taking life one day at a time...
On Halloween [well, it was more like November 1st because it was after midnight] I went to a cemetary. I went with Rachel, Ben, Joanna and Mary Rose. The first one we went to was this cemetary in Troy, the third largest in the country and supposedly the most haunted. We were walking down this path that was enclosed by trees and it was pitch black and between the five of us, we had just one dim flash light, yes, the making to a very bad horror flick. I can't lie, I was nervous/freaked out. Ben was afraid of being mugged, as we were in Troy and could barely see a thing [he experienced a tragic mugging when he was younger]. So, we left that cemetary and went to one on Western Ave, instead. I was having a lot of fun just goofing off and making jokes [not necessarily about the graveyard or the people resting in it] and we were taking morbid pictures, holding hands above the gravestones. Mary Rose was pissed at us, telling us we weren't respecting the dead and how if you do respect them, they will leave you alone.. otherwise.. whoo ghost stories! haha but anyway after we came back from the cemetary, she posted an away message about how her friends were disgustingly immature and disrespected the dead and how we needed to grow up, then she called us morons. Yeah. She put the word 'friend' in the same message as 'moron.' Well, here's a shocker, we're not friends anymore. I would never call somebody I considered to be my friend a moron, no matter how frustrated I was with them.
Last night, Alicia and I had a falling out. She finally confronted me, which I suppose I knew was going to happen sooner or later. The way it happened was obnoxious, though. It was maybe one in the morning and I was out in the common room talking to Rachel and Joanna and we weren't being loud persay, just normal voices. Alicia comes out with this look of murder on her face and she just starts unloading on Rachel and I about how this was 5 nights in a row that she hasn't been able to sleep and she's just pissed off, and I'm thinking about how last year they [Alicia and Shery] used to have people over until late and they used to be loud and keeping me up, but I never freaked out on them. Possibly because I'm laid back, or because in the scheme of things, I realize that a few nights of not being able to sleep for a while is not the end of the world. [not to mention how many mornings she or Shery has woken myself up, or Rachel, or my roommate last year, blasting their music in the mornings. If you want to complain about being woken up at night, you have to accept that being woken up in the morning while you are still trying to sleep is just as bad as being woken up at night]
Rachel didn't speak up at all, which kind of disappointed me, I felt like I was waging this battle all on my own. So I said something. Alicia had said that we could go in our room to talk, but Rachel was on her computer which is in the common room, so obviously not. I said that to Alicia and she turned all her anger to me. Suddenly, what started out as Alicia came out to yell at us about being "loud," turned into Alicia lashing out on me about pulling away from her. In front of Rachel and Joanna. It fucking pissed me off that if she really wanted to talk to me about that, she didn't have the decency to do it privately, she felt the need to air it in front of an audience. Yes, Alicia, way to try and make me look like a bad person.
I told her the truth. I know it hurt her but I didn't say anything to purposely hurt her more than I knew it did to explain why I didn't want to be her friend. She sat there saying hurtful comment after hurtful comment to try to slice through me and tear me to shreds, and she did, it worked. But, I know this is better in the long run. She made me feel like the scum of the earth, but I know that feeling will pass. She told me that I had my head stuck up my ass and that I was selfish. Why am I selfish? Because I can't deal with her psychotic neurosis anymore. Last year, I spent so much of my energy trying to make both her and Tim happy, never trying to make myself happy. I was depressed. I tried so hard and failed at making either of them happy. It was a very negative, unhealthy situation. Over the summer, while I was away in Maine, I realized this, along with several other epiphanies I had. People in my life have always told me that I have to make myself happy, worry about myself and I never listened to them, always putting everyone else's happiness before mine. For the first time this summer, I started doing that and since, I have become happier than I can ever remember being in my life. I told her this and she called me selfish. You tell me who's the selfish one, here. Believe me, I know what it feels like to lose a friend, but she'll get over it. I did. I can't go back to depression. Two years was more than enough. I'm sorry that I had to hurt her to keep my happiness, I really, truly am, but if you've ever been depressed and gotten up from it, you know how precious of a commodity happiness is and just how far you'd go to save that feeling.
