Long Deep Sigh
So yeah,
Lisa and I are at eachothers throats right about now. Evidently, i'm asking too much of her, and stressing her out.
Wow, thanks babe.
I know she worked all day, but was it truly asking too much to get help with my 4 page report due Tuesday? I'd like to think it wasn't, but i'd be thinking wrong. I'm asking too much of my FIANCE' to help me start a paper that i've never written before.
I'm frustrated, because I feel fucking stupid, and i'm stressed because this paper is due Tuesday and I have NOTHING, but notes, annotations,and a few other things that I have no idea what to do with.
I can't help then when I get pushed to a certain point I want to leave. I want to run, for fucks sake what am I expected to? Let myself get a point that I fucking explode and hurt everyone, including myself?
I left, I fucking left and went to get a bite to eat for like two hours. It was best. I know it was. I just don't know anymore, I don't know what to do, or if I should stop fighting for this. Stop fighting for whatever it is i'm fighting for. I love her, but I just can't take always being the bad person. Always being the one that apologizes, and backs down. I want to be happy, and make HER happy, but I don't think i'm capable of that. I don't think either one of us are ready for this domestic partnership in December, nor do I think I'm ready for more of a committment.
I'm losing myself, and no one sees it but me.
I had an appointment with my psych. this past Monday and I didn't even go. Why you may ask? Because I didn't want to talk about me. I didn't
want to talk to anyone about being fucking molested, or how troubled I am. I just don't want to talk about it. I want it to disappear, I want to be normal. I want to be happy, without having to force myself to be. I just want to die right now. I want to fucking take a blade and cut my wrists and let all this anguish flow from my veins. I want to be free from all of this. From myself. Why did I have to be so fucked up? WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO FUCKED UP?
I miss Monica. I felt like I could talk to Monica, but that doesn't matter. I apologized, and apologized, but nothing. No receptiveness. I loved her. She was my FRIEND, genuinely my friend, and I miss her. I need her right now, but where is she?
I can't cry, but I want to. I want these tears to flow and wash away my pain, but they won't come. They won't escape me, I have to continue to be in this fucking pain. Why?
Why doesn't God, my father, intervene and take this pain away? Why?
Lisa and I are at eachothers throats right about now. Evidently, i'm asking too much of her, and stressing her out.
Wow, thanks babe.
I know she worked all day, but was it truly asking too much to get help with my 4 page report due Tuesday? I'd like to think it wasn't, but i'd be thinking wrong. I'm asking too much of my FIANCE' to help me start a paper that i've never written before.
I'm frustrated, because I feel fucking stupid, and i'm stressed because this paper is due Tuesday and I have NOTHING, but notes, annotations,and a few other things that I have no idea what to do with.
I can't help then when I get pushed to a certain point I want to leave. I want to run, for fucks sake what am I expected to? Let myself get a point that I fucking explode and hurt everyone, including myself?
I left, I fucking left and went to get a bite to eat for like two hours. It was best. I know it was. I just don't know anymore, I don't know what to do, or if I should stop fighting for this. Stop fighting for whatever it is i'm fighting for. I love her, but I just can't take always being the bad person. Always being the one that apologizes, and backs down. I want to be happy, and make HER happy, but I don't think i'm capable of that. I don't think either one of us are ready for this domestic partnership in December, nor do I think I'm ready for more of a committment.
I'm losing myself, and no one sees it but me.
I had an appointment with my psych. this past Monday and I didn't even go. Why you may ask? Because I didn't want to talk about me. I didn't
want to talk to anyone about being fucking molested, or how troubled I am. I just don't want to talk about it. I want it to disappear, I want to be normal. I want to be happy, without having to force myself to be. I just want to die right now. I want to fucking take a blade and cut my wrists and let all this anguish flow from my veins. I want to be free from all of this. From myself. Why did I have to be so fucked up? WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO FUCKED UP?
I miss Monica. I felt like I could talk to Monica, but that doesn't matter. I apologized, and apologized, but nothing. No receptiveness. I loved her. She was my FRIEND, genuinely my friend, and I miss her. I need her right now, but where is she?
I can't cry, but I want to. I want these tears to flow and wash away my pain, but they won't come. They won't escape me, I have to continue to be in this fucking pain. Why?
Why doesn't God, my father, intervene and take this pain away? Why?