Update
Ok so I guess it's about time I update my LJ, eh?
First off, today I heard a bunch of people got mad at me for not sitting at their table at lunch. That is kinda stupid. I was at lunch before everybody and I chose an empty table. The choice of whether you wanted me at your table was all YOURS. Don't be mad at me because other people sat at the table I chose and talked to me. I don't like switching lunch tables because I feel like I'm betraying the original table. Don't get mad at me when you could've just sat with me. It's not that I didn't sit with YOU, it's you chose not to sit with ME.
Ok, now to the serious stuff. If you haven't noticed, I've been really upset. The fact is, I've never felt this depressed and lonely since my mother died. This is THE worst it's been. It's not Sarah's fault, I just had the worst vacation ever. It was bad before it started, with my missing my mother and fearing Christmas morning, which happened to be worse than I expected. My father yelled at me for watching TV and waking him up even though it was 9:45 when I woke him up because I lost power to my room and I was freezing. Then, for pretty much the rest of the week, he continued to yell at me for random shit I didn't do, or for delaying my college apps. The college apps he was yelling at me for basically because the more I waited, the less he got from financial aid. That kind of pissed me off a little more. Then he kept saying things like "Oh, it's because you didn't have your medicine" and "You need your medicine and then you'll be fine" and the like. By Wednesday, we had had at least 20 very loud fights. Yes, I tried just simply talking to him, and reasoning and all that shit. I tried very hard. But he is not a listener. You have to live with him for many years to understand the depth to which he doesn't listen. If you tell me I haven't tried hard enough, well, you're mistaken. he's been this way for all of my years with him, but it's gotten worse because now it's just us.
Wednesday. Father had written to Joe saying he wanted Joe to be aware that I wasn't finished my college apps. That really pissed me off when I found out he went behind my back like I told him not to do so long ago. What made it worse was the fact that when he wrote the words "I do not want him working in Drama while his responsibilities for planning fro college are ignored." When I got to drama on Wednesday afternoon, Joe told me to go home and finish my apps. and to not come in the next day unless they were done. I know Joe wasn't kicking me out, but my father had effectively cancelled what would've been the only time I would've had to spend with the only friends I really have, thus throwing me into solitude. Upset at the news, I sped home and was pulled over and got a written citation for speeding. Not the first time I've been pulled over, but it could've been avoided. That was just fuel to the fire. For the rest of the week, up until sunday morning, I pretty much never left the confines of my room. The only times I left my room were once on thursday for a subway sub for lunch (12ish), and once on friday night for McDonalds, I went through the drive-thru.
New Years night, the person who I though I could trust and who was what I considered my best friend, betrayed me. I called him and told him what I had been through over the week and he said he didn't care. I asked him what he was doin tonight and he said there's a party that he was goin to and that I'd never go. So I said I would and he said he'd call me back. that was at 4. At 5 I called him back to see what's up and he pretended he didn't know what I was talking about for a minute or so and then said he'd call me back he had to see if I could go. I waited 3 hours for him to call me back. He promised and he failed. He's always been a jerk to me. I'm serious when I say that. He didn't really care about me. I know it. I was just an asset to him. I was something that was there when he had nothing better to do. He always walked over me. He never respected me. We even admitted we hated each other all the time. This betrayal on my trust was just the last straw. He crossed the line way too much this time for me to ever forgive him. I finally had to go to work on Sunday morning at 11. I was there till 5. I went to subway at 6 to be with an old friend of mine who also had a bad week and at 7:30, we went home. I went straight to bed, not prepared to deal with the things I had thrown my way the next day.
In all, christmas vacation was the worst week I ever had in my life. I hadn't EVER felt more alone in the world than I had. The damage my father had done to me is irrepairable. No matter what you say to me, or no matter how many apologies he makes, I will never forgive him for it.
On a brighter note, I watched Anchorman 7 times! I almost know the whole movie by heart. How special am I?!
First off, today I heard a bunch of people got mad at me for not sitting at their table at lunch. That is kinda stupid. I was at lunch before everybody and I chose an empty table. The choice of whether you wanted me at your table was all YOURS. Don't be mad at me because other people sat at the table I chose and talked to me. I don't like switching lunch tables because I feel like I'm betraying the original table. Don't get mad at me when you could've just sat with me. It's not that I didn't sit with YOU, it's you chose not to sit with ME.
Ok, now to the serious stuff. If you haven't noticed, I've been really upset. The fact is, I've never felt this depressed and lonely since my mother died. This is THE worst it's been. It's not Sarah's fault, I just had the worst vacation ever. It was bad before it started, with my missing my mother and fearing Christmas morning, which happened to be worse than I expected. My father yelled at me for watching TV and waking him up even though it was 9:45 when I woke him up because I lost power to my room and I was freezing. Then, for pretty much the rest of the week, he continued to yell at me for random shit I didn't do, or for delaying my college apps. The college apps he was yelling at me for basically because the more I waited, the less he got from financial aid. That kind of pissed me off a little more. Then he kept saying things like "Oh, it's because you didn't have your medicine" and "You need your medicine and then you'll be fine" and the like. By Wednesday, we had had at least 20 very loud fights. Yes, I tried just simply talking to him, and reasoning and all that shit. I tried very hard. But he is not a listener. You have to live with him for many years to understand the depth to which he doesn't listen. If you tell me I haven't tried hard enough, well, you're mistaken. he's been this way for all of my years with him, but it's gotten worse because now it's just us.
Wednesday. Father had written to Joe saying he wanted Joe to be aware that I wasn't finished my college apps. That really pissed me off when I found out he went behind my back like I told him not to do so long ago. What made it worse was the fact that when he wrote the words "I do not want him working in Drama while his responsibilities for planning fro college are ignored." When I got to drama on Wednesday afternoon, Joe told me to go home and finish my apps. and to not come in the next day unless they were done. I know Joe wasn't kicking me out, but my father had effectively cancelled what would've been the only time I would've had to spend with the only friends I really have, thus throwing me into solitude. Upset at the news, I sped home and was pulled over and got a written citation for speeding. Not the first time I've been pulled over, but it could've been avoided. That was just fuel to the fire. For the rest of the week, up until sunday morning, I pretty much never left the confines of my room. The only times I left my room were once on thursday for a subway sub for lunch (12ish), and once on friday night for McDonalds, I went through the drive-thru.
New Years night, the person who I though I could trust and who was what I considered my best friend, betrayed me. I called him and told him what I had been through over the week and he said he didn't care. I asked him what he was doin tonight and he said there's a party that he was goin to and that I'd never go. So I said I would and he said he'd call me back. that was at 4. At 5 I called him back to see what's up and he pretended he didn't know what I was talking about for a minute or so and then said he'd call me back he had to see if I could go. I waited 3 hours for him to call me back. He promised and he failed. He's always been a jerk to me. I'm serious when I say that. He didn't really care about me. I know it. I was just an asset to him. I was something that was there when he had nothing better to do. He always walked over me. He never respected me. We even admitted we hated each other all the time. This betrayal on my trust was just the last straw. He crossed the line way too much this time for me to ever forgive him. I finally had to go to work on Sunday morning at 11. I was there till 5. I went to subway at 6 to be with an old friend of mine who also had a bad week and at 7:30, we went home. I went straight to bed, not prepared to deal with the things I had thrown my way the next day.
In all, christmas vacation was the worst week I ever had in my life. I hadn't EVER felt more alone in the world than I had. The damage my father had done to me is irrepairable. No matter what you say to me, or no matter how many apologies he makes, I will never forgive him for it.
On a brighter note, I watched Anchorman 7 times! I almost know the whole movie by heart. How special am I?!