baby dont lie...
weve been walking down this road for some time...together...but there is just so many things turning...wheels grinding...behind these eyes...i feel like i have so much on my plate...so much deciding to do...and yet i just dont want to...i want like a specific path...but its not totally a bad thing to have so many pathways i can travel down towards my dreams...i just have to be ready to do the work...and right now im not motivated by anything...i have this problem thats only progressively gotten worse...i will get a wild hair to start something exciting...it lasts for about a day or two and then poof onto the next idea...its like i get turned off by the work involved and would rather hide under my bed sheets than tackle it...even if its something i know i not only want to do but should because ill be great at it...i guess maybe its more about the sun the moon the stars and the earth coming into perfect alignment for me...aka ducks in a row syndrome...i feel like everything has this precursor that i must tackle before i can solidly tackle the key objective...one of those is weight...
definitely feeling more confident would do me some good...but how can i say no to the only boyfriend i know?...food!...i should really...i go up and down with weight its a constant battle...but right now its like i dont really give a fuck...theres nothing to really motivate me to use the gym i pay for each month...or to actually go see my personal trainer...or hell use my knowledge of food and get my nutrition on...i just dont care at the moment...nothing motivates me right now except for these cravings...maybe ive displaced other emotions into eating...lack of companionship...lack of direction...lack of stability...lack of simplicity...etc...i will no sooner wake up with all these goals i set forth the night before laying on my pillow and wake up and be like "fuck that noise...lets eat"...i believe very strongly i have somewhat of an addiction to things...and i have displaced many of those traits into a food addiction...but i digress on this one...i just need to keep myself in that happy full on life bubble for more than a week...and get back to some sort of rhythm with it...
speaking of rhythm i need a set schedule...ive finally gotten my sleep schedule somewhat normalized but the morning time that i am supposed to spend "me-timing" with cooking a healthy meal and gym and errands is spent complaining about the job task of the day...i have quit one of them that really irked me each day...and now there is no reason to complain about what im doing...im quite happy with the jobs i have...i love my brands...and i love what i do...so honestly this week despite being extremely ill was not one of those weeks i dreaded everything in existence...which is good...and its a start...i dont hate my job...and for the most part im left to my own devices to generate dollars and knowledge which makes me happy...so theres a plus...but then i go back into the weight thing...i never feel totally comfortable just in my own skin because maybe that is too tight or this is cutting off circulation to my legs...my clients never look at me weird its more when i go into the department stores and see all these cute guys wearing all this cool skinny people stuff and i get sad i cant be that cute and then i go home and cry about it over a plate of something or other...and going back to this food thing...nothing tastes good anyways...and its more about these "cravings" than anything else...im never full or if i am i dont recognize it...maybe this is the ticket right there...knowing content and fulfillment...rather then looking at what else i can fit in my mouth...i suppose this application can be used to other parts of my life...i mean i feel torn in 62 directions like im 62 personalities all fighting for freedom...its like united states of tara up in this bitch...but i suppose i should digress on this...nah lets talk about these plates im turning for a second...
on the homefront...theres this desire to up and fuckin leave...im not happy with where im living...how im living...or the area in which im living...so the apartment has got to go...it was suitable for my drunken charades...but im quite over the need to go out and slosh my mind with alcohol and strike up conversation with the next "will u buy me a drink" gay boy...maybe im tired of wilton for the lack of youth or tired of seeing the same tragedy play out...and i dunno whats more tragic the people who go out and do the same shit...or me going out hoping to strike up a good convo and make a good friendship...and then going home alone...by choice yes...but some level of me would like dare i say a relationship at some point in my life...but right now i just dont feel like i want to work at that...and im in no shape to start dating...i dont handle rejection very well...and i handle shit attitudes and shadyness even worse...so dating is a no go especially in these parts...i dunno i just think everything is a turn off...so maybe thats why i dont feel like putting my best face forward because i just dont see the point...and as much as i complain about the bitter nancys who parade the streets around these parts...im really no better...i mean i do judge them for being everything i aspire not to be but in reality im becoming more like them than i want to be...but at least i admit i am bitter and somewhat angry at life...and rather than spread that toxic behavior like the flu i hermit myself into my bedroom and think about life elsewhere in the land of happy people and a closet with form fitting clothes that i actually fit into...
i know this post probably seems sad and depressing but i just need to get it all out in the open so i can fully realize what it is i want...and maybe steer this ship away from the iceberg...
things are not terrible i just have some personal developing i need to do...more for the insides to feel good than the outside but they go hand in hand in my book...
