand the whole situation.. I'm afraid if
that one or both of them will leave me and I don't think I'd be able to
handle that.. I hate having a secret love.. *s0 c0nfused* :(