The Swing
The Swing
Seven years ago. I was only nine years old then. I feel old looking back on it. I feel empty inside remembering it. It's something I can never forget. Seven years of my life that I wanted to change. Seven years that were destroyed. I can never forgive myself of the events. I can never change them. I must accept it. I must move on.
My sister and I always wanted a tree swing. We begged daddy to let us, but he said we couldn't afford it, and the tree would never hold. We were determined to get that swing. We found the wooden plank and we found some old rope in the garage. We had to have this swing. We worked hours on it. The rope was slick and it could hardly hold the plank, but after enough dedication, we fixed it. We were satisfied. We were content. We both got to swing. We were so close back then. We loved each other. We were sisters.
My friend would be coming over later that night. I was excited because I liked having friends over. I never went to their houses. I never liked to leave my house. Soon I would have a reason to not want to leave the house.
I had everything prepared that night. We would play G.I. Joes that night and I would totally crush his army. Then we'd eat pizza and play video games, preferrably Tetris. Then we would play in the sprinklers and swing. He came over that night and we did everything! I crushed his army! He beat me at Tetris, and we ate pizza. It was too late to play in the sprinklers, but he had an idea. We would play a different game.
I was really excited. Having friends over was something I really needed. But... things changed.
***
She closed her eyes for a few seconds and opened them, staring up at the boy.
"I have an idea."
"What kind of idea?"
"Well, I'm tired of playing all these games. Lets play something else. Something new!"
She smiled sweetly and nodded her head. "Okay!"
"Now, you have to close your eyes, okay? It's a surprise."
She closed her eyes and giggled excitedly. Her smile turned uneasily and she began to cry. She opened her eyes and the lights were off. She screamed abruptly, her screams muffled by his hand.
"Shh, little girl or I'll.. I'll kill you!"
She cried harder and he pushed her against the bed. She fumbled and pushed back at him, feeling his hands on her. She scrambled to the corner of her bed quickly, her pants awkwardly sliding off of her.
"Get back here or I swear I'll kill you."
She cried and let go of the sheets. He pushed on her harder and she squirmed to get free. He grabbed her thighs and pushed her harder. She screamed out and kicked her leg free, kicking him between the legs.
***
Afterwards, he slapped me upside my face. I felt the heat of the strike. I could only cry. I didn't want this. I didn't want this again. I remember what he said to me.
***
He spit in her face as he got up, rubbing himself to calm himself. His face was rigid as he turned the lights back on to see her face. He slapped her again. He grabbed her by her hair and stared into her eyes.
"See what I did to you? Your daddy didn't come to rescue you. No one could love a piece of shit like you. Your daddy's upstairs and he didn't even come and get you. What do you have to say about that?"
Silent cries.
"No man will ever love you. You could kill yourself right now. Go on, do it."
More silent cries.
Darkness again.
***
I remember. I got dressed again and waited for his mom to get there. He went upstairs and pretended it was nothing. He smiled at my parents the way he smiled when he got in the door. He grabbed a glass and poured my favorite cherry Kool-Aid in it and sipped it. I sat in the chair across from him and hid my face.
I didn't think about him the next day. Only his words.
***
The tree where the swing hung is still standing tall. I remember the next day. I felt the rope so slick. I pulled the plank from the rope and let it fall. If I didn't succeed I would tell them that I jumped too hard on the swing and it broke. I brought out the plastic lawn chair and stood on it. I never knew how to make a noose.
His words still burned in my ears. The rope felt so smooth around my neck. I tied it as tight as I could. I stared down at my puppy and smiled at her. She only wagged her tail. Mommy and daddy were shopping. My sister was playing with her friends and so was my brother. I didn't want to go out. I never went out.
The chair slipped as I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I felt a quick choke and coughed. I grabbed the rope with my fingers and dangled only inches above the ground. My face was turning red. I closed my eyes once more and felt my fingers fall.
But then I woke up. I was on the ground. I cried as I saw the rope had broke. I remember coughing up the red liquid. I thought it was only my favorite cherry Kool-Aid. I went back to sleep.
I dreamed of a better tomorrow.
***
Those seven years ago seem so distant. But the pain is still so close. I go outside on my front porch and watch the children in their yards playing in the sprinklers. I retreat back to my prison, for fear of another human's touch.
We fear what we can't control. And maybe someday I'll come around eventually. Maybe my dream will come true.
Sometimes I wonder if it would be any different if the rope hadn't broke. I can sometimes still feel the smooth feel of it against my neck. Seven years later.
