the uncomfort zone...

[xxmiamimofo21xx]

theres a level of uncomfort built within the zone...the zone being my level of understanding and trust within many individuals around me...i think this is ultra personified by lack of trust in certain individuals which has cost me my relationships with many as of recent...i feel i am a good person but im slipping into the bad...the bad is realized after too many drinks...and too many things and thinks are said...my level of trust is gone with everyone around me...can i trust u and u and u?...probably...and i hope so...but i feel like my emotions are gettin so entangled in things i cant even fathom to understand...maybe i am bipolar...maybe i am really crazy...britney knows all...and britney treats her friends like shit after certain points in the night...i feel like it has never been anyone making others feel uncomfortable it has always been me...but what i fail to see the clarity of...is why do situations keep repeating themselves in my life...i think the young and knowledgeable sarah ardellini told me correctly in a drunken stuper "ash...life repeats itself over and over in patterns of a circle until one day u can gain the clarity to break that repetitious cycle and grow into a straight line"...wouldnt life be grand if i could figure out the fuck ups i have made as of lately or just in general it seems situations are losing clarity and are growing more and more severe with individuals...is it possible i display emotions from one person onto the next...and expect great things from those that are not capable of reading the mind of a crazy man...so here i sit...alone in my bed after i pissed off every single friend i have left...and i feel as though i have lost all trust with these people...not me for them but them for me ultimately pushing them away from me to a point i am pressed to not trust them...why else would 2 individuals be asleep on my couch afraid to piss me off...afraid britney will come back to haunt them with her tears of confusion and sadness because she expects everything from everyone...one should never let themselves be known...for that is the ultimate level of uncomfort...that is the ultimate form of self betrayal...reliance on another...reliance on people to always be there...to always know where ur coming from...clearly that is not so...clearly...there is no clarity in sight and i fear myself doing something quite crazy...i can only shave my hair off so many times before i start reaching the surface...i just genuinely miss the simplicity of the world i once had...the world i chose to stray away from...and the world i chose to complicate with such trivial dealings of jealousy sadness and confusion...i am genuinely all of the above...and so hurt...but im not sure who to displace the hurt onto but someone i like to call me...i did everything to me...there was never anyone to hurt me as bad as i allowed myself to be hurt...maybe...u as the reader...feel there was a wrong turn u took...somewhere along the yellow brick road...u took the dirt path...this is my attempt to realize all that i know...and all that i am comfortable saying...im not stupid...or am i...i know what goes on behind closed doors and spread out sheets...i am just stupid...really when u think about it...why?...what is the point?...i blame those out for a conquest but when i cant achieve it from those around me i feel lost and totally self aware...meaning i realize what i have become physically and i think that plays a huge part in everything...i am insecure...and want to change...but lack the motivation in life to see the end...i was there...but i lost it all...ive lost all hope...and ive lost the caring for sympathy...i just want someone genuine to come around that doesnt have alternate motives in life...that has grown up enough to know where they are really going and what they really want...without the risk of me thinking that they are lying or trying to manipulate me into thinking im ok...not to say people manipulate me...but i feel like i can hear one thing and think another and i feel like people are always out to get me emotionally...like i used to be so happy...and i feel like i displace all the happiness i have left in those who will possibly stray away in the darkest times of need...i hear the noises...and maybe those are the sounds of insecurity or maybe they are the sounds of my own fears being realized...that i am not the end all...be all...i am not the one that people seek in the crowd...that i am in fact the one people laugh at...and hope i hear..i am going crazy...i just wish it would stop...i am going to take a break from drinking for a while...maybe some people around me will take the stance with me...im not a dependent person...so when did i get like this???...why do i feel so alone...and why do i feel so grossed out with people right now...maybe its just the vodka diets that i had tonight being too strong...or maybe they were mad too strong for a reason...dont piss off the hand that mixes ur liquor...it will not end pretty...and ur eyes will be filled with tears of uncertainty when it comes to what tomorrow brings...i only hope my fortune cookie was right and that i will be rewarded...cuz if this feeling is my reward then clearly i have fucked up more than a few times in my life...

-sincerely confused
carl!