just give up and kill yourself... no, not really.
so today was probably one of the worst days of my life.
my marketing teacher thinks i am on drugs because i don't make good grades on his unnanounced and/or really hard quizzes. i have tried my best for so long to live up to other peoples expectations and i really just need to sit down and fend for myself. when my sisters starting acting ridiculous towards my mother and she told me of how she just wanted to give up, i never really felt her pain. of course she had always given everything into making every situation work and she had always bent over backwards for everyone and never took time for herself, but i never realized until now what she really put herself through.
part of my problem is that i really don't take time to be with myself and get to know myself. i am always worried about deadlines and duedates and i have never had a blaze` attitude when it came to school work. i am a true hardworker and perfectionist at nature. i honestly can't help it. i came home from school today and was so emotionally drained that i really just decided to sit and talk with my mom.
she told me about when i was little how i used to sit all of my stuffed animals in my crib and line them up perfectly next to each other. she said she would pick one up and attempt to play with me, but i would always resist, taking the animal, placing it back perfectly, and then whining if she did it again. i know i sounded like a spoiled brat, but i really wasn't. i just always knew what i wanted. i wasted so much of my childhood caring about what other people thought.
once i got to middle school, i didn't care so much... and i still really don't care. i have enough loyal friends to stand beside me during hard times. i don't need anyone outside of my comfort zone telling me how to live my life and what i need to do to fix myself. this all seems so lame now, writing it down... but the truth is i still feel the same way. i am sick of being there for everyone and not taking time for myself.
i don't call it selfishness... its just something thats necessary .