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Sep 09, 2006 17:44

I walk unsteadily until I reach the shore of the ocean and gaze out into the abyss. Beauty. Emptiness. Beautiful emptiness ( Read more... )

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sourblaze October 15 2016, 01:19:29 UTC
Lizzie, I don't know if you'll ever see this, but I hope you do.

I don't even know if you're still alive, ten years after this was posted.

I remember your posts about depression and feeling abandoned. I know that feeling all too well. I have trusted people that I never should have. Today I tell people, "Be stingy with your trust. Respect is free; trust is earned, and if you haven't done anything to earn it, or I don't know you, don't feel entitled to it."

I remember when you posted your suicide note (August 29th, 2005) and not just feeling horrible about what you posted but also identifying with it since I have three attempts under my belt. Plus, I overeat, and am now diabetic.

For a long time I stayed in crap jobs, never rising to anything higher than entry-level because the harmful messages I was given by nearly everyone growing up were so deeply embedded in me that I couldn't identify as anything more than a complete loser. My high school graduation was the worst day of my life; I literally remember speaking to no one that night because by then I was already full of "you're never going to be anything," "you're a piece of shit," "you're worthless," etc. type of messages. And since I was told this by not just peers but by counselors, teachers, family members and more, it all seemed validated.

I am only now finally breaking out of it. I work in hotels now, not the most glamorous of professions. I am also still in school since it has taken this long to break old patterns of depression.

Looking back over my comments to you, I realize how patronizing they were, though I meant well. I honestly must have thought at the time that those same comments, which were repeated to me by other well-meaning people, might have helped you. Today, I know the starting point to "be there" for someone is to listen. it them down and ask THEM what is going on. That's what you needed, babe, and it is because you are human, not because you are weak.

I have no idea of what you're doing Liz, but I hope you've been able to break from it all. I hope you are doing well, and in all things: I hope you have a great significant other in your life, that you're financially doing OK (not easy in this economy), that you have a lot of friends who from time to time will call you just out of the blue and tell you they were wondering what you're up to. "Just thought I'd say hi, let's meet up," then when you meet up they give you a hug and tell you they love and care for you (even if it is platonic). You not only deserve to be loved but to be treated as such.

You don't need patronizing "just keep your head up" comments. You need "I've got your back because I am your ___________ and I care about you." I hope you've found that.

I don't know that you'll ever read this, but if you do, and ever post in sizable amounts again, let me know. I've known more people who've committed suicide than I can ever estimate, and to be frank it scares me to even think about the number of them. I honestly hope you've beaten the trend.

Here's a great big HUG from someone who's wondering how you're doing, even though I know nothing about you except what is in this blog. Know that you have an e-friend out there who's in your corner, because I know what you've felt like. I've been there.

***HUG***

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xxlizziexx October 15 2016, 02:07:32 UTC
Hi. I survived. That was a long message. Glad to hear you are in a better place. Don't worry, you never had sent mean things to me. I am unsure how you perceive that.

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sourblaze October 18 2016, 21:41:47 UTC
I don't know about being mean, just that I was giving advice that seemed patronizing. Today I would say different things.

"Surviving?" I hope you're thriving. I hope you're living it up and have someone in your life that makes you smile when you come home no matter what kind of bad day you're having.

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sourblaze October 18 2016, 21:46:04 UTC
I have known so many people who have committed suicide that you always stuck out in the back of my mind. So that's why I worried, that's all. Now that I rethink it, I feel a bit sheepish. But I have known so many people who have killed themselves than it frankly scares me anymore.

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xxlizziexx October 19 2016, 00:36:04 UTC
Please don't feel sheepish. It was very kind. It was nice to think that I had such a profound effect on someone in the past.

I graduated college. Been working and been promoted a few times. I am starting my MBA in the spring.

I have continued to struggle with severe depression and constant anxiety along with panic attacks. In June 2013, I decided to start talk therapy, which was something I was always against as I believed I didn't have anything to talk about or anything that was stressful. I still continue going to therapy once a week and on a couple occasions when it has gotten so severe, I have gone twice a week

I eventually gave in and take medicine for my insomnia. I was very against it at first but have found that it is something I need.

I purchased a place 18 months ago and do have some of the most amazing friends. Many don't know about my struggles. Some do know a little now as I have slowly began opening up. But nobody knows the extent of it

To be frank, I found your message triggering at first. It was like a reminder of all these thoughts and feelings I wrote about in a private place. I had completely blocked from my mind. But I continued living those patterns and continuing to block

I have made some good progress with therapy and I continue working very hard at it. It has been a struggle, especially opening up to someone when I have a very difficulty trusting other people.

I still struggle. I have had a couple panic attacks in the last few weeks. And maybe displayed what was to be a hypomanic episode a few weeks ago. I am still working through it all. One step at a time. One acceptance of myself at a time and slow realization of harmful and traumatic events and people in my past and current stage that I thought was normal.

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