Hello again, LiveJournal.

[xxmangledwings]

It's been a while. I only seemed to think of this thing again because I guess it's been a while since I've hit such a low. I guess I never realized how much venting through my keyboard helped me. It's not as boggled as my mind - I think. Even after all this time, even the tiniest things can spark negative thinking. Today I realized that, even if I've felt a lot better these past few months than I used to, I am not at all happy with the way my life is turning out. I'm beginning to wonder if it's possible to feel completely, purely happy in my situation. I don't know how a person can be happy when they're quite literally stuck in a situation they can't change, but also can't compromise. A conversation I'd had today reminded me that I'm never, ever going to be what I want to be. And if it's so hard for me to accept it, can anyone else possibly do it? I mean, relationships seem so black and white, as far as this issue goes; it's hard enough to find a person you can mutually love, but how you can find one that accepts... It feels impossible. And I know I don't want to live a lie forever, especially when the perfect person does come along. Maybe I'm thinking too far ahead, but as I said, I can't do anything to change the situation. Even if I could, I'm so fucked up that it's not like I'd be accepted then either. For all I know, it might be even worse than now...

I just hate it so much. Whatever force there is to blame - nature, religion - I despise it.