I was waiting for my hearse, what came next was so much worse...
Addiction: A chronic relapsing condition characterized by compulsive drug-seeking and abuse and by long-lasting chemical changes in the brain. Addiction is the same irrespective of whether the drug is alcohol, amphetamines, cocaine, heroin, marijuana, or nicotine. Every addictive substance induces pleasant states or relieves distress. Continued use of the addictive substance induces adaptive changes in the brain that lead to tolerance, physical dependence, uncontrollable craving and, all too often, relapse. Dependence is at such a point that stopping is very difficult and causes severe physical and mental reactions from withdrawal.
Addiction: When you can give up something any time, as long as it's next Tuesday.
So, anybody that has read my jounral over the years that I've had it have read about my struggles with many types of addictions and how it's quite hard to stay clean. But, I was clean. Keyword: Was. I'm not clean anymore, and I've struggled with admitting that fact to not only my journal, but to myself. I just wanted to deny the fact that I failed miserably at trying to lead a normal life so I wouldn't have to beat myself up anymore than I already did. But, I've let that go.
At the moment, I'm on valium and pain killers, sometimes alcohol. Why am I admitting this when I know I'll most likely get some serious bitching from people? Because I want to teach a lesson. It doesn't fucking matter how glamourous something looks or how fun it may seem. It fucking sucks and it doesn't make a Goddamn bit of difference what drug it is, it's all the same. I really don't know what's keeping me from going and getting a bag of coke right now (since I obviously know where to get it), and snorting the shit out of it. I'd be away from all my problems, my insecurities, my saddness, my loneliness...come to think of it, there really isn't much.
Now, people who have never done drugs, or dealt with a person on drugs may think that it'd be great to escape your problems, to not have to feel any emotions whatsoever except happiness. Okay, let's go with that. You go completely numb after shooting some coke or heroin, you forget about your feelings, your problems, your mind is erased. Awesome, that kicks ass. Then, the high wears off. Now what? More coke! And it turns into this cycle of, "Oh, if I just take this, then everything will be all better." Uh, no. Eventually, the coke runs out, as well as every other drug in the world. It all runs out, then you're left to face these issues you were running from the entire time, except they're 100 times worse than before. Then, guess what? You'll go through your entire life always wanting that high back and never being able to properly face your problems. I don't care what treatment you get, what therapy you get, none of that shit helps. Sure, it's nice to get things out of your system, but in the long run you will always, ALWAYS be an addict.
Which is what I am. I'm a fucking addict and I always will be an addict up until the day I die. It's who I am, I'll never be better. The only thing that could change is the day that I actually die, be it natural or from an overdose. I will never EVER be normal, I will never EVER be completely happy without a drug to do it for me, and I will never EVER not be an addict. It sucks and I'll hate myself for the rest of my life for doing the shit I did to make me this way. But, I did it and I have to live with it for the rest of my life.
So, to all of you drug-virgins, keep this in mind: I was clean for seven months in the past five years. I thought I was clean for two of those years. Turns out, it was just my mind messing with me. The joke's on me, I guess.
Neurotically Yours,
Play Dead
Addiction: When you can give up something any time, as long as it's next Tuesday.
So, anybody that has read my jounral over the years that I've had it have read about my struggles with many types of addictions and how it's quite hard to stay clean. But, I was clean. Keyword: Was. I'm not clean anymore, and I've struggled with admitting that fact to not only my journal, but to myself. I just wanted to deny the fact that I failed miserably at trying to lead a normal life so I wouldn't have to beat myself up anymore than I already did. But, I've let that go.
At the moment, I'm on valium and pain killers, sometimes alcohol. Why am I admitting this when I know I'll most likely get some serious bitching from people? Because I want to teach a lesson. It doesn't fucking matter how glamourous something looks or how fun it may seem. It fucking sucks and it doesn't make a Goddamn bit of difference what drug it is, it's all the same. I really don't know what's keeping me from going and getting a bag of coke right now (since I obviously know where to get it), and snorting the shit out of it. I'd be away from all my problems, my insecurities, my saddness, my loneliness...come to think of it, there really isn't much.
Now, people who have never done drugs, or dealt with a person on drugs may think that it'd be great to escape your problems, to not have to feel any emotions whatsoever except happiness. Okay, let's go with that. You go completely numb after shooting some coke or heroin, you forget about your feelings, your problems, your mind is erased. Awesome, that kicks ass. Then, the high wears off. Now what? More coke! And it turns into this cycle of, "Oh, if I just take this, then everything will be all better." Uh, no. Eventually, the coke runs out, as well as every other drug in the world. It all runs out, then you're left to face these issues you were running from the entire time, except they're 100 times worse than before. Then, guess what? You'll go through your entire life always wanting that high back and never being able to properly face your problems. I don't care what treatment you get, what therapy you get, none of that shit helps. Sure, it's nice to get things out of your system, but in the long run you will always, ALWAYS be an addict.
Which is what I am. I'm a fucking addict and I always will be an addict up until the day I die. It's who I am, I'll never be better. The only thing that could change is the day that I actually die, be it natural or from an overdose. I will never EVER be normal, I will never EVER be completely happy without a drug to do it for me, and I will never EVER not be an addict. It sucks and I'll hate myself for the rest of my life for doing the shit I did to make me this way. But, I did it and I have to live with it for the rest of my life.
So, to all of you drug-virgins, keep this in mind: I was clean for seven months in the past five years. I thought I was clean for two of those years. Turns out, it was just my mind messing with me. The joke's on me, I guess.
Neurotically Yours,
Play Dead