Private Paul
I cant express the way I feel right now and Im not sure if I will ever understand why I feel so out of place right now.
I saw Paul today and I havent seen him in a year. Its sad to know how friends who are like family can disapear so rapidly and at the same time, re appear in a snap of a finger. I was at work and this afternoon I saw this guy walk in, I looked right at his face and broke down. I knew exactly who it was, but I didnt want to believe what I saw. I saw this young man, with this gash about 5 inches long on the side of his face. My first reaction was, it had to have been scars from him being in the army. I dont know if anyone can relate to this, but I felt trapped or didnt quite feel strong enough to go up to him and give him a great big hug and say HEY HOW ARE YOU???? I was scared, I didnt know what to think. I stook there frozen, wondering what my next move might be. My co- workers were telling me to go say hello to him, but I refused. ( Ive never felt so much fear in my life!) Finally he came up to me and said, "oh my god, you work here?" I said "yeah..."
I ended up giving him an exam at a discount. As I was examining him, I felt akward. I felt like I had just met him for the first time, but in all reality Ive known him since I was eight. I asked him how he was doing and there was really no response. he looked as if he was in shock, frightened of life that he was living... I dont know, its hard to explain how he was acting. Not Paul. He asked how Mom and I were doing... As I was screening him for Glauchoma, he was a little uncomfortable about the test- AFRAID- Jokingly and normally, I said "PAUL YOU'RE IN THE ARMY, A PUFF OF AIR ISNT GOING TO KILL YOU!!!" I placed my hands on the back of his head and I felt this incredible tingley feeling run from the time of my fingers only to end at my heart. I made him feel safe...comfortable...
As he was purchasing his glasses, I was working at my desk... Wasnt really wanting to pay attention to him and get off track from my duties... I didnt want him to think I was staring at him. Every time I looked his way, he was staring at me and not in a perverted, normal stare, but a deep sincere, passionate stare. The way he looked into my eyes, dead on, was undescribable. Everything about him was undescribable.
Im broken hearted. And not so much in a horrible way, but Im sad. Im sad for him, I miss him and I love him. Ive always loved him. My love has only grown more intensely for him. He means the world to me and it felt like my whole world fell apart today.
I dont know how I feel right now other that all that up there!!!^^^
I came home, drank a few drinks... and sat on my thoughts. Im still sitting on my thoughts, in shock of how I have reacted to this.
Its tearing me up inside and all I want to do right now, is be with him and just talk to him, comfort him in someway.
This is really killing me...