(no subject)
I leave on the 13th for Indianapolis for GenCon. I will be home at some point on the 18th. Yay for me. It's going to be me, Corey, Alana, Charlie, Liz and John. 3 girls, 3 boys. Lovely. Also, since Alana and I are the only ones whose cell phones do not roam...everyone else has Alltel with roaming costing a buttload, I will HAVE to take my phone. I wanted to leave it here. I will put AIM on AIM Mobile, I guess. I dunno. We got a cabin, so that's cool...it has electricity and A/C. W00t! I am kinda excited, but nervous all at the same time. It's just how I am.
So, I found out my mother lied to me. (and to think, I thought she was perfect all this time. Ha!) She told me I started therapy/counseling when I was 5 in PA. But...I started seeing my first therapist when I was 3 in MI because of my anger. Haha. Also, my psychologist/psychiatrist have diagnosed me with two different things. Karen (psychologist) says I have Bipolar Disorder. Dr. Goudaconda (psychiatrist) says I have Borderline Personality Disorder. The psychiatrist would be the one to put me on meds, but there are NO meds that work for Borderline. He says if he were to put me on anything it would be Topomax. The thing is, I've been on that before...for mood stabilization, for 60 days. Nothing happened.
Honestly? I feel like I don't have a chemical imbalance, so medications aren't going to work anyway. I feel like I make all of my own decisions and that I am fucking everything up. I don't know. Bipolar or Borderline are pretty big labels for either of them to be just putting on people though. I trust Karen more than my psychiatrist because I only see him once every 2 months. I don't know. I feel so...awful right now about myself.
*sigh* I hate crying. And then two seconds later being fine. And then being completely pissed off. And then giggling.
All in like 15 minutes. It finally became too much for me, and I went into counseling on my own. I just can't keep thinking about wanting to kill myself everytime I get into a car. It's TOO FUCKING MUCH for one person. And if ONE MORE PERSON says my mood swings are too much for THEM...I am going to flip out. If people on the outside can't handle them, how am I supposed to?!?!?!?!?!
I feel jumbled, mixed-up and confused.
So, I found out my mother lied to me. (and to think, I thought she was perfect all this time. Ha!) She told me I started therapy/counseling when I was 5 in PA. But...I started seeing my first therapist when I was 3 in MI because of my anger. Haha. Also, my psychologist/psychiatrist have diagnosed me with two different things. Karen (psychologist) says I have Bipolar Disorder. Dr. Goudaconda (psychiatrist) says I have Borderline Personality Disorder. The psychiatrist would be the one to put me on meds, but there are NO meds that work for Borderline. He says if he were to put me on anything it would be Topomax. The thing is, I've been on that before...for mood stabilization, for 60 days. Nothing happened.
Honestly? I feel like I don't have a chemical imbalance, so medications aren't going to work anyway. I feel like I make all of my own decisions and that I am fucking everything up. I don't know. Bipolar or Borderline are pretty big labels for either of them to be just putting on people though. I trust Karen more than my psychiatrist because I only see him once every 2 months. I don't know. I feel so...awful right now about myself.
*sigh* I hate crying. And then two seconds later being fine. And then being completely pissed off. And then giggling.
All in like 15 minutes. It finally became too much for me, and I went into counseling on my own. I just can't keep thinking about wanting to kill myself everytime I get into a car. It's TOO FUCKING MUCH for one person. And if ONE MORE PERSON says my mood swings are too much for THEM...I am going to flip out. If people on the outside can't handle them, how am I supposed to?!?!?!?!?!
I feel jumbled, mixed-up and confused.