a blank state...
for many a time i have wondered...and as i sat in that chair i still wondered...but as i floated away somewhere spacey and the verbal winds came from mah mouth much like waves of an ocean...it ebbs and flows from mah mouth and is finished by someone else...u wonder what can the point in feeling so paranoid about not having any control over ur speech...there was an relief and a sigh of hope...but still the conversation trickled on...everyone was spaced with me...nothing making very much since but our fingernails...voices carried thoughts back and forth in winds that met in the middle of the room...a room that tention had divided...i would think everything was ok for a second and id realize that i was floating away...thoughts carry u somewhere else...i only wanna chime in once...its not so great the beginning...but the conversations are colorful and whimsy...i do see a definite connection with the people u interact with...it bonds...but its still not something i completely understand...chyllin out and just breathing for a second was nice...but no one knows the secret...no one wants to...maybe it was only me...but things made sense because u knew some other idiot was agreeing...i just want to write...and think and process...theres a part of me that realizes i could stay put here and be happy when its different...that i enjoy the people i encounter...but than another part of me just wants to let go and start over...miami would be a nice break...but why leave a good thing...maybe i do it because i always did it when i was younger and now ive forced mahself to tough it out and stay...but i can never leave well enough alone...u never know what can happen if u go or if u stay...ulta is throwin me the same curveball...i have a family at my store and dont necessarily want to leave...other than that i think i have done all that i can do in securing some sort of stake in peoples minds and on the isles...even tho i said i would never im ready for the 5 minute away change...afterall in a few months ill be having to do it all over again when i move to south beach...i mean i def wanna do it...i need an escape...a place i can play...i can explore this inner celebrity...and not feel so pressured to conform into something im not...or that i once was...i cant stress it enough...the fact that im constantly stressed...i havent done something away from this town since i moved here...well besides small weekends away...maybe i just need to leave to appreciate it more...i have memories on the little things...and im worried that sometimes the pretty pink buildings and neon lights that have an afterglow along the ocean at night...change is inevitable...does one simply deal with it or create some new found logic by switching things up on a small scale in a small town...staying far from the unknown...and becoming one of those people that wants to leave it all behind...
-fin!
-fin!