i will say this im bloody brilliant and i know it...im not cocky about it really but i am just really confident that i will undoubtedly change the world in some degree and i think im onto a few paths in which that will happen...
obviously i am working on my youtube channel...yes its still happening...i needed to take a break to work on my living arrangement before i committed myself fully to operating a youtube channel in the manner in which i want to...btw if u are curious about youtube...it is an actual job and a 40-50 hour career if u are good at it...i want to make sure my content is impactful relevant creative/original and fun...those are the key points i want to deliver...so i am working on commercials to promote the channel...tutorials...intros...music...etc...i just have a few other things to sort in my life before i can fully commit to it...but we are not far from launching...and it will be fun once i can mentally commit to it...but then i wonder "is florida really the place i want to start my youtube career?"...not really...especially if i hope to do collaborations with some of my youtube favs...and really mentally florida is just draining me and i think it greatly contributes itself to my lack of finishing the drive...but back to the youtube channel...in the next few weeks i will start uploading my vlogs...which will not so much be about the makeup but more personal things...its a way for me to get my voice out and create a personality behind the image i am putting forth into the world...but when i say expect no filter...it will be very real...and i will talk about very real things and it will be my personal journey into youtube and into the next stages of my life...so im maybe more excited to release that for right now...but im also excited to do some collabs with other youtubers and other artists i love...im also excited to be learning more about the creation of youtube content and i have to say...its really an art in itself so if u havent liked or subscribed to that person u stalk on youtube...u should...it pays the bills for them...
next thing on my list is aurora blu cosmetics...some people have been like "what the fuck? you are all over the place"...truth is...thats the fuckin truth...there was the job search for the next great thing to help me take over the world and then there was this talk of school...both things i realized will not take me to the next level of being me and help me grow any...in fact that will further put me in the cookie cutter mold and having been there and done that its not something i want to do again...i dont want to be tight-casted to any one thing, trait, or aspect...its not how i want to live my life and honestly its quite dull...day in and day out the same old shit...its boring...and a few months into it u despise everything about life...i dont want to live that way...so hence why im working with brands im really passionate about and they seem to be equally passionate about me (which i have to say feels good when in the past ive been confined to this bubble of expectations and other peoples perception of who i was capable of being---so to me this feels good and it feels right)...at the same time im creatively masterminding my own line...something thats probably not far out from fruition but yet fully realized however i am going to form an LLC very soon and start meeting with development teams and formulators very soon...i need to get all these ideas into some sort of portlet...i feel that is what im destined to do...put ideas into the world to make life better...and more fun...i guess maybe thats why i look up to paypal/spacex/tesla creator elon musk...hes this regular guy with a dream to make the world easier far reaching and environmentally conscious...and look at him go...quite an inspiration...
if u are actually reading this still im surprised...but applause for u for spending ur saturday in my thoughts...
alright so back to aurora blu cosmetics...im going to pump a lot of energy into the concepts and ideas...get some patents ironed out and get that puppy rolling in late 2015...its another reason im thinking california looks the best for not only my mental sanity or youtube but also thats where most cosmetic companies seem to be based out of from a distribution stance and its all about who you know to succeed in this crazy industry...so ive got to start networking and getting the ball rolling...i want the best of the best involved in this and im promising now...this will be a no compromise kind of line...and i will be very hands on with the composition of each element of the line from formulation, packaging, brand identity, and advertising...if ive run this idea by u in the past few weeks or so its probably because i value ur feedback and its been much appreciated...so thank u...
anyways whats the next point...hmmm...well i dont know if i have any...but i feel much better now getting this out...but it could also be gwen stefani on repeat...so baby dont lie...live ur life...put it all out there...because someones gonna tell ur story so u may as well put the facts out there for the world...i always say this...i live my life as an open book...mainly because if someone is interested in reading it they need to get all aspects to the story...because thats how we live on in greatness is a fond memory really...im right in that...i know...u can thank me later for the prolific change this has inflicted on ur life...
oh i know what i wanted to talk about...ive been writing a lot of songs lately...and id love to get them into some sort of rendering whether thats a demo to be shopped or a book of poetry is yet to be decided...i think the music thing would be fun...theres always been a fascination within me to be involved in music...so we shall see...but im sure an amazon book will be the easiest...might as well use these publishing contacts for something...
so we dream the dreams so others can make them the reality of fascination and inspiration for the future of dreams...or at least i do...