Seven years ago. I was only nine years old then. I feel old looking back on it. I feel empty inside remembering it. It's something I can never forget. Seven years of my life that I wanted to change. Seven years that were destroyed. I can never forgive myself of the events. I can never change them. I must accept it. I must move on.
My sister and I always wanted a tree swing. We begged daddy to let us, but he said we couldn't afford it, and the tree would never hold. We were determined to get that swing. We found the wooden plank and we found some old rope in the garage. We had to have this swing. We worked hours on it. The rope was slick and it could hardly hold the plank, but after enough dedication, we fixed it. We were satisfied. We were content. We both got to swing. We were so close back then. We loved each other. We were sisters.
My friend would be coming over later that night. I was excited because I liked having friends over. I never went to their houses. I never liked to leave my house. Soon I would have a reason to not want to leave the house.
I had everything prepared that night. We would play G.I. Joes that night and I would totally crush his army. Then we'd eat pizza and play video games, preferrably Tetris. Then we would play in the sprinklers and swing. He came over that night and we did everything! I crushed his army! He beat me at Tetris, and we ate pizza. It was too late to play in the sprinklers, but he had an idea. We would play a different game.
I was really excited. Having friends over was something I really needed. But... things changed.
***
She closed her eyes for a few seconds and opened them, staring up at the boy.
"I have an idea."
"What kind of idea?"
"Well, I'm tired of playing all these games. Lets play something else. Something new!"
She smiled sweetly and nodded her head. "Okay!"
"Now, you have to close your eyes, okay? It's a surprise."
She closed her eyes and giggled excitedly. Her smile turned uneasily and she began to cry. She opened her eyes and the lights were off. She screamed abruptly, her screams muffled by his hand.
"Shh, little girl or I'll.. I'll kill you!"
She cried harder and he pushed her against the bed. She fumbled and pushed back at him, feeling his hands on her. She scrambled to the corner of her bed quickly, her pants awkwardly sliding off of her.
"Get back here or I swear I'll kill you."
She cried and let go of the sheets. He pushed on her harder and she squirmed to get free. He grabbed her thighs and pushed her harder. She screamed out and kicked her leg free, kicking him between the legs.
***
Afterwards, he slapped me upside my face. I felt the heat of the strike. I could only cry. I didn't want this. I didn't want this again. I remember what he said to me.
***
He spit in her face as he got up, rubbing himself to calm himself. His face was rigid as he turned the lights back on to see her face. He slapped her again. He grabbed her by her hair and stared into her eyes.
"See what I did to you? Your daddy didn't come to rescue you. No one could love a piece of shit like you. Your daddy's upstairs and he didn't even come and get you. What do you have to say about that?"
Silent cries.
"No man will ever love you. You could kill yourself right now. Go on, do it."
More silent cries.
Darkness again.
***
I remember. I got dressed again and waited for his mom to get there. He went upstairs and pretended it was nothing. He smiled at my parents the way he smiled when he got in the door. He grabbed a glass and poured my favorite cherry Kool-Aid in it and sipped it. I sat in the chair across from him and hid my face.
I didn't think about him the next day. Only his words.
***
The tree where the swing hung is still standing tall. I remember the next day. I felt the rope so slick. I pulled the plank from the rope and let it fall. If I didn't succeed I would tell them that I jumped too hard on the swing and it broke. I brought out the plastic lawn chair and stood on it. I never knew how to make a noose.
His words still burned in my ears. The rope felt so smooth around my neck. I tied it as tight as I could. I stared down at my puppy and smiled at her. She only wagged her tail. Mommy and daddy were shopping. My sister was playing with her friends and so was my brother. I didn't want to go out. I never went out.
The chair slipped as I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I felt a quick choke and coughed. I grabbed the rope with my fingers and dangled only inches above the ground. My face was turning red. I closed my eyes once more and felt my fingers fall.
But then I woke up. I was on the ground. I cried as I saw the rope had broke. I remember coughing up the red liquid. I thought it was only my favorite cherry Kool-Aid. I went back to sleep.
I dreamed of a better tomorrow.
***
Those seven years ago seem so distant. But the pain is still so close. I go outside on my front porch and watch the children in their yards playing in the sprinklers. I retreat back to my prison, for fear of another human's touch.
We fear what we can't control. And maybe someday I'll come around eventually. Maybe my dream will come true.
Sometimes I wonder if it would be any different if the rope hadn't broke. I can sometimes still feel the smooth feel of it against my neck. Seven years later.