god, i don't care what anybody says!
why do i keep eating?! i swear to fucking god, in this sweat & strangled rage, i barely fucking eat but a few pretzels & a bowl of soup a day is too much, it's all too much, a single piece of gum is too much because EVERYTHING HAS CALORIES! sugars, carbs, that SATURATED FAT that we all know & HATE; everything i do is wrong! it's not enough to stop the hunger & it's too much to lose weight! yes, it's been going down, but it's slow, i need to STOP eating, just stop it, & ignore the hunger! it's going to be there regardless of whether i consume a little or nothing at all, so why do i? it won't make a difference to my empty stomach but it will make a difference on the scale; why am i not capable of doing this??? if i did it before, why do i give in again? i do not care to sustain this life, i do not care if i faint in class or if i can't stand up without the blinding light of my head spinning, i don't care what nightmares may come because nothing is as bad as not being good enough for YOURSELF, fuck it all! yes, i was 177 three months ago, i was 144 three days ago, & i am 141 today; yes that's drastic & incredible but i can't help thinking "i'd be 130 now if i didn't eat this month." the best thing pot ever did for me was give me a choice: smoke up or eat my quarter-meal of the day; i always chose the pot because it distracted me, i forgot to eat, i lost the weight. the only thing worse now is to sit in this empty house AGAIN & not have anything better to do, to gorge myself on the contents of my refrigerator, feel nauseated & have nightmares but be too scared to throw it back up because i haven't been able to throw up in nine years(!TRUTH!) & i'm incapable now! WHY DO I TORMENT MYSELF LIKE THIS when i know the easy ways out & i've taken them before, but now it's nothing like it used to be, now there's no distraction, no option, just the cold kitchen, my cold hands. i do not want to be doing this, i do not want the guilt of eating, i prefer guilt from the consequences of my other option, to not eat, to feel my stomach beg, to ignore it. i do not want to live a life i regret, & i regret every day i choose to eat. YES I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TELL ME OR WORRY ABOUT ME! i eat, don't i? don't want to but i do it anyway! who'd rather see me regret myself every day i eat something, instead of seeing me happy & unhealthy? GUESS WHAT the health i once was told i had is gone, smoked out by cigarettes, rotted by drugs, & dying from the starvation i was once capable of...why am i doing this to myself when i know what i can do? if i quit drugs, if i quit fucking slitting my wrists, why can't i commit to abstaining from eating? why must i feel a million times more guilt & regret when i eat like a normal fucking person, than when i don't eat at all? why can't i allow myself the happiness, self-satisfaction, & pride in willpower that i get from not eating? i will reach my goal eventually but i will torture myself until then, i know i will. i know what i am doing wrong but i am powerless to stop it until the consequences stare blankly at me, in the form of rising numbers...then i will commit to this & finish the job, i will be what i want to be, i will make myself as close as i can get to being perfect. i will, i will.