a rainy night in georgia...
its like after you break a bone or get a shot of something to numb the pain...it doesnt quite feel the same anymore, or for a while anyway. that is kinda how i feel. still numb. to everything. i get in these slumps every once in a while. i feel like the world is spinning around me and i am stuck frozen in the middle with nothing to hold on to, nothing to hold me up. and i keep on falling down. there are only so many times you can pull yourself back up all alone. but i figure i am good at that so i have a few left. i am sitting here trying to figure out what i feel. or how i feel i guess. so many things have changed recently it scares me. ive lost friends gained incredible new ones and kind of rekindled one. i think that in the end i am scared of being alone. that is what makes me hold on so tight to what i have. i am afraid if i let something go i will never see it again. and ill be empty. my dream right now is to have a home where i feel safe. where i can not be scared that people will leave me. not be scared that i am not wanted. that i also the fear that i hold on to so tight is that the people that i love the most in the world dont want me around. and i think i only have one or two people i actually have no fear that they are like that. my friends are my complete family i dont have anything else. sometimes i wish so badly that i could pick up and move and start over. not telling anyone i would just be gone one day. and then i wonder what the people i left behind would think. i think that i think too much and over anaylizing is what i am best at. i wish i could have some drug to make me stop thinking. why cant an action just be an action...have no hidden meaning no underlying cause. i dont know anymore. all i know is myself. except i have no idea where to turn now. everything i was, everything i had and everything i believed in for the past 20 years has slowly faded and now all i am left with is confusion. begging for some hope for some meaning. i am supposed to be in class right now but i skipped it. my motivation flew out the window this morning along with my heart. i wish i could be stone cold to those around me. sometimes i give so much of myself without the need or the want for anything back...but other times id like a little here and there. jumping out on a limb for some people and waiting for them to jump with you is hard and very scarey. its like im out here with no net no rope and they are standing at the end with a saw...the choice is theirs and theirs alone they can either cut you loose and let you fall to the ground or jump with you. but waiting is horrible. i hate waiting. waiting for something to happen. feelings are lame i hate talking about feelings blah sorry. i am feeling everyhting and nothing at the same time. is that possible...? i am rambling like some kinda crazy person... oh well. crazy makes me more interesting right? i mean crazy in a good way.
i am so stressed lately my eye is twitching again...bah.
i wish i could call my mom up and say lets have lunch together. or hey i need to talk to you about something. or let her know anything and eveything about me b/c we are best friends. or call her when im having a problem. it makes me sad. i wish so many things for my family. i wish i could be close to my mom, i wish too many things for my father it would take like 20 pages, i wish wesley would stop drinking himself to death and i wish he would let me hug him without being a jerk about it, and i wish eric...well eric is doiing okay and we actually have a strange but good relationship. so for him i wish happiness for him because i know living with my father equals not being happy. and i wish zach would call me hes not technically family but hes close enough. i thought anyway. and i wish someone was here so i could have a big hug that i need right now. blah.
what a depressing entry...i suck. haha. but you know the drill...suck it up put a smile on and go about the day. i figure i can just laugh it all away. HAHAHAHAHA. "laughter is the best medicine" hahahaha.
anyway, time to take a shower. i have a bucket of paint in my hair i think. because SOME person put it there he usally goes by the name sean. haha. oh well i deserved it. he warned me. pffft
dadgum that was a long entry...sorry for whoever reads the entire thing...or thanks i guess for caring to read what i have to say. <3<3<3
-X
"you're beautiful..."
p.s. i miss laurenkelly
i am so stressed lately my eye is twitching again...bah.
i wish i could call my mom up and say lets have lunch together. or hey i need to talk to you about something. or let her know anything and eveything about me b/c we are best friends. or call her when im having a problem. it makes me sad. i wish so many things for my family. i wish i could be close to my mom, i wish too many things for my father it would take like 20 pages, i wish wesley would stop drinking himself to death and i wish he would let me hug him without being a jerk about it, and i wish eric...well eric is doiing okay and we actually have a strange but good relationship. so for him i wish happiness for him because i know living with my father equals not being happy. and i wish zach would call me hes not technically family but hes close enough. i thought anyway. and i wish someone was here so i could have a big hug that i need right now. blah.
what a depressing entry...i suck. haha. but you know the drill...suck it up put a smile on and go about the day. i figure i can just laugh it all away. HAHAHAHAHA. "laughter is the best medicine" hahahaha.
anyway, time to take a shower. i have a bucket of paint in my hair i think. because SOME person put it there he usally goes by the name sean. haha. oh well i deserved it. he warned me. pffft
dadgum that was a long entry...sorry for whoever reads the entire thing...or thanks i guess for caring to read what i have to say. <3<3<3
-X
"you're beautiful..."
p.s. i miss laurenkelly