Speak...Love Straight From Your Heart
What do you do if your mother finds a condom in your wallet? If you're me, you first demand to know what she was doing going through your wallet anyway (which I think is quiet a valid point- her answer, she wanted to know how much money I had, which I still think is a total invasion of privacy) and then you quickly blame it on your slutty friend, Holly. The old "she told me to hold it for her" thing. If you're my mother, you then tell my father and tell him to talk to me about it. If you're me, you start blushing like crazy and swearing you're not having sex. Which is true. I was incredibly insulted that he asked, "Are you having sex with anyone?" Implying I'd be with anyone but Freddy? My indignant squeak of "I haven't even kissed him yet!" seemed to calm him. They've let it drop but, wow, it's not something I'd want to go through again… problem is, if I ever wanted to have sex with anyone (a.k.a. Freddy) and not saying I do, but let's just say I did- I have no protection. And I doubt he would. So, literally, I'm screwed. I guess it's not something I have to worry about now… damn, how stupid am I? Wallet? Not a safe hiding place. Not that anywhere is with my mother around.
Can you tell I'm really pissed at her? And not just because of this. All day, all weekend really, she's been a total bitch. Today she actually started crying and said she felt like a failure as a parent because I had a condom in my wallet! What the hell? She'd been slamming every door in the house all morning so I asked her what was wrong and she was all like, "Like you actually care!" Believe me, if I didn't care, I wouldn't have asked! Tomorrow morning can't come soon enough, I need to get away from her.
Yesterday kind of sucked, too- I think this is the weekend for parents finding things they shouldn’t. This time I left an unfinished poem in the bathroom. It was just random thoughts I had in the shower- "my problem is i take life too seriously, one extreme to another (bipolar in your bed) all my lovers are loves, all my deaths murders (unless it was finally suicide)" I can only imagine how bad it looked- it wasn't actually about me, though. Just random thoughts! I'm not killing myself. I don't know where the bipolar in your bed line came from. I like it, though. But, being parents, now they're worried. I'm going insane!
Other than that I was actually in a good mood… Hedley concert was amazing. Jacob was shirtless the whole time and that boy has the most beautiful chest ever. I actually said to him when he was signing an autograph, "The show was great but I was disappointed you kept your pants on." He said I was too young to be making comments like that! Then he asked for a sip of my pop! I kept the can, haha. Can’t wait to see them again! (There was this high guy in the crowd that kept asking me to untie the halter top of the girl in front of me. I was thoroughly tempted!)
Freddy's tournament was pretty good, too. Unfortunately my father came and kept asking annoying questions and giving me death glares when Freddy had his arm around me, but it was fun to watch the little kids fight. Freddy only had one fight and his opponent hit him in the face (which isn't allowed for anyone under black belt- and he's a yellow stripe) and I was actually clenching my fists I was so mad. If Freddy hadn't held me back, I swear I would have knocked the guy out. I'm a bit possessive, hah. Freddy didn't win, of course (there's no one in his weight category so he has to take on people bigger than him- problem is he has no power, so the only way he gets anywhere is with his speed- he is pretty fast, though) but that didn't matter to me. Probably matter to him, that's why I gave him extra tight hugs even though it was making my father mad.
I'm getting very sick of my parents. And school- specifically math (still struggling, had to do the test after all because he decided it wasn't optional, so of course I hadn't studied because he told us the day of! I think I might have passed, but I got a 22% on the other test…) and science (just annoyed at it and only moments ago realized I haven't done the homework but I did skip last class- there was a sub and we weren't doing anything so I decided stupidly that there was no point- so maybe I can use that excuse) and the fact that I have to walk (no more taxis- last one barely spoke English, had no idea where anything was and had to have me direct him- "Which way, which way? Make me easy!" That was almost worth it because it was so funny, though- and plus he had no change so we got a free ride!). Also mad that I'm paranoid and constantly thinking Freddy is going to break up with me. Thank goodness Donald isn't a problem anymore- he was acting like himself Friday and was even joking around with Freddy about not doing anything with me until I was sixteen. Which Freddy, being the wonderfully decent boy he is, said of course he wasn't going to touch me until then. I sweetly asked him if I was allowed to touch him, only to make him blush.
Seriously, though. I feel (again) like I'm losing my mind. Maybe it's just because I'm having a bad day- I think I've burst into tears three or four times for no reason. Well, there are reasons. They just seem stupid once I think about them. I mean, what are my problems?
1) Parents being nosy and bitchy
2) Ankle hurts
3) Failing math, slacking in science
4) Boyfriend trust issues, apparently
That's it. The first one is a problem for almost every teenager. The second should be gone in a week or so. The forth is illogical, and the third is sensible but not something really worth losing sleep over. I'm pretty sure I'll do okay in the end.
So what's wrong with me? PMS? Nope. Tired? Well, yeah, but not anymore than usual. So what is it?! I'm actually feeling like I want to just scream for hours or better yet run away. If only I had anywhere to run to, I'd be gone. Sure, that wouldn't help anything, but I'm not feeling very logical. I just feel like sobbing on Freddy's shoulder, but I won't let myself break like that.