I talked to my mom about it and she said her psychiatrist told her when you are of sound mind and a level head, you will find more people like that. Maybe that is what I'm doing, finding happy people that I don't have to make happy so that I can worry about my own happiness. I certainly have dropped [for the most part] my anti-social veils. From time to time I still find myself having a minor social anxiety attack, but less and less. I have so many friends now, where as last year, I had Tim and just two girls that I lived with. That was unhealthy. I love doing things with my friends. It's just so great to know that there are so many people out there that I connect with now. I also don't need to be friends with people who remind me of my step-father, that is, people who are like dictators. I am the only person responsible for my life. I control my own destiny, as it were. This is certainly going to make the rest of the semester quite uncomfortable in my suite, but I'm not going to worry about that. I'm pretty good at keeping to myself. It's probably one of my best skills, to be honest.
Anyway. I guess that's two friends in two days. I'm going for broke, here. I wonder who will be next? :\
Last night, Alicia and I had a falling out. She finally confronted me, which I suppose I knew was going to happen sooner or later. The way it happened was obnoxious, though. It was maybe one in the morning and I was out in the common room talking to Rachel and Joanna and we weren't being loud persay, just normal voices. Alicia comes out with this look of murder on her face and she just starts unloading on Rachel and I about how this was 5 nights in a row that she hasn't been able to sleep and she's just pissed off, and I'm thinking about how last year they [Alicia and Shery] used to have people over until late and they used to be loud and keeping me up, but I never freaked out on them. Possibly because I'm laid back, or because in the scheme of things, I realize that a few nights of not being able to sleep for a while is not the end of the world. [not to mention how many mornings she or Shery has woken myself up, or Rachel, or my roommate last year, blasting their music in the mornings. If you want to complain about being woken up at night, you have to accept that being woken up in the morning while you are still trying to sleep is just as bad as being woken up at night]
Rachel didn't speak up at all, which kind of disappointed me, I felt like I was waging this battle all on my own. So I said something. Alicia had said that we could go in our room to talk, but Rachel was on her computer which is in the common room, so obviously not. I said that to Alicia and she turned all her anger to me. Suddenly, what started out as Alicia came out to yell at us about being "loud," turned into Alicia lashing out on me about pulling away from her. In front of Rachel and Joanna. It fucking pissed me off that if she really wanted to talk to me about that, she didn't have the decency to do it privately, she felt the need to air it in front of an audience. Yes, Alicia, way to try and make me look like a bad person.
I told her the truth. I know it hurt her but I didn't say anything to purposely hurt her more than I knew it did to explain why I didn't want to be her friend. She sat there saying hurtful comment after hurtful comment to try to slice through me and tear me to shreds, and she did, it worked. But, I know this is better in the long run. She made me feel like the scum of the earth, but I know that feeling will pass. She told me that I had my head stuck up my ass and that I was selfish. Why am I selfish? Because I can't deal with her psychotic neurosis anymore. Last year, I spent so much of my energy trying to make both her and Tim happy, never trying to make myself happy. I was depressed. I tried so hard and failed at making either of them happy. It was a very negative, unhealthy situation. Over the summer, while I was away in Maine, I realized this, along with several other epiphanies I had. People in my life have always told me that I have to make myself happy, worry about myself and I never listened to them, always putting everyone else's happiness before mine. For the first time this summer, I started doing that and since, I have become happier than I can ever remember being in my life. I told her this and she called me selfish. You tell me who's the selfish one, here. Believe me, I know what it feels like to lose a friend, but she'll get over it. I did. I can't go back to depression. Two years was more than enough. I'm sorry that I had to hurt her to keep my happiness, I really, truly am, but if you've ever been depressed and gotten up from it, you know how precious of a commodity happiness is and just how far you'd go to save that feeling.
I talked to my mom about it and she said her psychiatrist told her when you are of sound mind and a level head, you will find more people like that. Maybe that is what I'm doing, finding happy people that I don't have to make happy so that I can worry about my own happiness. I certainly have dropped [for the most part] my anti-social veils. From time to time I still find myself having a minor social anxiety attack, but less and less. I have so many friends now, where as last year, I had Tim and just two girls that I lived with. That was unhealthy. I love doing things with my friends. It's just so great to know that there are so many people out there that I connect with now. I also don't need to be friends with people who remind me of my step-father, that is, people who are like dictators. I am the only person responsible for my life. I control my own destiny, as it were. This is certainly going to make the rest of the semester quite uncomfortable in my suite, but I'm not going to worry about that. I'm pretty good at keeping to myself. It's probably one of my best skills, to be honest.
Anyway. I guess that's two friends in two days. I'm going for broke, here. I wonder who will be next? :\