i want to say a few things...first im not bitter at the world...my decisions are mine and my life is mine so ultimately i am the cause and affect in my own world...i dont blame others...second im not all over the place...i have clear visions...i just have many of them and most dont understand my dream to live in each of those visions...and that might be adhd and it might be the workings of genius...random pages of ideas drawn in multiple directions across numerous post its and scrap pages...they say there is chaos that surrounds genius and seeing how there is no lack of self-induced chaos there must live creative genius...i just have so many outlets- writing,art,music,ideas,visions...perhaps all theses are some sort of portlet for changing the world...so im not gonna lie to myself...lifes a struggle...but theres a magic when things sparkle in a glittering explosion and im ready for the world to see my magic tricks...
definitely feeling more confident would do me some good...but how can i say no to the only boyfriend i know?...food!...i should really...i go up and down with weight its a constant battle...but right now its like i dont really give a fuck...theres nothing to really motivate me to use the gym i pay for each month...or to actually go see my personal trainer...or hell use my knowledge of food and get my nutrition on...i just dont care at the moment...nothing motivates me right now except for these cravings...maybe ive displaced other emotions into eating...lack of companionship...lack of direction...lack of stability...lack of simplicity...etc...i will no sooner wake up with all these goals i set forth the night before laying on my pillow and wake up and be like "fuck that noise...lets eat"...i believe very strongly i have somewhat of an addiction to things...and i have displaced many of those traits into a food addiction...but i digress on this one...i just need to keep myself in that happy full on life bubble for more than a week...and get back to some sort of rhythm with it...
speaking of rhythm i need a set schedule...ive finally gotten my sleep schedule somewhat normalized but the morning time that i am supposed to spend "me-timing" with cooking a healthy meal and gym and errands is spent complaining about the job task of the day...i have quit one of them that really irked me each day...and now there is no reason to complain about what im doing...im quite happy with the jobs i have...i love my brands...and i love what i do...so honestly this week despite being extremely ill was not one of those weeks i dreaded everything in existence...which is good...and its a start...i dont hate my job...and for the most part im left to my own devices to generate dollars and knowledge which makes me happy...so theres a plus...but then i go back into the weight thing...i never feel totally comfortable just in my own skin because maybe that is too tight or this is cutting off circulation to my legs...my clients never look at me weird its more when i go into the department stores and see all these cute guys wearing all this cool skinny people stuff and i get sad i cant be that cute and then i go home and cry about it over a plate of something or other...and going back to this food thing...nothing tastes good anyways...and its more about these "cravings" than anything else...im never full or if i am i dont recognize it...maybe this is the ticket right there...knowing content and fulfillment...rather then looking at what else i can fit in my mouth...i suppose this application can be used to other parts of my life...i mean i feel torn in 62 directions like im 62 personalities all fighting for freedom...its like united states of tara up in this bitch...but i suppose i should digress on this...nah lets talk about these plates im turning for a second...
on the homefront...theres this desire to up and fuckin leave...im not happy with where im living...how im living...or the area in which im living...so the apartment has got to go...it was suitable for my drunken charades...but im quite over the need to go out and slosh my mind with alcohol and strike up conversation with the next "will u buy me a drink" gay boy...maybe im tired of wilton for the lack of youth or tired of seeing the same tragedy play out...and i dunno whats more tragic the people who go out and do the same shit...or me going out hoping to strike up a good convo and make a good friendship...and then going home alone...by choice yes...but some level of me would like dare i say a relationship at some point in my life...but right now i just dont feel like i want to work at that...and im in no shape to start dating...i dont handle rejection very well...and i handle shit attitudes and shadyness even worse...so dating is a no go especially in these parts...i dunno i just think everything is a turn off...so maybe thats why i dont feel like putting my best face forward because i just dont see the point...and as much as i complain about the bitter nancys who parade the streets around these parts...im really no better...i mean i do judge them for being everything i aspire not to be but in reality im becoming more like them than i want to be...but at least i admit i am bitter and somewhat angry at life...and rather than spread that toxic behavior like the flu i hermit myself into my bedroom and think about life elsewhere in the land of happy people and a closet with form fitting clothes that i actually fit into...
i know this post probably seems sad and depressing but i just need to get it all out in the open so i can fully realize what it is i want...and maybe steer this ship away from the iceberg...
things are not terrible i just have some personal developing i need to do...more for the insides to feel good than the outside but they go hand in hand in my book...
i will say this im bloody brilliant and i know it...im not cocky about it really but i am just really confident that i will undoubtedly change the world in some degree and i think im onto a few paths in which that will happen...