I can't even listen to music right now. Every Fall Out Boy song is making me tear up. Which is even stupider than crying over math. I'm going to go get my sheets out of the laundry and go to bed. Where I'll just lay there thinking and possibly cry myself to sleep because I'm just that emo. And then I'll get mad at myself because there's really nothing to cry over. But I can't help but wonder- if there's nothing to cry about, why am I crying? I wish I was PMSing. Then at least I wouldn't feel so pathetic.
Can you tell I'm really pissed at her? And not just because of this. All day, all weekend really, she's been a total bitch. Today she actually started crying and said she felt like a failure as a parent because I had a condom in my wallet! What the hell? She'd been slamming every door in the house all morning so I asked her what was wrong and she was all like, "Like you actually care!" Believe me, if I didn't care, I wouldn't have asked! Tomorrow morning can't come soon enough, I need to get away from her.
Yesterday kind of sucked, too- I think this is the weekend for parents finding things they shouldn’t. This time I left an unfinished poem in the bathroom. It was just random thoughts I had in the shower- "my problem is i take life too seriously, one extreme to another (bipolar in your bed) all my lovers are loves, all my deaths murders (unless it was finally suicide)" I can only imagine how bad it looked- it wasn't actually about me, though. Just random thoughts! I'm not killing myself. I don't know where the bipolar in your bed line came from. I like it, though. But, being parents, now they're worried. I'm going insane!
Other than that I was actually in a good mood… Hedley concert was amazing. Jacob was shirtless the whole time and that boy has the most beautiful chest ever. I actually said to him when he was signing an autograph, "The show was great but I was disappointed you kept your pants on." He said I was too young to be making comments like that! Then he asked for a sip of my pop! I kept the can, haha. Can’t wait to see them again! (There was this high guy in the crowd that kept asking me to untie the halter top of the girl in front of me. I was thoroughly tempted!)
Freddy's tournament was pretty good, too. Unfortunately my father came and kept asking annoying questions and giving me death glares when Freddy had his arm around me, but it was fun to watch the little kids fight. Freddy only had one fight and his opponent hit him in the face (which isn't allowed for anyone under black belt- and he's a yellow stripe) and I was actually clenching my fists I was so mad. If Freddy hadn't held me back, I swear I would have knocked the guy out. I'm a bit possessive, hah. Freddy didn't win, of course (there's no one in his weight category so he has to take on people bigger than him- problem is he has no power, so the only way he gets anywhere is with his speed- he is pretty fast, though) but that didn't matter to me. Probably matter to him, that's why I gave him extra tight hugs even though it was making my father mad.
I'm getting very sick of my parents. And school- specifically math (still struggling, had to do the test after all because he decided it wasn't optional, so of course I hadn't studied because he told us the day of! I think I might have passed, but I got a 22% on the other test…) and science (just annoyed at it and only moments ago realized I haven't done the homework but I did skip last class- there was a sub and we weren't doing anything so I decided stupidly that there was no point- so maybe I can use that excuse) and the fact that I have to walk (no more taxis- last one barely spoke English, had no idea where anything was and had to have me direct him- "Which way, which way? Make me easy!" That was almost worth it because it was so funny, though- and plus he had no change so we got a free ride!). Also mad that I'm paranoid and constantly thinking Freddy is going to break up with me. Thank goodness Donald isn't a problem anymore- he was acting like himself Friday and was even joking around with Freddy about not doing anything with me until I was sixteen. Which Freddy, being the wonderfully decent boy he is, said of course he wasn't going to touch me until then. I sweetly asked him if I was allowed to touch him, only to make him blush.
Seriously, though. I feel (again) like I'm losing my mind. Maybe it's just because I'm having a bad day- I think I've burst into tears three or four times for no reason. Well, there are reasons. They just seem stupid once I think about them. I mean, what are my problems?
1) Parents being nosy and bitchy
2) Ankle hurts
3) Failing math, slacking in science
4) Boyfriend trust issues, apparently
That's it. The first one is a problem for almost every teenager. The second should be gone in a week or so. The forth is illogical, and the third is sensible but not something really worth losing sleep over. I'm pretty sure I'll do okay in the end.
So what's wrong with me? PMS? Nope. Tired? Well, yeah, but not anymore than usual. So what is it?! I'm actually feeling like I want to just scream for hours or better yet run away. If only I had anywhere to run to, I'd be gone. Sure, that wouldn't help anything, but I'm not feeling very logical. I just feel like sobbing on Freddy's shoulder, but I won't let myself break like that.
I can't even listen to music right now. Every Fall Out Boy song is making me tear up. Which is even stupider than crying over math. I'm going to go get my sheets out of the laundry and go to bed. Where I'll just lay there thinking and possibly cry myself to sleep because I'm just that emo. And then I'll get mad at myself because there's really nothing to cry over. But I can't help but wonder- if there's nothing to cry about, why am I crying? I wish I was PMSing. Then at least I wouldn't feel so pathetic.