obviously i am working on my youtube channel...yes its still happening...i needed to take a break to work on my living arrangement before i committed myself fully to operating a youtube channel in the manner in which i want to...btw if u are curious about youtube...it is an actual job and a 40-50 hour career if u are good at it...i want to make sure my content is impactful relevant creative/original and fun...those are the key points i want to deliver...so i am working on commercials to promote the channel...tutorials...intros...music...etc...i just have a few other things to sort in my life before i can fully commit to it...but we are not far from launching...and it will be fun once i can mentally commit to it...but then i wonder "is florida really the place i want to start my youtube career?"...not really...especially if i hope to do collaborations with some of my youtube favs...and really mentally florida is just draining me and i think it greatly contributes itself to my lack of finishing the drive...but back to the youtube channel...in the next few weeks i will start uploading my vlogs...which will not so much be about the makeup but more personal things...its a way for me to get my voice out and create a personality behind the image i am putting forth into the world...but when i say expect no filter...it will be very real...and i will talk about very real things and it will be my personal journey into youtube and into the next stages of my life...so im maybe more excited to release that for right now...but im also excited to do some collabs with other youtubers and other artists i love...im also excited to be learning more about the creation of youtube content and i have to say...its really an art in itself so if u havent liked or subscribed to that person u stalk on youtube...u should...it pays the bills for them...
next thing on my list is aurora blu cosmetics...some people have been like "what the fuck? you are all over the place"...truth is...thats the fuckin truth...there was the job search for the next great thing to help me take over the world and then there was this talk of school...both things i realized will not take me to the next level of being me and help me grow any...in fact that will further put me in the cookie cutter mold and having been there and done that its not something i want to do again...i dont want to be tight-casted to any one thing, trait, or aspect...its not how i want to live my life and honestly its quite dull...day in and day out the same old shit...its boring...and a few months into it u despise everything about life...i dont want to live that way...so hence why im working with brands im really passionate about and they seem to be equally passionate about me (which i have to say feels good when in the past ive been confined to this bubble of expectations and other peoples perception of who i was capable of being---so to me this feels good and it feels right)...at the same time im creatively masterminding my own line...something thats probably not far out from fruition but yet fully realized however i am going to form an LLC very soon and start meeting with development teams and formulators very soon...i need to get all these ideas into some sort of portlet...i feel that is what im destined to do...put ideas into the world to make life better...and more fun...i guess maybe thats why i look up to paypal/spacex/tesla creator elon musk...hes this regular guy with a dream to make the world easier far reaching and environmentally conscious...and look at him go...quite an inspiration...
if u are actually reading this still im surprised...but applause for u for spending ur saturday in my thoughts...
alright so back to aurora blu cosmetics...im going to pump a lot of energy into the concepts and ideas...get some patents ironed out and get that puppy rolling in late 2015...its another reason im thinking california looks the best for not only my mental sanity or youtube but also thats where most cosmetic companies seem to be based out of from a distribution stance and its all about who you know to succeed in this crazy industry...so ive got to start networking and getting the ball rolling...i want the best of the best involved in this and im promising now...this will be a no compromise kind of line...and i will be very hands on with the composition of each element of the line from formulation, packaging, brand identity, and advertising...if ive run this idea by u in the past few weeks or so its probably because i value ur feedback and its been much appreciated...so thank u...
anyways whats the next point...hmmm...well i dont know if i have any...but i feel much better now getting this out...but it could also be gwen stefani on repeat...so baby dont lie...live ur life...put it all out there...because someones gonna tell ur story so u may as well put the facts out there for the world...i always say this...i live my life as an open book...mainly because if someone is interested in reading it they need to get all aspects to the story...because thats how we live on in greatness is a fond memory really...im right in that...i know...u can thank me later for the prolific change this has inflicted on ur life...
oh i know what i wanted to talk about...ive been writing a lot of songs lately...and id love to get them into some sort of rendering whether thats a demo to be shopped or a book of poetry is yet to be decided...i think the music thing would be fun...theres always been a fascination within me to be involved in music...so we shall see...but im sure an amazon book will be the easiest...might as well use these publishing contacts for something...
so we dream the dreams so others can make them the reality of fascination and inspiration for the future of dreams...or at least i do...
i want to say a few things...first im not bitter at the world...my decisions are mine and my life is mine so ultimately i am the cause and affect in my own world...i dont blame others...second im not all over the place...i have clear visions...i just have many of them and most dont understand my dream to live in each of those visions...and that might be adhd and it might be the workings of genius...random pages of ideas drawn in multiple directions across numerous post its and scrap pages...they say there is chaos that surrounds genius and seeing how there is no lack of self-induced chaos there must live creative genius...i just have so many outlets- writing,art,music,ideas,visions...perhaps all theses are some sort of portlet for changing the world...so im not gonna lie to myself...lifes a struggle...but theres a magic when things sparkle in a glittering explosion and im ready for the world to see my magic tricks...